Previously on "True Blood": Sookie found out she’s a fairy. Sam flashed back on a former life of crime. Eric prepared to go after, and probably get killed by, King Russell. Human kind reacted poorly to Russell killing a human anchor on-air. Arlene looked into mystical abortion. Jason admitted to Tara that he killed Eggs. Lafayette and Jesus dropped some V and had a shared vision of their voodoo relatives. Meth cook Crystal turned into a panther and broke into Jason’s bedroom. Hoyt was attacked by Tommy in pit bull form and was saved by Jess. Eric made out with Sookie and then chained her up in his basement. Ok, on to this week.
More after the jump…
Bill bursts into Fangtasia. He tries to get past Pam and into the basement after she drops a Twilight joke on him. After tossing her to the floor, he gets a face full of vampire mace.
Since Bill’s in no shape to save the Sookster, Eric’s Ukrainian dancer comes downstairs and Sookie’s like, "I thought you were on Team Eric." Another Twilight joke?! What the hell? Anna Paquin turns in some of the worst acting I’ve seen on this show as my future stripper wife undoes the lock on her collar. Sookie grabs some silver chains and heads upstairs to find Bill going fisticuffs with Pam. He punches her into the bar only to have her turn around and mace him in the face AGAIN. Homeboy does NOT learn. Sookie rescues him by choking Pam with her silver chains. Bill’s blinded for the time being so Sookie questions Pam. Pam says that Sookie was supposed to be a gift for King Russell, but now that she’s escaped they’ll all die. Sookie leaves Pam with the Ukrainian and leads Bill out the door.
Over at Lafayette’s house, he and Jesus are talking about their vision. Jesus is so pumped he wants to do V again immediately. Lafayette is about to relent when he hallucinates this little gem:
He says that sometimes you get aftershocks after you dose but he’s pretty spooked. He sends Jesus home.
Over at Jason’s place, Crystal is finally telling Jason what she is—a Juggalette. Kidding. She’s the panther version of a werewolf, a werepanther. He’s a lot more concerned about the panther thing than the meth dealer thing. Which, in real life would probably be the bigger problem, but in the crazy "True Blood" universe it’s like, no big deal. Crystal lets on that her fiancé was her half-brother and she’s supposed to breed with him for the rest of her life. EWWWW.
Meanwhile, Hoyt and Jess are hooking up at Jess’s place. She stops to admit to Hoyt that she murdered that truck driver. She says that she won’t live of True Blood, that she won’t stop drinking humans but she also won’t kill them. Hoyt tells her to feed off him then. She does.
Sad-sac Russell is at an art museum looking at Talbot’s favorite painting (with a dead guard on the floor, natch). He’s waiting for Eric. When Eric arrives he tells Russell why he killed Talbot. Russell thinks it’s a pretty stupid reason. He tells Eric he’s going to enjoy ripping him apart. Eric says they’re even and thinks he could be of use to The King. Russell sees things differently and moves to stroke Eric’s face/rip his throat out when Eric offers up the ability to walk in the sun (meaning Sookie). Russell’s willing to see if Eric can deliver.
We cut over to Bill and Sookie driving around in her POS. He’s all butt hurt that Sookie went to see Eric and wants to know if she has feelings for him. She’s like, well yeah but just because I drank his blood. Duh, Bill.
As Sookie and Bil drive around chatting about feelings, Arlene is setting a date with the Wiccan waitress for a voodoo abortion after work. Sam comes crashing into the bar drunk yelling at the bar patrons. He’s like, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT?! YOU’RE UGLY!" In his defense, she was.
Aside from that, he’s being a major league dick to everyone including Terry and Arlene. Arlene and the new waitress decide to not put up with his shit and they bounce, after grabbing the salt (of course).
Time to check in on Jason, who’s sitting in the high school parking lot trying to get a hold of Sookie. He sees the punk high school QB throwing balls to his friends [side note: the actor has a horrible throw]. The dude is intense. He’s throwing so hard that it looks like he might be on V.
Meanwhile, a crying Summer pays a visit to Hoyt’s mean ass mom to tell her that her plan didn’t work. Hoyt’s mom goes, "Dagnabbit! Shit fire!" Ah, southern charm. Hoyt’s mother tells her to not give up, that she still has some tricks. Roofies?
Back to Merlotte’s where Sam’s now waiting tables on his own. Tara shows up to talk to Sheriff Andy. She sits down and just stares at him while he makes uncomfortable, idle small talk. Finally she says she knows about Eggs and lays into Andy. Andy tells her the whole story and apologizes. It doesn’t seem like Tara knew about Eggs wanting to die.
In the back of Merlotte’s, Sam’s losing his shit. He lays into Tommy and Tommy immediately becomes compliant but Sam’s too pissed to care. He goes out front and kicks the entire restaurant out. Tara calmly sits at the bar with a bottle of Patron and refuses to leave.
Sookie and Bill are driving along and talking out a gay little fantasy about what their lives would be like if they were normal ("I’d teach 3rd grade and go fishin’ with Jason" YAWWWWWN) when Eric and Russell land smack dab in the middle of the road.
Before we learn what happens with them, we kick over to Arlene and the waitress getting ready for the ceremony. The Wiccan lays down a ring of salt and makes a decoction for Arlene to take (she also has a big-ass knife). This scene is weirdly long for something so trivial and boring. Arlene prays for a really long time and then finally drinks the tea.
Back to Jason and the shitty quarterback. He confronts the kid about the V. He’s like, "Coach gave it to me, mom and dad paid for it, principal takes it for sex. I’m gonn break all your records and go to college." Then he runs off with his hot, young girlfriend. Jason’s like, shit.
Over at Lafayette’s, he’s having some pretty bad dreams. He walks through his house and all of his voodoo art is speaking to him. I get weird dreams when I eat too much turkey. Just saying.
Finally we get back to Sookie and company. Eric and Russell are taking Sookie and Bill to Fangtasia. Eric whispers at Bill to hit him. The fight is an excuse to get some alone time while Russell goes into the bar so Eric can tell Bill his plan.
Sam and Tara are now alone in Merlotte’s having a pity party. This ends, of course, with them having sex. While they get down, Tommy takes the opportunity to break into Sam’s safe. He’s such a good brother.
Before anything interesting happens, we cut over to Arlene having a dream about fishing. She’s woken up by Terry because she’s bleeding profusely out of her baby maker. Arlene plays it cool and tells Terry to get the car. Poor Terry.
Jason comes back after unsuccessfully looking for Sookie. He tells Crystal that he loves her and wants her to stay. She’s glad but says they need to go to the meth camp to save her meth friends and meth family from her meth dad and meth brother/fiancé.
Over at Fangtasia, Russell’s yelling about fairies and how stupid this is. Sookie’s looking at Bill like, "How the fuck did Eric know about me?" The King says he’ll give it a go on one condition: Eric goes first. Eric readily agrees.
Back to Terry and Arlene, now in the hospital. Arlene’s comforting Terry over the baby when the doctor comes in and tells them that the baby’s just fine. Terry’s pumped. Arlene, not so much.
It’s time for The Sookie Test. Eric and Russell dig in and then Eric walks outside. It works. They watch Eric walk around on the monitors while Sookie’s passed out inside. As The King celebrates inside Eric starts smoking outside (literally, not like smoking a cigarette). Before The King notices this he joins Eric outside. Eric handcuffs himself to The King and tells him that they’ll die together. The episode ends.
When Brian isn’t busy yelling at his friends’ wives about Twilight, he writes about movies, TV, art, and other stuff on his site NOTZOMBIES, which has very little to do with zombies.