Hey there, modern gentlemen of the 1960s! Have you heard what’s all the rage in prime time entertainment fifty years from now? "Mad Men," that’s what! Why, on Sunday, 8/17/2009 (last sunday for us future folk), the Season 3 premiere enjoyed 2.8 million viewers. And that’s basic cable, friend! What’s basic cable you ask? Why, it’s something that the entertainment industry will invent years from your time to dump off all the hooey, the likes with which respectable sponsors like Mutual of Omaha would never dare associate!
Nonetheless, "Mad Men" viewership is nothing to scoff at (like that Nixon fellow’s campaign). And we here at Screen Junkies (tawdry moniker, but perfectly acceptable in 2009) have compiled for you an amalgamation of top-notch advertising of the "Mad Men" age!
So sit back, grab your favorite snifter and a smoke (or twenty), and have that hot toddy wife of yours put your slippers on for you. After all, that’s what she’s there for. And while you’re at it, might we suggest telling the missus to go make you a savory Spam™ sandwich while she’s thinking about it. These ads will entertain you for hours. Even if you’re "colored." Yes, you’re allowed to look at the internet, too. It’s a long story. This really good speaker guy gets shot, and this lady on a bus makes a big deal about the seating chart… and then waaaay later this sort of black guy becomes Presid- you know what? We said too much already. You’ll just have to see for yourself.
Looking to relax with a shaky, quaky treat? Well then make like this little Buddhahead and grab yourself a bowl of jiggly, giggly J-E-L-L-O!! Yes, Jell-O™; the shivering, quivering dessert that will be sure to please. Just grab yourself a spoon and you’re good! J-E-L-LO, made with gelatin; the groovy, hoovy snack. That’s right! It’s made with horse hooves!! Now available in GRAPE!
Oh, Life! Everyone has to worry about gambling with their livelihood on the stock market, actually PAYING for an Ivy League education, the poor farm (hint: it’s humiliating) and exacting revenge. Well, everyone else except that blonde, blue-eyed caucasian boy. He lives on Millionaire Acres. But guess what? That’s life.
All of the neighborhood boys want to come play at my house. Do you know why? Because I have the Dick Tracy Cop Mobile™. It’s the only mechanical toy car of its kind, thanks to a two-foot stick that i use to hit one of two other sticks mounted to the car, in order to make it move forward or backward. It’s like magic, because I don’t have to use my hand to flick the sticks on the car. That’s 1950s nonsense. My friends like to hit me with the stick sometimes. And even though it hurts like the dickens, it’s pain I’m willing to endure because if the fellas didn’t come over, all I would have are topless photos of my aunt to masturbate to.
Gilbert Toys. Are they born from the company’s vast joy towards and empathy for America’s adolescents? Or do they come from the tears of a pantomime clown at Auschwitz who traded certain death for a job coaxing children into ovens? We’re not telling. Because it’s a secret. And secrets are meant to be kept… or burned. Just like that clown eventually did to himself out of regret.
Are those pesky children of yours constantly nagging you for a new puppy? Have your past pets passed on from malnourishment? Well look no further than Gaylord, the Walking Bassett Hound! Entertain your emotionless children for hours with this magnificently hypnotizing mechanical marvel, and give yourself much needed alone time. Yes, you’ll be able to kick back and bake cookies, or lose yourself in a rag of sweet-smelling ether in peace and quiet, thanks to Gaylord’s whisper-quiet gingerly gait! (Take a gander at this demonstration reel, starting at 3:23 if you need to see it for yourself.) Gaylord is the perfect addition to any family who values the power of walking a straight and narrow line and then shutting off entirely when everyone else is done with you. From The Ideal Toy Corporation!
Hey kids! Hope you enjoyed tonight’s episode of "The Flintstones." That Dino sure gets into some jams, eh?! PARENTS, PLEASE LEAVE THE ROOM. Psst kids, you wanna look cool don’t you? Why not steal one of your dad’s flavorful Winston cigarettes? You’ll be the envy of the block when you puff on that golden, filtered flavor. It’s specially-processed for good flavor and tastes good like a cigarette should. And don’t worry about any harsh side-effects. Remember doctors recommend smoking.
Fellas, the old lady bugging you every time you head out of town for a big business trip? Are you tired of the leaving the missus behind while you smoke cigars and eat steaks with the boys? Well, thanks to United now you can ‘take them along’! That’s right. You can go shopping with the little lady instead of playing golf. What’s that? No qualms about leaving the missus? Then bring the skirt you’ve been seeing on the side. We won’t tell.* United. We don’t cock-block.
*Yes we will.
We’ve all been there. Another skuzzy cup of coffee from your loving spouse who worships the ground you walk on. What to do? Well, first you berate the mindless dullard of course. Then she’ll consult with her over-sexed friend who will tell her to try Instant Folger’s. Once she serves it to you, reward her with a night of bedroom bliss. You know what we mean. With the lights on. Instant Folgers. Tastes good as fresh-perked.
Prosper With Cool Spock Bobblehead
Jessica Canizales Photos
8 New ‘Basterds’ Clips