Charlie Sheen Mask Is Terrifying
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Who better to pen the definitive Charlie Sheen rap ballad than a white guy in a hipster scarf?
Life imitating art. Wait. I inverted that. Art imitating life. That's way less impressive, though. In case you forgot what Charlie Sheen is like in real life, Anger Management is giving you a little something something to remind you. But don't take it too literally, because I don't think he ACTUALLY has a Masters degree, but only because it's not possible to major in "Pussy and Coke," though maybe he could some sort of out-of-class tutorial. Also let this clip remind you that Selma Blair is aging like a Chateau Latour, and will reach epic heights of beauty somewhere around her 40th birthday.
It's like a trip to the dentist, but cheaper! The Disney Channel made a "Sex and the City" film! Leighton Meester is Carrie because she's the leader, Katie Cassidy is Charlotte because she's bland, Selena Gomez is Samantha because she's slutty, Andie MacDowell is Samantha because she's insanely old, and Brett Cullen is Miranda because they both like to have sex with women. Women be travellin' in this trailer for Monte Carlo, in which a gaggle of girls go on a European vacation gone awry until one of them (Gomez, the ethnic-looking one) gets mistaken for royalty, at which point their trip becomes FAB-U-LOUS! There's also a really big lobster featured here, which was the high point of the trailer for me.
The Parents Television Council decided this was going to be a whole...thing. Charlie Brown, despite its young characters and upbeat music, deftly deals with decidedly adult problems and emotions experienced by the titular character. So, after airing It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, ABC decided to counterbalance the grown-up malaise of Charlie Brown with one of the best perks of being a grown-up: F*cking. A scant 26 seconds (the PTC counted) after Charlie Brown ended, we were treated to Scandal's Kerry Washington getting plowed. It's called Scandal, guys. They're gonna ruffle some feathers. Always thinking of the children, the Parents Television Council cried foul against ABC, with President Tim Winter claiming, "Unless parents had the remote control in their hand, thumb on the button and aimed directly at the TV screen, they didn’t have a chance." THEY DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE. THEY WERE SET UP TO FAIL. MY CHILD NOW KNOWS THAT SEX EXISTS. However, because they're realistic, pragmatic, and rational, the PTC isn't demanding that ABC invent a time machine and go back to buffer scandal with some Tootsie Pop ads. Rather, they're just asking for an apology. As someone who hates Charlie Brown's ennui-ridden existence, who do I write to to complain about ABC putting that morose motherf*cker so close to my steamy sex? Is that the PTC as well?
Just when I thought I was out... Some of us are sick of Charlie Sheen by now, and some of us are addicted to him more than he is. I still feel it's my obligation to post the official Sheen auto-tune, as it's done by the Gregor Brothers, the guys behind Auto-Tune The News and the Bed Intruder Song. If nothing else, it's catchy, which could be a problem. I'm going around the office chortling my affinity for banging 7 gram rocks. Now for the obligatory slogan... WINNING! (WarmingGlow)
A sad reminder that Snoopy will be the first of the Peanuts gang to die. My two favorite things from this video: Linus standing in for Doug Stanhope, and Pig Pen standing in for Rick Shapiro. (Laughing Squid)
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Big robots are the natural predators of big aliens. Here's Charlie, and some giant robots, and some giant aliens, courtesy of Guillermo del Toro in a film that promises to be everything that Godzilla and, more recently, Battle: Los Angeles couldn't. It looks to be a huge scale for any director, so let's hoep that del Toro's smaller sensibilities allow him to toe the line here and create something that isn't just a Roland Emmerich redux. Hiring Charlie as "disheveled scientist" may not exactly breed confidence there, but it's Charlie, and we'll take him when we can get him.