Previously on "True Blood," Bill’s ex, Lorena, tortured Bill. The King proposed to the Queen and she accepted (with Eric’s help). Jesus found out that Lafayette deals V and was none too happy. Jason hooked up with new girl Crystal but then found out she’s engaged. Sam found out that Tommy competes in dog fights. Tara bashed Franklin’s head in. Sookie found Bill but was immediately caught, and then bit, by Lorena. And now on to this week’s episode…
More after the jump…
Lorena has about ten seconds to savor Sookie’s delicious blood before Bill wraps her throat up with a chain and holds her down for Sookie. Sookie hesitates for a second but then Lorena declares her love for Bill and Sookie goes, "YOU WOULDN’T KNOW LOVE IF IT KICKED YOU IN THE FANGS!" and then stakes her. Then blood comes shooting up out of Lorena’s mouth like some hell version of the Bellagio fountain show. It’s awesome. Bill gets drenched and then blacks out. Sookie screams for help and we go to the opening sequence. Good stuff.
Alcide and Tara show up with a van. They wrap Bill up in a tarp but before they can load him Alcide’s bitch ex shows and pulls a gun on them.
We’re left in suspense as we cut to Sam driving up on an old man with a shotgun in the middle of a field. He tries to talk his way into the dog fights but the mean old bastard’s not having it. He takes Sam’s gun and Sam has to drive off.
Back to Sookie and friends. Alcide keeps his ex talking long enough for Sookie to create a distraction (screaming. brilliant.) and for Tara to run at her and knock the gun away. Alcide picks it up just in time for Cooter to come running in. Alcide puts one between his eyes. Alcide’s ex swears to hunt him down but he lets her live. They load Bill in the van and bounce. Some wolves give chase but it’s like,large utility van vs small wolf. Not really a problem. Alcide just runs one over and that’s that.
So while this is going on, Jason’s just lying around in a funk over Crystal. He says he loves her, which makes me think she must be supernatural. That, and it’s "True Blood" and pretty much everyone is supernatural. Hoyt suggests that Crystal might be mixed up with all the meth dealers ("Crystal" as in "crystal meth") and then says that Jason should talk to the dealer he busted. This cheers Jason up immensely. He goes off to change and Hoyt’s rebound date, Summer, shows up and acts like she’s his girlfriend. Oh boy. She’s going to end up as Jess-food.
Time to check in with Eric at the Queen’s house. They’ve put the queen in a giant birdcage. Seems a bit much.
Eric threatens to kill the Queen’s human, Hadley, if she won’t divulge her interest in Sookie. Before he can kill her, Hadley offers to tell Eric what’s so important about Sookie (she’s Sookie’s cousin, after all). She whispers the secret to Eric so we don’t get to hear. Bullshit. Eric goes, "Well I wasn’t expecting that."
Back to Sam. He shows up at the dog fighters’ camp (no sign of Michael Vick) and they comment on the size of his balls. His tail wags. They leash him and take him off somewhere.
Meanwhile, Sookie’s trying to get Bill to wake up in the back of the van. She cuts herself and feeds Bill. This never gets less creepy. Bill pops his fangs and goes a little overboard. He throws Sookie down and dives into her throat, feeding until Sookie can barely struggle. Up front, Tara is starting to lose her shit after what she’s been through.
Over at the local lock-up, Jason’s trying to find out more about Crystal from his perp. He reveals that Crystal is his cousin but won’t give him more info unless he brings him some meth. This is turning into "Breaking Bad."
Back to Alcide, Tara, Sookie, and Bill. Alcide’s gotta take a leak so he pulls over. Tara goes to check on Sookie but she’s not answering Tara’s knocks. They throw open the back to find an almost-dead Sookie and a very confused Bill, who is now immune to sunlight. At least for a little bit. Tara goes agro and kicks Bill out of the van into the sun and they drive off. He considers getting a tan but eventually his skin starts smoking so he runs off. Damn, Sookie is all kinds of special.
Throw it over to Sam, who’s about to be locked in a cage, so he shifts back and knocks out the handler.
Back to Sookie, now in the ER. They get a blood transfusion going, and she starts to seize. Her body is rejecting the blood because she doesn’t have a blood type they’ve ever seen before. At least I think that’s what’s happening. The doctor tells Tara to notify the family.
Meanwhile, the dog fighters have a good-sized pile of dead dogs going (the losers) and it’s Tommy’s turn to fight. Just as he goes in, Sam pulls the "cops are here" alarm and releases all the dogs, saving his brother from a nasty bite as all the local assholes run for the hills. Sam lays into his parents and rips them a new asshole (figuratively). Tommy has a hard time choosing but ultimately goes with Sam. I feel a spin-off coming on.
Back to Sookie in a coma. Jason and Lafayette are there now after a call from Tara. Jason tells Tara that Sookie’s never even been in a hospital, that she was born at home. Jason and Tara are talking to Sookie and begging her not to die when we go into Sookie’s dream. She’s in the hospital with a path of roses leading from her bed. She picks up an empty glass and follows the path. It leads outside to what I can only assume is a hippie commune. People bathing in a dirty pond and dancing around like it’s Woodstock. Everyone’s wearing white.
A British chick named Claudine or something shows up and is like, "oh dear, your cup is empty." They get some water from the dirty pond and it shines kind of like Sookie’s hand power. Sookie finds it refreshing with strong oak notes and a bold earthy flavor. Then she wants to dance.
Eventually she gets tired and Claudette says that she should stay. That they can swim home. Sookie reads her mind and she’s thinking about people that died and how it wasn’t the water that killed them. Before Sookie can find out what the hell she means it turns to night and Claudette warns that "the dark approaches."
Back in the real world, Bill comes into the room and says his blood can save her. In the dream world, all the fairy people are jumping in the pond and disappearing underwater in a flash of light. Sookie passes out. In the real world Jason allows Bill to give Sookie his blood. He taps a vein and plugs her IV right into it.
Because we haven’t visited Fangtasia in a while, we cut over there. The Magister is alone with Pam (who’s chained down to a table) and he’s brought her a nice pair of silver earrings. He says that since her ears are already pierced maybe he could pierce her eyelids. He’s such a dick.
Before he can actually shove the ring through her eyelid, Eric busts in with both the Queen and King in tow. The King lays the smack down on the Magister and spits in the face of the Magister’s loyalty to the Authority. He takes Pam off the table and replaces her with the Magister. Nice!
Sookie chooses this moment to wake up. Bill smiles and stands up next to her. She takes one look and freaks the f*ck out, screaming her head off.
Back to the King repeatedly sticking the Magister with his own silver lance until the Magister pronounces the Queen and King husband and wife. That’s one way to do it. Then the King lectures him for a while on how ridiculous the Authority is with it’s silly PR campaigns trying to placate humans while the vampires should be ruling the world (just like the plot of Blade). Then he lops the Magister’s head off. Not sure if that counts as an annulment or not… The Magister’s head hits the ground and pops like a water balloon and the episode ends.