Bon Appétit, in their fervent pursuit of food and truths about food, assigned a writer to discuss everything that the portly character Chunk ate or spoke of eating in his time onscreen during The Goonies.
Why? I don’t know. Bon Appetit probably has an office full of food journalists, and sitting around waiting for food to make headlines could be pretty frustrating, so maybe they have to put together their own stories. The story can be found right here, and below I’ve listed a few interesting aspects about the piece/premise of the article:
- The writer had never seen The Goonies before this assignment, which is surprising, until you see that her name is Rochelle, at which time you come to the realization that you don’t expect people named Rochelle to have the same life experiences us regular folk have.
- The piece contains prose like this in discussing the Truffle Shuffle: “There are neither ganache-covered chocolates nor foraged fungi; the only shuffling is of Chunk’s ample belly.” The only shuffling is of Chunk’s ample belly. And that thought is preceded by a semicolon. This writer clearly doesn’t want to be a web writer for much longer. I bet Rochelle does her first drafts with ink and quill.
- I don’t know what I was expecting, but after clicking the tag “truffle shuffle,” I was a little disappointed that there weren’t any other Bon Appetit articles with that tag. I would have been happy with just some Truffle Shuffle steak fries or Truffle Shuffle vinaigrette.
- If these quotes and my memory are to be trusted, Chunk, in his ramblings about ice cream, brings up grape. Grape ice cream. And then apple. Where the hell is this kid getting cravings for grape and apple ice cream?
- Chunk’s mom greets him after his rescue with Domino’s pizza, “his favorite.” Even if they managed to go on a pirate adventure and singlehandedly save the community from Troy’s dipshit dad, they’re still kids. And kids don’t know the first thing about good food.
- The writer, the lovely Rochelle, ate during her screening of the film: “Two glasses of rosé, half a kabocha squash, an entire head of kale (I am not ashamed), and a handful of pecans.” First of all, this means that not only could Rochelle and I never get married, but probably never even be friends. Not because of her taste in food (which seems like the diet of a wealthy rabbit), but because she’s the type of person that makes eating a head of kale seem like a transgression that requires explaining. “Ugh. I had two rice cakes today. I’m such a cow.” I bet in job interviews, she lists her biggest weakness as being a “bit of a perfectionist.” Also, if you’re conveying what you’ve eaten today, and you list a “handful” of anything, I won’t like you ever again.
This list does beg the question of how you you follow up such a great character with his (supposed) re-appearance in a (supposed) sequel. The real Chunk is skinny these days (see?) So maybe they have to give him some other fun indulgence, like sex addiction, bulimia, or cutting.
I think America, in an effort to shed its reputation for unbridled decadence, would clamor to see a former child actor cut himself onscreen just so he can feel like he’s in control of SOMETHING.
Nah. Give him a big blueberry milkshake to spill on his skinny little head. You’re out of blueberry ice cream? Ok. Just give him some grape.