Hi there, fellow Junkies. After weeks of debate, late-night coffee runs, bruised egos and one pivotal coin flip, we’ve decided to bring back a daily dose of nightly TV recommendations. We haven’t settled on a formula yet, so please bear with us as the way we deliver the goods will undoubtedly change more than Harry Knowles changes shirts (read: twice a week). And PLEASE, PLEASE give us constructive criticism in the comments section so that we can make this as entertaining and informative as possible. It’s our way of giving back to the community while indirectly making people fatter so "Dance Your Ass Off" is never hurting for new contestants.
Here’s What to Watch:
NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!
THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979)
Why to Watch It: This is the original Amityville Horror with James " I Birthed A Bankable Star in Josh" Brolin and Margot "O.G. Lois Lane" Kidder. Just like the embedded trailer says, "It’s the kind of house they don’t build any more…" The remake movie was made out of aluminum siding and poop.
THE 2009 B.E.T. AWARDS (Rerun)
When: 8PM – The Break a’ Dawn
Why to Watch: Because as we all know, every year someone gets shot at the BET Awards, but since it’s a rerun, we can pretend we’re watching it live and that we’re trying to warn the victim ahead of time. Or maybe knowing what we know now, we should watch for awkwardness between Chris Brown and Jay-Z, who got Brown 86’ed from the show by threatening to back out of performing himself. H to the Izzo! Slap to the Fizzace!
WEIRD, TRUE & FREAKY: "ODD COUPLES"
Network: Animal Planet
Above: They’re closer than Kashi Good Friends
Why to Watch: In this episode called "Odd Couples," seven unusual animal couples include an orangutan that falls for a tiger; a tortoise that mothers a baby hippo; a lioness that adopts an antelope; and a Doberman that befriends a rabbit. This sh*t is weirder but no less true than Natalie Portman dating Sean Penn. The latter is more heartbreaking for our intern, Spencer, who’s been saving himself until Portman finally realizes "doughy 20-year-olds working at internet media companies are what’s hot."
Why to Watch It: In Episode 92 simply titled, "Nikki," the titular subject is slowly killing herself with methadone. Like Spencer’s doing to cope with the fact that Sean Penn’s old man balls are likely dangling over Natalie Portman’s nose right now. [Cues up track from Bruce Springsteen’s haunting Nebraska album.]
DANCE YOUR ASS OFF
Why to Watch It: It doesn’t matter that this show’s on Oxygen, which studies have shown actually turns your penis into a concave shape (read: vagina). This show has fat people dancing (pictured).
Network: Comedy Central
Why to Watch It: Because BRÜNO opens Friday and no one will be able to stop quoting it for the next year, so you might as well fill your brain with another highly quotable movie until then. (Watching Tommy Boy on methadone is stage 2 in Spencer’s coping process.)
MONDAY NIGHT RAW
Why to Watch: Because Triple H is taking on John Cena in the main event, and the Million Dollar Man is making an appearance. How John Cena has two movies under his belt and the Million Dollar Man has zero, the world will never know. He has A MILLION DOLLARS! Go finance a small indie pic and make yourself the star! You couldn’t be any worse than Tommy Wiseau.
Why to Watch: This is the third season of Showtime’s kickass marijuana-based program, and we can’t recommend it enough. Nothing much to say about this other than 1) tonight’s episode is about Nancy discovering Celia, who’s been living in the garage and 2) they do live tweets for the show, which, if you don’t live on the West Coast, is kinda cool.
Why to Watch: Because this caps off the drug hour on Showtime, and you don’t want to come into this great new series too late. Sure, maybe Edie Falco isn’t your idea of a hot nurse, but she’s naughty enough to make up for it, what with her addiction to painkillers. It’s at once funny, but also bloodcurdling considering the nurse overseeing my kidney stone operation looked like she was going to doze off. Maybe the sight of a laser shoved up my flaccid penis wasn’t exciting enough for her. So sorry. Check out a clip – of Nurse Jackie, not my surgery – here.
WHO’S ON LATE:
Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart (NEW): Business columnist Justin Fox, author of "The Myth of the Rational Market: A History of Risk, Reward, and Delusion on Wall Street."
Conan (NEW): Howie Mandel, Alanis Morissette, Death Cab for Cutie
Letterman (NEW): Hayden Panettiere, Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band
Colbert (NEW): Historian Kevin Mattson, author of "’What the Heck Are You Up To, Mr. President?': Jimmy Carter, America’s ‘Malaise,’ and the Speech That Should Have Changed the Country."
Kimmel (Repeat): Artie Lange, chef Adam Perry Lang, No Doubt
Fallon (Repeat): Andy Samberg, Jorge Garcia, The Lonely Island
Ferguson (NEW): Eric Idle, Lisa Masterson
– PATRICK SCHUMACKER and MATT SEARS