Previously on "True Blood," Sam helped his brother escape a vicious dog-fighting ring. Bill and Sookie tag-teamed Lorena, and not in a good way. Jason dug for info on Crystal. Sookie saved Bill's life by letting him feed on her and he went overboard and put her in a coma. Later, Bill saved Sookie from a really weird coma dream with a bunch of hippie fairies and then she freaked when she woke up and saw him.  The King (of Mississippi AKA Russell) and Queen (of Louisiana) saved Pam and then the King tortured the Magister until he married them, then the King cut his head off. And now on to this week's episode...

More after the jump...

We start with Sookie and her screaming fit. Alcide runs to her side and grabs Bill but before anything happens they all cool down and Sookie asks for time alone with Bill. He apologizes but says he doesn't want to be forgiven. They both cry and kind of agree to break up so she can have a normal relationship/life.

He pulls the IV from his vein (the one that went directly into her vein) and bounces, leaving his end of the IV dripping on the floor. Is that a good idea? Won't her blood start running out of it?

After the credits, we go to the King's Mansion where the Queen is arriving with her luggage (and cockatoo) and Talbot is complaining about everything. "Franklin's brains won't wash off the guest linens, I have to bury werewolves under the gazebo, and that Sookie bitch staked Lorena!" The life of a househusband is so unappreciated. Eric interrupts their spat to let the King know that a "werebitch" is in his study. It's Cooter's ex and she wants to kill Sookie and Alcide for killing Cooter. Eric says that's probably not wise. The King asks how he can trust Eric and Eric gets on his knees and spews some BS about looking for a true leader that can unite vampires.

Over to Terry and Arlene, the world's most boring subplot (and that's saying something). Terry's singing to her fetus while Arlene drifts off and dreams about Rene and he's all sorts of creepy, saying his evil is in the baby's blood.

We don't have to suffer that too long when we kick over to Bill coming home to Jessica. He tells her to bounce and that he "releases" her and is no longer her master. She cries blood, says she doesn't want to be alone anymore, and he softens up a little bit.

Meanwhile, Sookie is sitting with Alcide. She says that he can stay in her guest room as long as he wants.

Before Alcide can really put the moves on her, Jason busts in with Andy and they want her to press charges against Bill. Jason ends up storming off with Sookie yelling after him to not be an anti-vampite or go after Bill.

As Jason drives off, we cut to Lafayette massaging Tara's nasty man-feet while she stares blankly into space. He asks if she's suicidal, and she says no. Then he says she can stay with him. Lots of living situation discussions this week.

Sam wakes up to his mom in dog form on his front door. She turns human again and is buck naked. Totally inappropriate. Sam throws up a little bit and then tells her to get inside before anyone else sees and gets sick. She gets all her sh*t and Sam tells her she's not welcome back. She guilt-trips them a bit and then leaves (after asking for money). Tommy cries. Lots of man-crying this week.

Back to Tara, who has a little Inception moment, dreaming about masturbating in the shower while dreaming about Franklin. Who dreams about masturbating? Talk about aiming low. She wakes up when his fangs pop out and they start to make out. Out front Lafayette's coming inside when his mom guns a statue at his head. They don't explain how she got out of the hospital, but she says she's there to protect him from vampires and witches. By throwing statues at him?

Over to Sookie's house where she's sunbathing and crying at the same time when Tara's man-feet pop into the frame. She lies down with Sookie to keep her company and they hold hands. Awwww.

The happy friendship lasts about 10 seconds before they argue about Bill, Sookie saying she misses him and Tara saying she's like a dumb abused girlfriend from a country song. Tara storms off to take some steroids and tells Alcide to flirt some sense into her.

While this is going on, Jason's getting his anti-vamp shit out. He's looking over some staked shotgun shells when Crystal comes pounding at the door, drenched and with a black eye. She says swimming was the only way “they” wouldn't track her scent.

At Merlotte's, Tara drops a bottle of V while thinking about Franklin and Arlene interviews a new waitress. Sam comes in and finds Tara crying and cleaning V off her jeans. He hugs her while she cries. This episode is fascinating.

Back to Jason's place. Crystal's having a drink while explaining to Jason that her ex gave her the shiner when she told him she "weren't gonna marry him no more." Jason talks her into staying and they make out.

As they get down, Lafayette's mom is stacking shit against the door to keep vampires and witches away from her son, which is super annoying when someone comes knocking. It's Jesus coming to get Lafayette's mom. She pulls a knife and refuses to leave. Jesus talks her down and gets the knife back. Lafayette rapes him with his eyes.

Over at the King's mansion, Eric grabs a scantily clad Hadley and asks her to deliver a message to Sookie. His ears and nose are bleeding without explanation. Is there a scene missing or something? Did I nod off?

Speaking of Sookie, we cut over to her place and Alcide's on the phone with his sister. Turns out his ex, Debbie, and her pack of rednecks burned down his sister's hair salon. TOO FAR! Alcide has to go deal with it and invites Sookie to come so he can keep her safe but she refuses. She says if she were smart she would have fallen in love with someone like him. They hug goodbye and then get REALLY close to kissing but he leaves. Eat it, Twilight.

