‘True Blood’ Recap: Trouble S3E5

Monday, July 19 by

Last week on "True Blood," Tara got abducted by Franklin and he brought her to the King of Mississippi. Sookie and Alcide went to a werewolf party where they found out the King is giving the asshole werewolves his blood. Bill joined the King, broke up with Sookie, and then ate a stripper with the King and his ex, Lorena. The Magister found Eric’s V operation and Eric blamed it on Bill. Sam gave his family a place to live and his brother a job. Jason blackmailed Andy into making him a cop. That’s basically the important stuff.

This week I’m changing things up a bit so I don’t have to constantly shift back-and-forth between plot lines. I’ll do them in solid chunks, so realize that the recap that follows isn’t necessarily the chronology of the episode.

RECAP AFTER THE JUMP…

SAM
We start with Sam helping his redneck family move into their new digs. Terry pulls up because he’s moving into Arlene’s house next door. He’s pretty pumped. Arlene isn’t. Sam hires his dad to be the on-site handyman for the apartments/houses that he owns and then him and his brother head into work. Later that night, Tommy’s dad calls and starts yelling at him about something. Tommy hangs up on him and then later asks Sam if he can crash at his place. They’re hanging out watching Animal Planet when their drunk-ass dad shows up yelling about how he "owns" Tommy. Sam restrains him and talks some sense into him and he leaves.

LAFAYETTE
Lafayette’s teaching Sam’s brother Tommy how to appreciate a cigarillo when his mom’s caretaker, Jesus, shows up.

Lafayette’s like, "whatever you fucking heard it ain’t true" and then Jesus is like, "uh, I just wanted to go to a movie, dude." He then proceeds to hang out at the bar for nine hours waiting for Lafayette to get off work. Desperate much? After Lafeyette gets off work they play pool but mostly they just flirt. I know, pretty major stuff.

JESS
Jess uses her awesome vampire powers to hypnotize a couple into not tipping Arlene after Arlene’s a bitch to her. Hoyt shows up with a date and Jess feels crappy until Tommy reminds her that she’s a super hot ginger vampire. Then she’s like, "oh yeah."
 
JASON
Jason shows up for his first day on the job at the Bon Temps Sheriff’s Dept. The other cops aren’t pleased. Andy puts him on phone detail. He spends the day acting like a retard locked in an office building and we’re treated to a goofy music montage of it all.

Andy puts him to work washing the cop cars which he does (shirtless of course). While he’s bitching to himself about it, the show’s newest cast member drives by and Jason has a weird vision of her in a forest (or was that a memory?). Because she’s hot, he hops in a squad car and chases after her while Dukes of Hazzard music plays. He pulls her over (still shirtless of course). They flirt. She gives him her name: Crystal. He asks her to Merlotte’s as she drives off and she says no. He says he’ll be there anyway.

Sure enough he’s there later that night and Andy shows up with the news that he can be a deputy if he just passes a physical and the written test. To his credit, Jason knows he’s about as smart as a pile of rocks so he’s bummed. As he’s leaving the bar he sees Crystal walking away. Crystal says some weird stuff about not being able to be with Jason and how it’s the way of things but she’s unwilling to explain what she means. Jason talks her into walking with him down to the lakeside so they can make out. She says she can’t be with him after this and then while they get hot and heavy the water starts to ripple.

FRANKLIN
Frank meets with The King in his study and gives him the intel he got from Bill’s home. They both realize that Bill is up to something as he had that huge file on Sookie and her family. Franklin lets the King know that he’d like to keep Tara around. "She’s spectacularly different. She’s such a fucking disaster. We could be twins. The attraction is eeeeelectric." Franklin just went from dislike to like for me.

Franklin ties Tara to the bed after putting her in a nice new gown. Then he shows off his texting skills. Not kidding. As soon as he falls asleep Tara starts gnawing on the ropes. She must be hungry!

