BEST REALITY SHOWS FOR SUMMER '09

POSTED BY Len Snodgrass | WEDNESDAY MAY 27 AT 2:22 PDT

TV Show Title:

General - TV

By Len Snodgrass

Len Snodgrass here. When I recently informed ScreenJunkies that my love of television rivals my love of MMORPGs they requested I generate a commentary on this summer’s upcoming reality program offerings. I weighed the toll this assignment would take on my actual viewing of television, and ultimately decided the minimal rate I’d be receiving for my contribution would suffice to fund my Xbox Live subscription. I dove right in to my research and emerged with ten unscripted shows that should keep your interest through the summer season. Some of them are on simultaneously, so be sure to get your DVRs properly configured.

What it’s about:
Continue to follow the Gosselin family, comprised of parents Jon & Kate, plus eight-year-old twins and a set of sextuplets, as the family celebrates the sextuplets' fifth birthday, tackle training the new puppies, and much more.

When it’s on:
Mondays 9:00PM – 10:00PM EST on TLC

I will continue to watch this show out of pure morbid curiosity. It is often perplexing to me how a couple handles the stable rearing of one child, let alone eight. It is not for certain that Jon cheated on Kate, like the tabloids so adamantly claim, but it isn’t difficult to understand why he would. I haven’t yet had the pleasure of engaging in sexual intercourse with a woman, but I imagine the experience is much more enjoyable when the female hasn’t pushed out eight babies.

What it’s about:
Each week explores two individual cases where the subjects face debilitating extreme anxiety disorders, their struggle and the process of rehabilitation.

When it’s on:
Mondays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM EST on A&E

Personally, I find it comforting to watch people struggle with a few of the same disorders and phobias that I battle with on a daily basis. Due to my social anxiety disorder, I live in constant fear that my mother is going to come down the basement steps and force me to go outside into the sunlight. I also have a phobia of all things that may hinder my efforts of completing Fallout 3. These include snacks, software bugs, and walking Chi Chi, our Chihuahua/Poodle mix, until she makes poopies.

What it’s about:
Pro Football Hall of Famer Michael Irvin and Spike TV are on a quest to give a football hopeful a shot at making the Dallas Cowboys roster. The show will chronicle the rigorous training, heated competition, and compelling moments among 12 talented unsigned football players.

When it’s on:
Mondays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM EST on Spike TV

I know less about football than I do about appropriate advances towards the female persuasion. I’m hoping this program will enlighten me, teach me the ways of the game, and help me blend in at the local bar and grill so that I may join in on the exclamations when my home team scores a touchdown (correct term?). According to my calculations, this knowledge should also advance me closer to the possibility of getting laid (correct term?).

What it’s about:
Focuses on master baker Buddy Valastro, and his big Italian family, as he struggles to make his bakery in Hoboken, NJ a household name.

When it’s on:
Mondays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM EST on TLC

It’s like The Sopranos, except flour and icing replace complex moral and family dilemmas. Buddy employees his four older sisters and three brothers-in-law in a small bakery in New Jersey. With a work environment like that, if everyone isn’t dead by the end of the season I’ll be surprised. I attempted to work for my brother once at his tire shop and for payment he punched me several times in the back, causing me to urinate blood. If I was baking elaborate cakes it might have been more worth it.

What it’s about:
Seven families from divergent backgrounds are selected to take the journey of a lifetime. Over eight episodes, the families will travel through cities large and small all while competing in a medley of humorous challenges that will ultimately lead one family to victory.

When it’s on:
Tuesdays from 8:00PM – 9:00PM on NBC. Starts July 7th

I look forward to living vicariously through the families on this show as they go off and experience the great U.S. of A. together. Iconic American backdrops such as The Grand Canyon are breathtaking sights to behold (on television), and sharing those moments with a family that you only wish was as supportive and loving as yours makes it all that much more special. Not to mention the prizes!

