Tuesday, June 26 by

Because We Hate You, Here’s Tyler Perry In The ‘I, Alex Cross’ Trailer

Well, this just looks like a really average episode of CSI, with lines like “He’s ex-military, judging by his tactics.” Further, every time I see the hulking Tyler Perry onscreen during this trailer, I momentarily fall into thinking that I’m watching a Chunky Soup commercial and not the preview for I, Alex Cross.

And every time I realize that I am not watching a soup commercial, a part of me dies.

In case Tyler Perry as a giant detective isn’t enough for you (YOU SICK BASTARD!), this clip also features Matthew Fox as a serial killer who also enjoys mixed martial arts.

I’m writing this piece as I watch the video piecemeal, because I can’t seem to handle the thing in one big chunk, and I’ve got a new favorite line. Disregard “He’s ex-military, judging by his tactics,” and introduce yourself to my new favorite, “I will meet his soul at the gates of hell before I let him take another person that I love from me,” immediately followed by the graphic “From Rob Cohen, Director of The Fast and the Furious.”

 

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