Previously on "True Blood": Bill met with Sookie's dream friends. Sam curb-stomped Crystal's redneck father. Lafayette and Jesus took said redneck for help. Eric got permission from The Authority to ice The King. The King ripped out a newscaster's spine and basically declared war on humankind. Ok, on to this week.

We finally learn what Sookie is courtesy of Bill: a fairy (or well, part fairy). The gayest of all the mythological creatures. Apparently all the fairies were thought to be extinct thanks to vampires hunting them down for their sweet, sweet blood. Sookie wants to know if this is why Bill likes her, and he's like, "of course not" but we all know different, right? I mean, did you see how easily he pulled stripper tail a few eps back?

More after the jump..

While Sookie gets the 411 on who she really is, Jason and Tara deal with the crime scene named Franklin. Jason digs a hole about 2 inches deep and they kind of kick dirt on top of Franklin's guts while Jason takes his clothes and throws them in his truck. While Jason does all this he flashes back on his other two kills: Milton from Office Space and Eggs.

We throw over to Lafayette and Jesus. Instead of going to the hospital they take Crystal's dad to Lafayette's house where they shove some V down his throat. It works and he's totally ungrateful. Dick. He even hits Crystal and then disowns her.


Sam feels shitty after messing up Crystal's dad and hits the Jack Daniels really, really hard. So hard that he flashes back to a time when he used his powers for evil and would jack expensive jewelry. We see Sam return to a hotel room, triumphant with two bags full of bling, straight-up Goonies style. He celebrates with a blonde hottie that he was partnered with. The celebration doesn’t last long before he’s double-crossed by her and her real partner pulls a gun on him and they leave with the jewels. Flashback ends. He feels so stupid he guns his now empty bottle of Jack at the wall.

While this is all going down Eric is preparing his will so that if he dies trying to kill Russell, Pam will inherit everything he owns. Awww, that's so sweet.

Back at Jason's house (where Bill and Sookie are chilling), Bill is watching the news and the Vampire League is distancing themselves from Russell as hate crime break out over the country. They call him a terrorist and “just one man." Eric shows up and takes a walk with Bill. Eric also knows that Sookie is a fairy. Eric wants to know if it’s true that Sookie’s blood allowed Bill to walk in the sun. The gist is that The Queen had hopes that Sookie’s blood would grant the drinker special powers. He tells Bill how he's now at odds with Russell and Bill’s pissed that Eric’s actions are what prompted The King’s little outburst on network news. Sookie shows up and throws some sass around and Eric bounces after saying that he won’t be around much longer.

Over at Merlotte's Arlene and Jess have it out over Arlene’s anti-vampire attitude. Tommy loves it and hits on Jess once again. She runs off, fangs out.

Hoyt's parking with Summer, and she puts the moves on him to try and seal the deal. Hoyt acts like the virgin he is.

At Jason's, Jason and Tara come home and are surprised that Sookie and Bill have taken up residence. Tara is disbelieving that Sookie would love someone that just stood by while Franklin raped and used her. Bill makes sure that Jason is ready to defend the house against werewolves while he sleeps in the ground nearby.

At Lafayette's, Jesus tells Lafayette that he wants to do V with him. They both take a hit but we cut before they get all gay-crazy.

We throw over to Merlotte's first thing in the morning. The new waitress tries to give Sam some black cohash because she's a retarded Wican. He tells her to mind her own bee's wax. Tommy says he's proud of Sam for trying to kill the shifter/werewolf/whatever. Arlene tells Terry that the baby is actually Rene's and it's evil and she wants to have an abortion. Terry says "no." He thinks they can raise the baby with love and it'll be okay. He's an idiot.

Back at Jason's pad he's telling Sookie how he killed Franklin. Sookie reassures him that he did the right thing.

He then tells Sookie how he killed Eggs. She thinks he needs to tell Tara the truth but he disagrees. 

