Previously on "True Blood," Jason hooked up with mysterious newcomer Crystal. Lafayette got a new boyfriend/stalker, Jesus. Franklin proposed to Tara. Eric found out that the King killed his Viking dad a thousand years ago or so. Sam and Tommy bonded, much to the chagrin of their white trash dad. Bill went to Sookie to tell her to leave, the King and Cooter followed and Sookie used her Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on Cooter's face. And now onto "True Blood" episode 3.6, “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues.”

Apparently the hand trick can only be done once because the King drags Sookie and Bill back to his pad. Bill waits until they're safely back in the King's house before he stakes the King's bodyguard who turns into a pile of strawberry preserves.

More after the jump...

Talbot makes this face when the guard gets it:

Bill then jumps onto the King’s shoulders and either tries to impregnate his head or just fly off with him:

Why didn't he try to escape before he was surrounded by two more body guards, Eric, Lorena, and the King's boyfriend, Talbot? Moot point since the King just tosses him into the ceiling and laughs at him. The King's 3,000 years old and you get stronger the older you are. So lucky. I pulled a hammie getting out of my car last week. Bill asks Eric to get Sookie out but Eric just grabs her and tells the King that he should hold on to her for her potential value. Talbot gets really upset. Not because people are getting killed, or because they keep kidnapping humans, but because the King has very little respect for their home. I mean, just LOOK at the foyer.

The King orders Bill to the slave quarters and then tells Lorena to kill him. Sookie threatens Lorena but Sookie's all talk. Sookie starts nagging Eric and he does what we all want to do to Sookie every week:

Kick it over to Merlotte's for some local nightlife. Some bitch orders a full dinner even though they're clearly trying to shut down (that's the best way to get some nasty shit done to your food). Jesus offers to help Lafayette in the kitchen. Arlene lets slip to Jess that she's pregnant whilst begging for her life (she was overreacting). Out back by the lake, Jason's getting it on with Crystal. I think I may have been hallucinating the ripples in the water last week, cuz that's not happening now. There's a sound in the woods and Crystal starts sniffing the air before saying "I gotta go." Werewolf maybe? She tells Jason to forget her and then bounces.

Back at the King's pad, Sookie is pissed at Eric for pretending to be her BFF. He's like, "I'm about this close to killing the asshat that murdered my entire family so shut your hick mouth for two minutes." The King comes in and asks Eric to leave. Eric flashes the worst fake smile ever:

At Merlotte's, Arlene’s bitching about that last customer so Jess mind tricks her into finishing up and leaving all her cash. So nice. Oh, and then she feeds on her in the women's restroom. Lafayette and Jesus sit in the parking lot and get to know each other. Jesus reveals that he was conceived when his mom was raped. Maybe Jesus will end up being supernatural like everyone else in Bon Temps. And then they make out. Every straight guy watching awkwardly looks at their watch, wonders about work, coughs, etc.

Thankfully we cut over to the King and Sookie. They have a little Q&A session. Sookie begs for Bill's life so the King reveals Bill's "Sookie File" to her. Sookie's like "WTF?" While this is going on, Lorena's getting ready to kill Bill really slowly. Heh. "Kill bill."

She cuts his chest open, cuts her finger open and then rubs her blood into his gaping wound. Gross. He says some nice stuff to her to make her cry and then she slashes his face. Aw.

Over to Franklin and his bride-to-be, Tara. She looks awful. I mean particularly awful. Not her usual awful. She's playing up the willing lover but doing a crap job. Good thing Frank is so fucking nuts. Tara convinces Frank to let her bite his throat and boy does she go for it. Full on feast mode. Frank's like, "OH YEAH! KILL ME! KILL ME HARD!" So creepy.

Downstairs, Talbot and Eric are playing cards. The King asks Eric to come with him on drive. Talbot gets really jealous and storms off muttering in Spanish. So adorable. They lock Sookie in a room where she does some more ugly-face crying. Tara "talks" to Sookie psychically. She tells her they're going to make thei break at dawn.

