Thursday, July 17 by

7 Awesome Crimes to Commit During a Purge (Other Than Murder)

By Jason Iannone

Hollywood almost never dreams up an original idea, but they did just that with 2013’s The Purge, about a dystopian society where once a year, for 12 hours, people vent their anger by committing any crime they want without suffering any consequences. In true Hollywood fashion though, they screwed everything up by insisting that the #1 reaction to a day of immunity would be “yippee, time to kill everybody!”

Seriously, that’s all that happens. In both The Purge and its new sequel The Purge: Anarchy, which hits theaters tomorrow, thousands of perfectly good crimes (unlimited free food from the local market anyone?) are ignored in favor of hurting and killing all who breathe. It’s not offensive that they think we’re that vindictive of a species, but it’s sad they think we’re that boring and unimaginative.

What about all the non-violent, yet intensely satisfying crimes one can commit during a Purge? You could finally right some societal wrongs in ways would generally be illegal as hell. Instead of killing random photogenic white people or cowering in your basement and weeping like a corrupt Japanese politician until the Purge is over, you could …

7. Kidnap Jenny McCarthy‘s Kids and Vaccinate Them

It’s long been proven over that “vaccinations = autism” is pure pseudoscience. This hasn’t stopped McCarthy from fighting the supposed real enemy, because staying the course is more fun than admitting you were wrong. Plus, if she actually let her kids get shots, they might cry really loudly because the boo-boo made an ouchie, and that would be obnoxious.

And we all know how much Jenny McCarthy hates loud, annoying noises.

But if you can get a hold of some shots (not hard, since burglary is legal during a Purge), travel to Hollywood and play Doctor with her kids. They’ll thank you later, provided you don’t accidentally inject cement into their veins. Luckily, if that happens, you can’t be sued. Malpractice is also totally legal during a Purge.

6. Vandalize George W. Bush’s Art Gallery

In case you missed it, Bush Part Deux embraced his inner Grandma Moses post-retirement, painting portraits and pictures that might garner him a C- in grade school Art class, if the teacher was feeling generous.

Maybe if Putin took care of the horrible growth on his neck, he’d smile more.

These crimes against color are where you Bush-haters get him. Break into his personal gallery and give his disasterpieces your own personal twist. The more disgusting and offensive, the better — it might not make him go on international TV and apologize for being terrible at his former job, but it’ll get his attention much quicker than endless Facebook bitching (which should be illegal at all times, even during a Purge).

5. Stage and Film a Gigantic Orgy In and Around Chase Bank

The people in charge at Chase Bank hate porn stars. Not enough to stop jacking it to them, just enough to deny them service. They’ve been shutting down porn stars’ bank accounts lately because their career is “questionable”. In addition, they’ve turned down mortgage loan requests from porn stars in the past, because roofs are for people who wear pants at work.

In which case, we’re screwed.

Obviously, sex isn’t a crime. But during a Purge, sex REALLY isn’t a crime, so nothing would stop you and a bunch of horny people you find on Craigslist the day before from stripping down and doing it at your local Chase branch. And be sure to film it — that way everyone will forever associate Chase with hot sexy fun, just like they always intended.

Hell, if their new image takes off, maybe they can change their name to capitalize. Chubby Chaser Bank, perhaps? Finally, the term “corporate fatcat” would mean something positive.

4. Transform Pat Robertson’s House into a Giant Muslim Shrine

A few months ago, Robertson made headlines by commanding a good Christian woman to destroy a Buddha statue that her friend placed near a cross. Because while Christ might have preached love and tolerance for different beliefs, Pat Robertson knows how God REALLY feels.

It’s understandable if your Purge Plan A is to kill Pat Robertson dead. But there’s a better solution, one that will keep him away from his beloved Jesus and stuck on Hell-Earth just a little bit longer: turn his humongous mansion into an ode to heathenism. Turn it into a Muslim Kaaba, like so:

Then, surround it with dozens of Buddha statues of all shapes and sizes. Yes, shapes — if you can find a muscular, square-jawed, hunky Buddha that makes Pat Robertson question everything about his manhood and how he’s been using his penis these past 80 some-odd years, go for it.

We will not apologize for flooding your brain with thoughts about this man’s penis.

3. Hack into Donald Sterling’s Bank Account and Steal His Money

Theoretically, you could hack into any bank account during a Purge. But what’s the point in robbing the stash of someone who needs it? You need to find somebody with A) way more money than anybody needs, and who B) doesn’t deserve a penny of it. Cartoonishly racist LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling is that man.

Provided he hasn’t eaten all the pennies already, amirite?

As of this writing, Sterling is still fighting the NBA banning him and forcing a sale of his team, because he’s so rich as it is, he can afford to be pornographically stubborn. But if you help yourself to his bank account, he’d probably be more willing to cut a deal. But don’t just keep it — Sterling’s a crook, and might respect you if you keep the money. But if you instead donate it all to every black charity you can think of, then his gears will be properly ground, and isn’t that just the best feeling?

Wait, here’s an even better feeling: If he sells the team by Purge 2015, he’ll have even MORE money so you can steal from him AGAIN and donate to MORE black charities. Who would have pegged old-timey racism as the gift that keeps on giving?

2. Pee on Justin Bieber

That way he’ll know how that poor mop bucket felt.

1. Endlessly Stalk and Film TMZ and Other Paparazzi

In a Purge, there’s no line between “annoyingly persistent” and “blatant stalking”. You can follow literally anybody at anytime, break into whatever building they’re hiding in, hang around their bathroom, go through their stuff, sniff their underwear, stare at them while they’re sleeping, and not get into a quark of trouble.

But while a lot of lesser minds would take that opportunity to stalk pretty people and see them naked, you could do far better. All those TMZ-style paparazzi? Turn the tables on them. It doesn’t matter if it’s their boss or just some intern who seriously thinks we care about Lindsay Lohan’s trash cans. Both the literal and figurative versions.

Not even Oscar the Grouch would motorboat those.

When you find one of these idiots, just follow them everywhere with your camera. No matter what they do or where they go, stay on their trail, making sure to ask them every annoying, personal question you can think of. Feel free to get right in their nose while doing this, just so they know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of their stupid job.

Or you could just beat hobos to death all night. That works too.

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