They finally did it. I knew it was only a matter of time, but even so, I wasn’t prepared. Those sons of bitches at “American Idol” finally broke down and put a crazy homeless dude on national television for everyone to laugh at. More on that later.
You’d think the Los Angeles round of the “American Idol” audition tour would be fruitful. After all, L.A. bills itself as the entertainment capital of the world. But in reality, Los Angeles has more delusion per square mile than anywhere else on earth. For every talented person that comes to Hollywood, there are a hundred no-talent nut jobs trying to break into “the business.” To make matters worse, many of the singers with actual talent are already involved with projects that preclude them from auditioning for “Idol.” So at the end of the day, you’re not left with much.
If you’re looking for talent, you picked the wrong night to watch. Tim Halperin made it through, despite asking a perturbed Jennifer Lopez how old she was. Then there was Heidi Khzam, who seduced the male judges with a belly dance in order to get a ticket, much to Jennifer Lopez’s disgust. Yeah, like J-Lo never had to use the casting couch to get ahead.
Karen Rodriguez made it through after she auditioned via Myspace. Why in the hell are they using Myspace, you ask? Well, I’d imagine it has something to do with the fact that Fox and Myspace are both owned by the same company. Either that, or someone at “Idol” really loves bad page layouts and pedophiles.
Last but not least were Mark and Aaron Gutierrez, two brothers who impressed the judges with their singing ability and brightly-colored shirts.
I’m not sure if this episode’s contestants were the worst singers, but they have to be in the running for the saddest. Where do I even begin?
Let’s start with Isaac Rodriguez and Daniel Gomez, just a couple of dudes who totally support each other. Isaac was worried because he dropped out of college to be a singer, and hasn’t told his mom yet. I have a feeling that’s not the only thing he hasn’t told his mom. But whatever. We’re not here to gossip about sexual orientation, we’re here to take perverse satisfaction in watching people humiliate themselves. To be honest, they weren’t the worst singers, and they seemed like nice enough guys. With all the freaks who try out for this show, I don’t know why the judges singled them out for nasty comments.
Then there was Tynisha Roches, a new Jersey native who did her state proud, for a change. Sure, she acted like a complete whack job (bringing in her own mic, butchering Sinatra, chasing Randy around the room, refusing to leave, etc), but at least she’s not a dirty tramp like the girls on “Jersey Shore.” Well, maybe she is, but at least she didn’t have time to act like it. She was too busy saying “ow” and bragging about all the “artist-es” she’s worked with.
Next was Matt “Big Stats” Frankel, CEO of Matthew Scott Frankel Productions. He once worked on a compilation album with Chaka Khan. I hope that makes up for the fact that he was shown absolutely no love as a child.
Victoria Garret was confident that God brought “Idol” to Los Angeles so that she could become a star. Unfortunately, God forgot to give her any musical talent. As she was led away, Garret didn’t act in a very Christian manner, sarcastically saying “We all can’t sing like J-Lo.” Well done!
Last, but not least (actually, lets stick with least) was Cooper Robinson, a rambling, insane old man who would seem more at home pissing his pants on a street corner than singing on a television show. The fact that they let this guy on the air is a travesty. What’s next; letting people with Downs try out?
Overall, the judges were a little meaner, but perhaps that’s because they had no choice. Randy Jackson wore some gold shoes. Stephen Tyler “stuck it to the man” by smoking on camera. And J-Lo, well, she just sat there. All and all, it was another hour of compelling television that I was forced to watch.