'The ABC's Of Death' Makes Learning Gross

'P' does not stand for plot. For those who enjoy gore but hate plot, The ABC's of Death is here to neatly organize outlandishly disgusting ways things can kill you. 26 chapters directed by 26 directors run down horrific ends from arrow to zeppole. I'm assuming that the Z chapter features a person choking on a zeppole. Or getting run down by a zamboni. But in my heart of hearts, I know it will likely be zombies.

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In This 'Pound Of Flesh' Clip, JCVD Tracks Down The People Who Stole His Organs

An organ-less Jean-Claude Van Damme taking to the streets is terrifying. Do you like Jean-Claude Van Damme? Nevermind. Just keep reading regardless of how you would have answered this. He's stepping out in a new, slightly less self-aware film called Pound of Flesh, in which the Belgian action star wakes up in the familiar tub full of ice, only to discover his kidney has been jacked. There's a wrinkle to this otherwise run-of-the-mill organ theft story: HIS DYING NIECE NEEDS THAT KIDNEY! They pissed off the wrong aging Belgian action star this time. Maybe he could just go down this route: (THR)


New 'Insidious: Chapter 3' Trailer Is More Insidiousier Than You Even Thought Possible

Now THAT is how you insidious. With Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne enjoying a life free of creepy Victorian ghosts, it's time for audiences to jump in the wayback machine to see some earlier examples of ghosts acting like total dicks in Insidious: Chapter 3. This time, Dermot Mulroney and his teenage daughter encounter visitors from the Further. This prequel sets itself up as the origin tale that explains the evil spirits that terrorized in the previous films. However, this story takes place in the early 2000's and Insidious: Chapter 2 featured flashbacks that clearly illustrated a young Lin Shaye battling ghosts back in the 1980's, so it's a loose interpretation of the word 'prequel'. At any rate, this one looks really creepy and the filmmakers are still coming up with some creative scares. I'll watch Dermot Mulroney yell at ghosts for a couple of hours.


How Do You Improve 'The Canyons' Trailer? The Same Way You Improve Everything. Add Kanye West.

It just needed the drama ratcheted up a little. The Canyons hasn't exactly enjoyed good press since the proejct was announced. There was the Lohan piece in The New York Times, the film festival snubs, and a general sense of dread in the critical world. However, all those hiccups seem to disappear when you put the film against a near-perfect Kanye West song. It fits the nihilistic mood well, and adds a gravity to the film that actually feels organic. The quality of the film certainly remains to be seen, but this trailer gets two thumbs up.


Jimmy Kimmel Choked Up A Little Praising David Letterman

You can't fake having a "L8 Nite" license plate on your first car. While all talk show hosts have a debt of gratitude and respect to David Letterman, none have exhibited the outward fandom that Jimmy Kimmel has for the late night mainstay. And while tonight Kimmel is airing a rerun out of respect for Letterman's last show, last night he sang the man's praises. And it was pretty damn heartwarming. You'll find in this video that Kimmel's words are way more than just diplomacy. Pretty cool sendoff to a worthy recipient.


Ride Along With MTV's Gory 'Death Valley'

Undead groups won't be happy about this police brutality. [post-album postid="215841" item="2"]With all these vampires, werewolves, and zombies invading television, it's only natural that someone would need to police them. And also punch them through the head. That's exactly what the stars of MTV's Death Valley do. The new scripted series takes a page out of the COPS handbook and sends a camera crew to ride along with the law officers of the San Fernando Valley. In this case, the San Fernando Valley has been overrun by a new minority for the past year -- monsters and the undead. This gory preview shows stars Tania Raymonde (Lost), Brian Callen (MADtv), and Caity Lotz (Mad Men) on the beat and it looks pretty intense. Looks pretty violent but still nowhere near as violent as that episode of COPS where the naked, bloody guy punched his way through a fence to escape. We can only assume that he was on his way to go kill Superman. (MTV)


Key & Peele Takittothu' Limit With New East-West Bowl Sketch

Wonm-Ore Tyme. With some kind of big football thing about to happen, Key and Peele have released another East-West Bowl player introduction clip. With the number of silly names and wigs being quickly depleted, the guys outsourced some of the work by casting actual college players with very ridiculous real names. Like Ishmaa'ily Kitchen and A. A. Ron Rodgers. Still, their own contributions are on point. World, meet Triple Parakeet-Shoes, J.R. Junior Juniors Jr., Strunk Flugget, and Swordless Mimetown. It's far time that Key and Peele start printing up trading cards.


This Is Going To End In Death

Michael Barnett's Sundance documentary 'Superheroes' is an exploration into the culture of real-life vigilantes and real-life people who want to make a difference by dressing up as Slipknot. Well, these superheroes broke the number one rule of being a superhero by revealing their secret lair. You're never supposed to do that, superheroes. Anyway, this clip is from Michael Barnett's Sundance documentary Superheroes. It's in an exploration into the culture of real-life vigilantes and real-life people who want to make a difference by dressing up as Slipknot. I can understand wanting to move out of Detroit, but if your real goal is to fight crime it seems like that's the place to be. Sure, your bike might get stolen in Brooklyn, but they'll steal the eyeballs right out of your head in Detroit. And that's just the police I'm talking about. "Umm, I just wanted to fight crime so I came to Brooklyn because I, umm, figured, like, there would be some there." Quick question, did this guy name himself 'Lucid' ironically? Because we already have enough ironic people in Brooklyn thanks much. (MTV)


ABC Went Immediately From 'Charlie Brown' To A 'Scandal' Sex Scene, And It Was Hilarious

The Parents Television Council decided this was going to be a whole...thing. Charlie Brown, despite its young characters and upbeat music, deftly deals with decidedly adult problems and emotions experienced by the titular character. So, after airing It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, ABC decided to counterbalance the grown-up malaise of Charlie Brown with one of the best perks of being a grown-up: F*cking. A scant 26 seconds (the PTC counted) after Charlie Brown ended, we were treated to Scandal's Kerry Washington getting plowed. It's called Scandal, guys. They're gonna ruffle some feathers. Always thinking of the children, the Parents Television Council cried foul against ABC, with President Tim Winter claiming, "Unless parents had the remote control in their hand, thumb on the button and aimed directly at the TV screen, they didn’t have a chance." THEY DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE. THEY WERE SET UP TO FAIL. MY CHILD NOW KNOWS THAT SEX EXISTS. However, because they're realistic, pragmatic, and rational, the PTC isn't demanding that ABC invent a time machine and go back to buffer scandal with some Tootsie Pop ads. Rather, they're just asking for an apology. As someone who hates Charlie Brown's ennui-ridden existence, who do I write to to complain about ABC putting that morose motherf*cker so close to my steamy sex? Is that the PTC as well?