Eric and the King are in the car talking about Sookie and Eric's relationship with her. Eric lets the King think that he might be gay. Or maybe he actually is. Who knows with these vampires? The King admits to giving his blood to werewolves so he can use them. Then he reminisces about the old days and how clean the air used to be and how tasty humans were. Eric says he remembers everything. In a really not subtle way. They drive by the exit they should have taken and Eric looks a tad concerned.

Lafayette brings Jesus back to his tacky-ass apartment. Jesus sees his "shrine" and is schooling him on the proper way to worship his weird pagan Gods when there's a ruckus outside. It's the drug dealers smashing up Lafayette's new ride. Lafayette and Jesus proceed to beat the crap out of the drug dealers, but in the course of it all Jesus learns that Lafayette slings V and he's none too pleased.

Meanwhile, the Queen has a new plan to get out of debt:

The King shows up to kill a bunch of her guards (unfortunately off-camera) and also propose. She refuses so Eric pins her down and threatens to rip her head off but the King stops him. She reconsiders the King's proposal in order to keep her head attached. Hooray! Wedding episode during sweeps!

Bill's not having quite the good time Eric is. Lorena's licking his blood off of one of many, many knives she's been using. She's been crying up a storm and looks like a hot mess.

They argue about who's the worse person, but are interrupted when Cooter and Alcide's ex show up to drink Bill's blood and then get busy. Lorena lets them drink and beat him while she watches and cries more gross tears.

Back in Bon Temps, Sam and Tommy are watching political news (seriously). Sam wants Tommy to come clean about what's going on with their dad and he says it ain't their Pa but he won't come clean just yet. Their mom shows up with some delicious corn fritters fried in bacon grease (Louisiana- 5th fattest state in the US). Sam says he'll sell them as a lunch special, which seems kind of rude to me. After he leaves, Mama slaps Tommy around a bit and lays a guilt trip on him. I believe the implication from their conversation is that both she and Tommy participate in some kind of cock fight for shifters and the dad is their promoter/pimp, setting up fights and making them do it. I can't wait to see one of these fights.

We head back to Tara and Franklin at the King's house. Tara delicately slips out of bed, gets a spiked mace off of the wall, and bludgeons poor, crazy Franklin to death with it (well, maybe. Can vampires come back from having their head caved in?). This bums me out.

While Tara makes her escape, Jason's heading over to Crystal's house with some flowers. It’s what I would call a “fixer-upper.” Or maybe just a “shit hole.” Her fiancé answers the door with his face beat to shit. Crystal comes to the door and pretends like she's never seen Jason before because she's too embarrassed to admit she'd know any man over 18 that would wear his varsity jacket. She did try to warn him.

Back to Tara and her cracker jack escape plan. She gets passed the werewolf guard with a bowl of almonds for Sookie and they jump the dude and beat him. Note that a kick to the balls was part of the attack. Works on wolves every time. They run out of there like Thelma and Louise.

Over at Merlotte's Arlene complains about the pit bull that Sam's family had that morning. Sam obviously realizes that the pit bull was Tommy. Although why would he shift before getting in the car? Sam calls Sheriff Andy to find out about local do fighting rings. Turns out there's one nearby so Sam heads over. With his gun. To a dog fight. Great idea. Michael Vick will be so mad.

On his way over, he drives by Jason Stackhouse. Who then sees the young Bon Temps QB banging his girlfriend in his car. So he drags him out and threatens him. He says he'll be a cop soon and he's keeping his eye on him. Petty.

While Jason's playing fake cop, Sookie is going after Bill. Tara's job is to find some wheels. Unfortunately she runs into a wolf. Fortunately, it's Alcide (did we know he was a white wolf?). Sookie runs into the slave quarters to save Bill but forgets about Lorena. Lorena throws Sookie against the wall and then dives into her jugular. Where's Alcide when you need him? The episode ends with this lovely shot:

They should have zoomed into her gap before cutting to black.