Later that night Tommy and Sam are at work. Sam's like, "If Tara starts throwing shit and yelling, come find me." Hoyt comes in and asks Tommy if Jess is around and they almost get into a fight when Tommy says that Jess is out of his league. Sam breaks it up and tries to have a heart-to-heart with Tommy but he isn’t having it.

Meanwhile Jess is getting some Matrix training courtesy of Bill. He's even wearing black leather. What could be cool training is interrupted by Jess and Bill having a really gay conversation about how much he loves Sookie. Jess is like, "OMG, I totes feel the same way about Hoyt." Heart-to-heart convos are my favorite.

Hadley shows up at Sookie's place with Eric's message: "Russell is coming for you. Don't trust Bill." Great message, good work Eric, Sookie will be just fine now. While running out the door Hadley says she hopes Sookie can forgive her one day and then Sookie reads her mind and finds out that Hadley is the one that told them about Sookie in the first place. Bitch!

Back at the King's mansion Talbot is losing his shit over the King running off to get Sookie (which seems like it might be a 10 minute mission at most, but no one brings this up). He starts smashing all the antiques but when he grabs Eric's dad's crown Eric stops him before he can throw it. He offers to entertain Talbot amidst a plethora of sexy looks and euphemisms. The King thanks him and leaves.

Jason and Crystal are snuggling in post-coital bliss on his undoubtedly filthy couch. She says she's never done much aside from cooking... meth. Jason says he'll take care of her and that no one will come between them. Then he tells her to hop in the shower while he gets some food. He grabs his shotgun and leaves.

Crystal's (ex)fiancé shows up at Merlotte's with her dad. Sam smells them before he sees them. He says he hasn't seen anyone matching Crystal's description and asks them to leave. They threaten Sam and call him a shifter before leaving. So apparently they aren't exactly human either. Only took 75% of the episode for something interesting to happen.

While this is going on, Lafayette's mom has finally gone to sleep and Lafayette and Jesus talk. Jesus warns him about his "power" turning dark dealing drugs and Lafayette says that quitting isn't all that easy. Jesus is like, "well, so long as you've thought about it" and they make out.

Cut to Eric and Talbot playing chess at the King's house.

Eric wins and Talbot knocks all the pieces on the ground and goes, "I'm bored, take off your clothes." Eric's like, "OK." Then THEY start making out. For a show that’s traditionally pretty gay, tonight is like, super gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

As the lovefest continues at the mansion, Jason is looking to start some shit at Crystal's house. What he finds is a blood slick leading to a decapitated deer and a naked guy feasting on it. He quickly exits only to be met in the driveway by Crystal's dad. Jason threatens him and then leaves. The dad looks pleased because I'm pretty sure he can track him now. Whoops.

Sookie's also walking around with a shotgun, only she's just guarding her house. Debbie and a couple other wolves show up. The two other wolves go in first but they're met by Bill and Jess. They were just a distraction though and Debbie is able to get to Sookie. Debbie easily knocks the gun away, Sookie punches her, and she punches Sookie. Bill is ripping a wolf apart when he hears struggling upstairs, he's on his way up when Jess chases a wolf out of the house and then SHE screams. The King has her. He was just trying to bait Bill or Jess out of the house so he could get one of them to invite him in.

The King tries to force Bill to choose between Jess and Sookie, but Bill won't so the King takes a good size chunk out of Jess's neck and starts sucking. Bill taunts him into letting Jess go and fighting him. Jess runs off with the wolf chasing her while the King kicks Bill's ass. While the King grinds his silver spur into Bill's face, Sookie is having a huge cat fight with Debbie. Sookie slashes her face with scissors and then grabs the shotgun. Am I the only one that finds it absurd that a girl can beat up a werewolf (Debbie kicked the door clean off its hinges when she showed up)? Why doesn't Debbie at least turn into a wolf so she doesn't get embarrassed?

The King continues to kick Bill around while we check in on Talbot and Eric rolling around naked on the rug. Turns out Talbot's a bottom. Eric uses this to his advantage to stake him. "Russell took my family, now I take his."

The King feels this and immediately flies off, sparing Bill the ass-kicking of a lifetime. Bill runs upstairs to find that Sookie has scared off Debbie. Sookie and Bill make out like crazy despite the fact that he has wolf juice all over his face and mouth. Gross. While they get down, Hoyt's driving along and right off the side of the road Jess is going crazy feeding on a wolf begging for his life. She's getting off on it. We cut back to Sookie and Bill having angry sex on the floor. Finally, some gratuitous female nudity. The episode ends as they bot choke the crap out of the each other. So romantic.


When Brian isn't busy yellng at his friends' wives about Twilight, he writes about movies, TV, art, and other stuff on his site NOTZOMBIES, which has very little to do with zombies.