Over at Lafayette's, Lafayette and Jesus are tripping balls. Everything's golden and Lafayette’s tacky décor is animated and dancing in their drug-induced haze until they come upon Jesus's grandma, an old pharmacologist that can solve problems with her herbs. Then they see Jesus's mom, a fertility quack back home. Then they see Lafayette's grandma, who was also a witch doctor (they see this despite the fact that Lafeyette never even knew what she was). Their last visit is to Jesus's grandpa, who was into some crazy voodoo shit. He had plans for Jesus. This is a very informative drug trip.

While Jesus and Lafayette trip, Sookie has a dream of her own. It's another dream of Eric. She says she's tired of dreaming of him but Eric's like, "obviously not." He kisses her, tells her she can’t trust Bill, and then goes for her neck. When he bites, Sookie wakes up. In another part of the house Jason checks in on Tara, and she thanks him for always looking out for her. Tara cries and Jason offers a comforting hug before making out with her. Tara breaks free and is like, "I'm fucked up, I'm so fucked up" (yeah, no sh*t). She tries to leave the room but Jason stops her and admits that he shot Eggs. Tara runs off and Jason finds a note from Sookie that she'll be back.

Later that day, Jess arrives home at Bill's house to only to encounter some anti-vampites—brick through the window, graffiti, burning cross. Oh the South. 

Bill arrives just in time to stop her from going after them.

Sam wanders the woods drunk, remembering his old life as an asshole shifter. We learn that after he was double crossed by the hot chick, he turned into a dog and tracked her and her boyfriend. He beats the hell out of the dude and then ends up shooting the girl that betrayed him when she pulls a gun. He then puts a bullet in the head of the guy he just beat the crap out of.

At Fangtasia, Sookie barges in on Eric and wants to know why she shouldn't trust Bill. Eric and her have a passionate make out session when Eric basically tries to say goodbye to her before going after Russell. Pam interrupts and pulls Eric aside. She wants Eric to offer Sookie up to The King to save his life. Eric refuses. He's a sweetheart like that.

Speaking of Russell, he pathetically picks up on a male prostitute and they head back to the hooker’s place. This can’t end well.

Over at Merlotte's, Arlene asks the new waitress (who must have a name, that I don’t know) about alternatives to abortion. While this is going on Hoyt is confessing his love to Jess. Jess is like, "you don't know what I've done" and Hoyt's like, "get over it." Jess stands in silence so Hoyt bounces. Tommy sees his opening and heads outside to egg Hoyt into a fight. Hoyt decks him and Tommy turns into a pit bull and attacks him, ripping into his arm pretty good. Jess comes outside, sees this, tosses Tommy into the woods (like literally chucks him 20 feet into the air), and lets Hoyt feed off her to heal himself.

Back at Jason's house, Bill rolls up tough on Jason, mad at him for losing track of Sookie. Jason revokes his invitation and kicks him to the curb for being an asshole. Then he hears growling coming from the other room and immediately regrets it. He goes into his bedroom and sees a jaguar. The animal, not the car.

Turns out it's Crystal.

Time to check in on Russell and his man whore. They're cuddling in post-coital bliss. Russell freaks out a bit and pretends that the prostie is Talbot, talking to him and apologizing for the way it ended. Then he stakes him, which is like, even more unpleasant for someone who isn't a vampire.

He kisses him goodbye and then spoons with the corpse. Ew.

We cut to Fangtasia one final time. Sookie tells Eric that he can't just treat her like a prisoner and he's like, "actually, I can" and just picks her up and carries her off screaming. Bill psychically “hears” her distress and runs to her in goofy fast-forward vampire motion. Before he can get to Fangtasia Eric chains Sookie up via metal collar in the basement and the episode ends.

When Brian isn't busy yellng at his friends' wives about Twilight, he writes about movies, TV, art, and other stuff on his site NOTZOMBIES, which has very little to do with zombies.