Previously on "True Blood," we found out that Sookie’s part fairy. We found out Crystal’s a werepanther. Jason promised to help Crystal save her crystal meth commune. Sam flashbacked on his life of crime and kicked Tommy out. Tommy broke into Sam’s safe. Arlene attempted a mystical abortion (unsuccessful). Lafayette got Jesus into V. Jess got back together with Hoyt, who let her feed off of him. And Eric tricked Russell into the sunlight, (potentially) sacrificing himself to kill The King. Onto the season finale of "True Blood."
More after the jump…
We start with Eric and Russell burning to death under the son. Eric sees Godric who begs Eric to forgive Russell and to give up hate. We all find peace in the afterlife, he tells Eric.
Sookie gains consciousness, argues with Bill, and then runs outside to help Eric. She struggles with the handcuffs for a bit before Russell goads her into using her powers to break them off. She does so, and then uses her powers to throw Russell across the parking lot and then she drags Eric inside. Why didn’t she just stake Russell instead? 2 birds, one stone. Once inside, Sookie has Bill tap a vein in her wrist so Eric can feed off her. What a slut.
We cut to Sam and Tara, hanging out in morning-after awkwardness. Tara watches that Church of Light asshole on TV while Sam cooks pancakes. After setting down the flapjacks Sam reveals to Tara that he’s a shape shifter.
Back to Fangtasia, where a rejuvenated (and I guess enlightened) Eric wants to rescue Russell, King Asshole. Before Bill and Eric can fight over it Sookie just grabs some silver chains and heads outside to get him herself.
Back to Sam’s trailer where Tara’s a little upset that Sam didn’t tell her this sooner (is she the only person in Bon Temps that didn’t know about Sam at this point?). She’s seen way too much freaky shit lately. They have a discussion about forgetting your past and staying on the move to constantly avoid it.
Again, back to Fangtasia, where Eric’s chaining Russell to the stripper pole. At this point, we’ve seen more people chained to that thing than we’ve seen strippers on it. Shame.
The plan is for Sookie to watch Russell while the others sleep. Bill wants to stay with Sookie but Sookie’s sick of vampires and tells him to coffin-up. She sounds pissed: "Go crawl back into your holes you creepy, cold freaks!"
Over at the sheriff’s station, the DEA is crawling all over the place, getting ready to raid Crystal’s commune. Andy lets it slip that the raid is happening today and Jason takes off to warn Crystal.
Tara leaves Sam’s and relives some bad memories as she crosses the parking lot. That is all.
Hoyt shows up (with fang wounds) to oversee the road crew and finds his mom and Summer sitting there waiting for him with the high school guidance counselor (therapist stand-in). It’s an anti-vampir intervention. He doesn’t even pretend to consider their ridiculous, stupid arguments. He wishes Summer the best and then goes to work while Summer and his mom cry like the idiots they are. What a stupid scene. They’re wasting time in the season finale with this crap?
At Merlotte’s, Sam finds Lafayette waiting to get to work. He has his hood up and is actin restless. As Sam gets his key out, Lafayette hallucinates that Sam has blood all over his hands and hears Sam say "Cross me and you’re a dead man." Lafayette says he had a rough night.
We cut back to Fangtasia, where Russell is bargaining with Sookie for his release. She pretends to consider it, but refuses to let him go. Then she pours Talbot’s gooey remains down the garbage disposal and laughs while Russell freaks out.
While this is going down, Jason and Crystal show up at the meth farm. They warn all the nice looking inbreds that the DEA is on the way. Crystal’s dad says it doesn’t change anything between him and Jason and Jason humorously replies, "Well, don’t you think it should?" As they start to get ready, Crystal’s ex shows up packing heat. He shoots one guy and when Crystal’s dad (I guess his dad too) calls him a pussy he shoots him in the face.
Sam is heading over to his rental properties and sees Terry sitting on his front stoop crying. Sam apologizes for saying some really mean shit the night before. It turns out Terry’s just having himself a good happy cry. Sam continues onto Tommy’s place. It’s been ransacked. Even the fridge has been emptied out. Sam thinks of something and runs off.
Back at the meth coop, Crystal’s brother/ex threatens to kill Jason if Crystal doesn’t get in Jason’s truck and leave with him. Crystal agrees to go and asks Jason to take care of the Hills Have Eyes people. She leaves and Jason introduces himself to his new, creepy friends.
We cut to Tara, who apparently wants to feel even worse about her life because she’s going to visit her mom. She walks in and finds her mom with their (married) reverend. Tara storms off while her mom chases her and makes excuses. Ultimately Tara wishes her luck and says goodbye. Again, this is the season finale?
Sam walks into Merlotte’s and people take one look and walk the other way. He goes to check on his safe only finds gouges in the floor where it was dragged out (oh weird, Tommy couldn’t crack the safe). He yells and everyone hears it. Arlene says she can’t handle another day of Sam’s shitty new attitude. As she’s saying this Lafayette is again hallucinating. He sees Rene with his hands wrapped around Arlene’s throat while she talks.
