Hey gang. I’ve been tapped by my pals at SJ to cover "True Blood." Not because of my sterling prose or daring wit, but because I have HBO. So you’re stuck with me. I’ll keep it light and try to hit the key points of each episode. It will not be a shot-for-shot breakdown. Other sites handle that better than I could and if you wanted that, well, you could just watch the show, right?
MORE AFTER THE JUMP…
So anyway, previously on "True Blood":
-Sookie got some new powers (sparkly hands) which don’t really seem to do anything yet.
-Sookie is now linked to Eric after drinking his blood.
-Eric is VERY interested in Sookie, either for her power, her bod, or some other nefarious purpose.
-Shapeshifting Sam’s looking for his shape-shifting parents.
-Jason (Sookie’s brother) killed Tara’s boyfriend, Eggs.
-A maenad (whatever that is) started a cult in Sookie’s grandma’s house.
-Lafayette is ALSO now linked to Eric after drinking his blood and is slinging V for him (via the Queen’s orders).
-Bill was forced to adopt a 16 year old vampire as a daughter (Jessica).
-Bill got kidnapped after proposing to Sookie.
-Lots of other stuff.
And now you’re about as up to speed at I am (the last new episode of "True Blood" was in September of last year).
We start right where we left off – Sookie screaming for Bill, Jason freaking out after killing Eggs, Sam driving to his find his parents, Jessica returning home with dying truck driver in tow, and Bill being held captive in the back of a car with his kidnappers.
Sookie gets no help from the local law since it looks like Bill just bailed after she said "no." But she does get a ride into town, which is nice.
The police are also busy at Merlotte’s investigating Eggs’ shooting, which Andy is nice enough to take the blame for. Tara gets plenty heated at the allegations that Eggs was a serial killer and Lafayette drags her off to Sookie’s house before she goes to fisticuffs. (Sookie’s house, really? Isn’t it still totally trashed from Maryann’s cult?)
Jessica is at home with her victim, begging him to stay alive (remorseful? She’s like a Twilight vampire). Sookie interrupts her to let her know that Bill’s been kidnapped then bounces. Jessica feeds her blood to the trucker to try and save him.
Bill’s captors are now mainlining off Bill while still en route to wherever they’re taking them, while Bill warns them that they’re in danger of killing him if they keep draining him.
Andy joins Jason at his place to fill him on their coverup. I’m glad these two are still teamed up. They were pert hilarious last season trying to save Bon Temps from Maryann’s psychos. Andy’s orders for Jason: act normal (meaning get laid. Jason’s rep as a man-slut is hilarious). "Conscience off, dick on" says Andy. Hey, my family motto.
Sookie heads to Fangtasia, the greatest bar on Earth, to find Eric. Eric is busy having turbo-sex with his newest dancer but stops to have a naked chat with Sookie about how he didn’t kidnap Bill but he is duty-bound to find him.
Bill decided he doesn’t like being captive anymore and breaks the neck of the driver, totally wrecking his own Beemer as a result. Fortunately, Bill is undead and isn’t too badly hurt by the wreck. Unfortunately, he’s going to have to drive a PT Cruiser rental for weeks while his whip gets fixed. Bill calls for Jessica using the vampire mind trick.
Sookie heads home, finds Tara and Lafayette, and finds out about Eggs. "Uh oh Tara, I totally read his mind and let him remember that he’s a multiple murderer." Tara goes into Tara-mode and starts screaming at Sookie. I don’t know if it’s the character, the actress, or the situations they put her in, but Tara is so f’ing annoying. They have like 40 other characters on this show, it can’t hurt to kill off just one.
Eric’s in his sex dungeon yelling at someone for failing to successfully kidnap Bill but we learn that the guy arrived AFTER whomever actually kidnapped Bill. Eric’s #1, Pam (wearing some ridiculous fetish gear), tells him that he needs to call the Queen because he’s losing his shit.
Sam’s in a hotel looking through the phone book when Bill shows up for help. Bill hits on Sam and we get dangerously close to a gay porn before Sam wakes up. Vampire blood man. I thought I had crazy dreams. Sam gets the world’s most helpful phone call. He finds out his parents were evicted but they have a son, he also finds out his name and where he works. Convenient!
Tara’s mom shows up at Lafayette’s house ad we’re reminded where Tara gets her annoying from. Maybe when they kill Tara off her mom can go down with her.
Sookie shows up at the sheriff’s office to get help from the sheriff himself (not the badass vampire kind, the lame human kind). We’re treated to some of that thinly veiled racism metaphor when the sheriff says that vampires aren’t even real people. Sookie counters with the respect-your-elders bit because Bill’s like, really old. Worst counter-argument ever?
Sam meets his brother, but his brother lies and says that the guy he’s looking for skipped town. Not sure if Sam believes him or not, but he drops his name on the way out.
Bill goes all Night of the Living Dead on us and crawls up out of the ground he dug himself into to wait out the day.
Jessica wakes up next to Larry the Cable Guy‘s corpse (stinky) and Hoyt calls. She says she misses him too and then hangs up on him because, like Eric, she is losing her shit.
The Queen shows up at Fangtasia and kicks everyone out like she’s P Diddy. She’s with the magister played by this guy, who plays a prick in every movie or show he’s in:
He’s worried about the V problem in Louisiana so he’s asked the Queen for help and she suggested Eric. "True Blood"/"Wire" mash up?
Back at Merlotte’s Jason is doing what Jason does best and hitting on two chicks at once. Deputy Andy looks on in jealousy. Oh Andy. A reluctant Hoyt joins them and they all head back to Jason’s place.
The magister leaves Fangtasia and the Queen goes all hissy-vampire on Eric and tells him to sell the entire supply of V.
Sookie shows up at Bill’s to get Jessica’s help finding Bill and the two set off on what I’m sure will be a wacky road trip comedy.
Or maybe not because Bill feeds on a nice old lady and will be in tip-top shape in no time. Do you think old lady blood tastes horrible?
Sam tails his newly-found brother home from the tire shop and checks the mail to see who lives there. It’s definitely the right place.
Jason’s at his place hooking up with one of the new girls but is having "performance" issues because he murdered Eggs and keeps seeing bullet wounds on her forehead. So her friend comes in to help and poor Jason can’t even get it up for a threesome. Man, his guilt runs deep. Jason tells the girls that he keeps seeing bullet holes in their heads and they leave. Probably a good idea.
Bill puts the old vampire charm to work on the old lady he drained and finds out he’s in Mississippi. In the distance a wolf howls. Subtle.
Lafayette comes home in time to find Tara gulping down dozens of pills. Tara’s such a moron it’s probably vitamin C.
Jess and Sookie find Bill’s car and a dude inside with a weird scar/brand on his shoulder blade. They look the symbol up some magical website that has every symbol ever and what it means. Turns out this one means "Project Werewolf."
Bill runs through the forest thanks to some horrible special effects and is attacked by a pack of wolves. Normal-sized, normal-looking wolves. NOOOOOO!!!
It’s just like Twilight! Has no one seen Dog Soldiers, Silver Bullet, or The Howling? If they just turn into wolves why is that scary for a vampire? And how are they different than Sam? He can turn into a wolf. So bummed. Michael Jackson was scarier in Thriller. Bill goes into fang-mode and flies at the wolves and the show ends.
Ok, well that’s the season three opener. I think all the stuff with Eric and his V operation is interesting. Sam’s background might be interesting. I’m curious as to why the werewolves want Bill. I continue to be annoyed by Tara and couldn’t care less where her story line goes. What do you all think?