Eventually she gets free and manages to bounce. Unfortunately for her, the King’s house is patrolled by werewolves and Cooter runs her down and tackles her. Franklin cries and drools and yells a bunch. He’s f*cking nuts. He’s like "why would you be scared of ME?" Tara keys in on his insanity and acts like she’s into him and only scared of the other vampires.

Later that night, Franklin finds Tara crying at the dinner table because the vampires gave her a big lily to eat. Do vampires really think humans eat flowers? Don’t they live amongst us? They never saw a McDonald’s ad on TV? Anyway, Franklin is pissed and yells at the vampire guarding her. Crazy-ass Franklin is hilarious. He asks Tara to be his vampire bride and she makes this face:

BILL
Bill comes back from his stripper meal to find Tara all tied up in the dining room. Tara asks Bill for help and he says no. He goes upstairs for Lorena and he tells her she’s stupid and that she played herself into a corner and then slams his door in her face. The next night, the King confronts Bill with the files that Franklin stole. Bill turns on the charm and denies that the file is even his. The King says he thinks Bill has been tracing the telepaths in the Stackhouse family so he can finally get one for the Queen. Bill denies it. Cooter shows up and requests to speak with the King in private. The King calls for a guard to lock Bill back in his room. Guess he doesn’t trust him anymore.

After meeting with the King, Cooter shows up to tell Bill that Sookie’s fucking Alcide and Bill doesn’t take it too well…

And then he jacks the guard by melting his face onto the silver door…

And makes this face…

And then bounces to find Sookie. No doubt this is all part of the King’s plan to test Bill’s loyalty.

ERIC
Eric is brought to the King’s house and the King’s boyfriend (Talbot) takes an immediate liking to him. Eric asks the King for permission to hunt Mississippi for Bill (how rich!). The King’s like, "hey let’s ask Bill!" and then on queue he comes strolling in. Bill lets Eric know that Sookie and him are splitsville. Eric seems pleased. He comes clean about selling V for the Queen and asks the King for advice. The King, it turns out, hates the Magister as much as everyone else. He says he may have a solution and invites Eric to spend the night. Talbot looks like he might rape Eric in the middle of the night.

The next night the King requests that Eric keep Talbot entertained by letting Talbot give him the full tour. Talbot show’s him a 16th century Japanese scroll of Vampire erotica (who knew tentacle porn existed back then?).

Eric sees a crown that he recognizes and we get a flashback to old viking times. It’s Eric and his family. His dad is wearing the crown and they’re telling Eric he needs to settle down and marry a nice girl and be the future king. Eric goes off to bang the goat wench and while he’s doing that his entire family is being murdered by a pack of werewolves who answer to a mysterious hooded figure. Since Eric’s still human, he can’t do much but swear to his father that he’ll get vengeance. Only took a few hundred years, right?

SOOKIE/ALCIDE
Sookie and Alcide are speeding off from the party. Alcide is super pissed about what went down. Sookie, being as dumb as ever, says she wants to talk to the King as he’d know where Bill is (Sookie is turning into psycho ex). Alcide is like, uh, no. They go back to Alcide’s where Sookie is woken up by Alcide arguing with his ex. Sookie lays into the ex and defends Alcide before reading her mind. She doesn’t know where Bill is. Sookie, get over it.
The next morning Alcide tells Sookie that he’s running some errands but she reads his mind and finds out he’s going to see the pack master (pack master’s the alpha wolf and makes decisions for the pack since werewolves are all kind of stupid). Sookie weasels her way into going with him. He growls. I like this guy.

They go see the schlubby pack master (he even drives a shitty 80s Caddie). He knows all about the King and his wolves and he’s too scared to help. They let his drive off.

Sookie’s woken up when Bill comes to tell her to leave. Unfortunately it was just a trap and the King, Cooter, and the melty-face guard show up. Cooter kicks Alcide in the balls and he goes down like a lightweight ("Wolfman has nards!"). Bill doesn’t fare much better with the guard and Cooter goes for Sookie. He grabs her and she does her Sookie light-move:

Cooter gets thrown back. The King loves it. Bill looks a little surprised. Sookie looks a little surprised and the episode ends.

Do you like this story?