Lafayette yells at him and Arlene screams. Terry comes in and chastises Arlene for working in her condition. As Sam grabs a gun and leaves, Lafayette calls Jesus in a panic telling him all the shit he’s been seeing. Jesus says he’ll get there when he can.
Back at Fangtasia, a truck pulls up. Russell says it’s his wolves come to rescue him. Actually, it’s Alcide. Eric called and asked him to come help and in exchange he’d wipe Alcide’s debts clean. Sookie and Alcide talk cute while Russell moans and rolls his eyes in the background. Eric, Bill, and Pam wake up and drag Russell out to Alcide’s truck. Sookie heads home but first rescinds the invitation to her house for all the vampires in the room.
At the sheriff’s station, Andy’s staring at a vial of V and it looks like he’s about to sample it when the DEA busts in with Jason in handcuffs. No one was as the farm when they arrived except Jason and two dead bodies. The DEA guy leaves and Andy yells at Jason for fucking them both. Jason tells Andy that he thinks he did the right thing.
We cut back to Merlotte’s where Jesus shows up to comfort Lafayette. Jesus lets it spill that he learned magic when he was younger. Lafayette asks him what he is. Jesus says he’s a witch. Gay or not, I would definitely not refer to myself as a witch.
Sookie arrives home to find that Tara has cut her hair. Due to some bad editing it looks like Tara cut off her braids and instantly looked like this:
They have some dinner and Tara apologizes for being such a bitch. It’s always weird to see these two together, since they act like they were friends at some point but they never, ever spend more than 15 seconds together on the show. Tara leaves to go see Lafayette at Merlotte’s.
Eric and Bill are at a construction site, burying Russell alive in concrete. It turns out Eric heard what Godric was saying but took it to mean that Russell would find peace in the afterlife, which wasn’t really satisfying for Eric, so he wants him to suffer for as long as possible. Godric’s spirit shows up again to give Eric a guilt trip but it doesn’t work and he fades away. Bill extends his hand to Eric and as they shake he claps handcuffs on Eric and tosses him into another pit and proceeds to dump concrete on him. As the hole fills up he calls Eric’s assassin, Ruben, and pretends to be Eric. He orders Pam killed and then flies off. Total dick move.
We throw it over to Hoyt and Jess pulling up to a house. He has her blindfolded and leads her inside. It turns out he rented a house for the two of them. He promises to fix it up (it’s kind of a shithole) and then tells her that he wants to marry her someday. She says she loves him and they act all cuddly and lovey-dovey while ominous music plays and the camera pans to an old, dirty doll lying on the floor. Creepy.
Over at the gun store, Mama Hoyt is getting herself a rifle with a scope. Nice.
Cut to Bill knocking on Sookie’s door. He says they have to talk. He tells Sookie that Russell has bee taken care of and he killed Eric as well because he’s tasted Sookie’s blood. Bill says he’s going to kill anyone that’s tasted Sookie’s blood because she’ll never be safe with people like that around. He then professes his love and bleeds out the eyes and starts to leave. As he nears the front door Eric shows up, covered in chunks of concrete.
He asks Bill if he told Sookie that he was originally sent by the Queen to bring Sookie back. Bill admits it but says that he then protected Sookie from the Queen. So then Eric tells Sookie that the night she met Bill, Bill let the two V addicts beat her half to death just so she’d have to drink his blood to live. Bill tearfully admits that this is true, as well. Vampires are jerks. Sookie again rescinds her invitation and Bill gets sucked out of the house. Sookie tells them both to scram and Eric apologizes for having to tell her this before he speeds off.
Tara pulls up to Merlotte’s with her new ‘do, smiles a bit, and then keeps on driving. What the hell? Why did they waste time showing that?
Eric goes back to Fangtasia and finds Pam freshly out of the shower. She lets Eric know that Ruben tried to kill her so she had to take care of him.
Cut to Tommy walking down a dirt road when Sam’s Bronco comes flying into frame. He runs and Sam hops out and chases. Sam pulls a gun and fires into the air. Tommy drops his duffel bag and yells at Sam for fucking up his life. They argue for a bit before Tommy picks up the bag and walks off, telling Sam that he won’t shoot him. Sam aims his gun and fires. Tommy’s fate remains to be seen.
Over at Casa de Sookie, she’s sitting on the arm of her couch having a good cry before suddenly running off into the night.
At Bill’s house the Queen shows up. She’s dressed in all black to mourn the King. She asks Bill to bring her Sookie. Bill says he lied to her to get her there and that only one of them’s leaving the house. The Queen’s like, "Are you kidding, I’m twice as old as you." They jump into the air and limply fly at each other. Bill, why did you warn her? Why not just stake her when she’s not expecting it? I don’t get vampires.
Back to Sookie, who’s gone to visit her grandma in the cemetery. As she tells her grandma how alone she feels, the fairy from her coma dream shows up and asks her to come with them. Other fairies come out of the night and Sookie takes Head Fairy’s hand and they all disappear in a flash of yellow light. Season ends. Lame.
When Brian isn’t busy yelling at his friends’ wives about Twilight, he writes about movies, TV, art, and other stuff on his site NOTZOMBIES, which has very little to do with zombies.