Because We Hate You, Here's Tyler Perry In The 'I, Alex Cross' Trailer

Fun fact: By the time Tyler Perry's barber finishes cutting his hair, he has to start all over again, because two weeks have passed and the hair has grown out again. Well, this just looks like a really average episode of CSI, with lines like "He's ex-military, judging by his tactics." Further, every time I see the hulking Tyler Perry onscreen during this trailer, I momentarily fall into thinking that I'm watching a Chunky Soup commercial and not the preview for I, Alex Cross. And every time I realize that I am not watching a soup commercial, a part of me dies. In case Tyler Perry as a giant detective isn't enough for you (YOU SICK BASTARD!), this clip also features Matthew Fox as a serial killer who also enjoys mixed martial arts. I'm writing this piece as I watch the video piecemeal, because I can't seem to handle the thing in one big chunk, and I've got a new favorite line. Disregard "He's ex-military, judging by his tactics," and introduce yourself to my new favorite, "I will meet his soul at the gates of hell before I let him take another person that I love from me," immediately followed by the graphic "From Rob Cohen, Director of The Fast and the Furious."