(Four thumbs up still doesn’t even begin to describe the greatness of Suburban Commando.)
By Jared Jones
Back before movie reviews could be summed up in 13 characters or less, there were two gentleman who stood atop the peak of film criticism. Their names were Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel, and from 1986 to 1999, they hosted Siskel & Ebert & the Movies, a highly popular movie review show wherein the two would debate the week’s best and worst offerings from Hollywood. It was basically Statler and Waldorf with two slightly less cantankerous hosts.
Arguably the most entertaining episodes of Siskel & Ebert came at year’s end, when they would name their best and worst films of the year. While their breakdowns of the best were witty and insightful in their own right, it was their cathartic lampooning of the worst that are remembered to this day. Simply put, no one could rip a movie a new a-hole like Siskel and Ebert.
Unfortunately, both legendary critics have since passed away, Siskel due to complications from a surgery and Ebert from thyroid cancer. But rather than continue to wallow in the absolutely wretched week of news this has been, we shall instead celebrate Siskel and Ebert by taking a look back at some of their most vicious takedowns from the ’90s. Enjoy.
The Guardian (1990)
(Scroll to the 16:56 mark)
Choice Quote: “You know you have a special job when your little children ask you, ‘What did you do today, Daddy?’ and you tell them, ‘Oh, honey, I saw a movie about a killer tree.'”
Drop Dead Fred (1991)
Choice Quote: “98 minutes stolen from my life.”
Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)
Choice Quote: “If this script had been submitted to the half-hour show, The Golden Girls, they would have rejected it for not being substantial enough for a 22 or 24-minute TV show.”
The Beverly Hillbillies (1993)
Choice Quote: (From Ebert’s review) “Here is a film with all of the wit of the road kill that supplies not one but two of the lesser jokes.”
Choice Quote: “I hated this movie as much as any movie we’ve ever reviewed in the 19 years we’ve been doing this show.”
Judge Dredd (1995)
Choice Quote: “I know, Stallone, you probably hate my guts, you think I hate you. I don’t hate you. I like your talent. I want you to use it. This isn’t what you were put on Earth for. You can do this in your sleep, and sometimes, it looks like that’s exactly what you’re doing.”
Little Indian, Big City (1996)
Choice Quote: “If the French laughed at this, it makes me understand why they think Jerry Lewis is the funniest man on Earth.”
Year of the Horse (1997)
Choice Quote: “The documentary segments have all the depth of some kid interviewing his family members in the basement with a home video camera. And as for the musical segments, they remind me of nothing more than a group of shaggy mountain men hunkering in a circle and doing imitations of autistic lumberjacks.”
Spice World (1998)
Choice Quote: “When the movie was over, I still didn’t know the Spice Girls by name, which is OK because I don’t know the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by name either. So I thought, maybe there could be a movie where the Spice Girls and the Ninja Turtles fall in love, run off together, and never come back.”