What it’s about:
Follows a single average guy with a big waist and an even bigger heart as he romances several confident and secure plus-size women. Each week, the husky hunk will wine and dine a group of curvy women to determine if they have more love to give or if they are truly more than he can handle.

When it’s on:
Tuesdays from 9:00pm – 10:00PM EST on FOX. Starts July 28th

Talk about reality television, now here’s a show a can get behind. I’ve grown tired of the world’s fascination with exceedingly attractive, healthy, well-toned citizens. It’s time to exploit all the fatties out there. People carrying a few extra pounds feel things just like everyone else. Especially love. We all need love, you skinny bastards! In fact, the show is still looking for it’s hefty bachelor star. Maybe I’ll consider auditioning. Oh wait, my agoraphobia is telling me that’s a negative.

What it’s about:
Chronicles the lives of a group of privileged teenagers who are key players in Manhattan's elite high school scene. Students who travel in packs - whether it's on sophisticated vacations or to a townhouse for an exclusive midnight party, their lives intertwine as they network, shop, party, study, date and write college applications.

When it’s on:
Tuesdays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM on Bravo. Starts June 23rd

Another show concept that makes me so frustrated and irate I will want to vigorously shake my fist at the TV screen while being unable to peel my eyes away from the teenage angst drama-filled spectacular. Damn you, wish fulfillment. Why is it network execs know precisely how to satisfy that “I-wanna-be-popular-and-rich-too!” craving that tickles the inside of my brain? Millions in market research combined with the decline of human civilization, perhaps.

What it’s about:
You guessed it, animal nightmares. In the first episode, a grandmother jumps on the back of a crocodile to save her family, and teenagers are stalked by a shark.

When it’s on:
Wednesdays from 9:00PM – 10:00PM on Animal Planet

Nothing is more satisfying than watching evolution in action. Survival of the fittest all the way. Like my No Fear t-shirt states: If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch. A crocodile is hardwired to attack food, and guess what human peons, we’re food to them! Hello, they’re f*cking dinosaurs! So don’t be surprised when you take your little rug rats to taunt them in socialized captivity, otherwise known as the zoo, and a croc bites off one of their arms. Score one more for the dinosaurs.

What it’s about:
Pits 24 world-renowned chefs against each other and sees how well they fare in the tried and true format of "Top Chef." In each episode, money is at stake for the chefs, with the winners of eliminations awarded cash donations for their charities.

When it’s on:
Wednesdays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM on Bravo. Starts June 10th.

When I watch the regular Top Chef I’m astounded as to what the contestants do with mere food, so I can only imagine the delectable treats the world-renowned chefs will whip up. The only issue I have with the show is it makes my mouth salivate uncontrollably, the spit often dripping into the crevices of my ergonomic gaming keyboard and shorting it out. Note to self: descriptions such as these do you no favors in acquiring friends or lovers.

What it’s about:
Takes tattoo television on a road trip through the cross-country travels of master tattoo artist Thomas Pendelton. Pendelton and his business partner and wife Monica have transformed a 1970s tour bus into a tattoo parlor on wheels, featuring a swanky interior and top-of-the-line tattooing equipment.

When it’s on:
Wednesdays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM on A&E

I wish an artist such as Thomas had traveled to me when I received my first, and last, tattoo. Instead, a few of my LAN party buddies got me heavily intoxicated on Mike’s Hard Lemonade one night and drug me unconscious to a nearby tattoo parlor. Now I have a slapdash version of my Orc avatar from WoW, or World of Warcraft for all you non-questers out there, burned into my lower back. Maybe on his trip Thomas can drop by my house and add some much needed flare to the crude rendering. At the moment, there’s absolutely no intensity to Mogmar’s scowl.

CHECK BACK NEXT WEEK FOR MY TAKE ON THE TOP 10 SCRIPTED SHOWS OF THE SUMMER SEASON.

-- LEN SNODGRASS