‘True Blood’ Recap: Everything Is Broken S3E9

Monday, August 16 by

Previously on "True Blood," Sookie and Bill broke up. Crystal left her (possibly werewolf or shifter) meth dad and fiancé (two different people) for Jason. Sam took in his brother and kicked their mom and dad to the curb. Tara was having problems handling her recent Franklin trauma. Lafayette and Jesus got back together. The King tried to take Sookie forcibly (who was defended by Bill and Jess). Eric killed Talbot as retribution for The King killing his dad a thousand or so years ago. Sookie and Bill got back together. And now onto this week’s episode…

More after the jump…

We start with Eric flying into Fangtasia and telling Pam they need sanctuary. She suggests a human house. Before they can even pick somewhere they find out that the "V Feds" are there. Eric goes out to play it cool and deny any wrong-doing but the head V Fed chick doesn’t buy it and orders him "silvered" which is just pushing a block of silver into your skin. Kind of lame. Also lame? The bad sci fi outfits the V Fed troopers wear.

After the opening credits we go to The King coming home looking for Talbot. He goes into the study and sees Talbot’s gut-pile. He then proceeds to get down on his hands and knees and go "Talbot! TALBOT! TALBOT!" and start gathering all of Talbot’s guts up. I almost hurled.

He pauses halfway through to notice that Eric’s dad’s crown is missing from his antiques collection. This dude does love his collectibles.

We throw it over to Snookie, who’s dancing with J Woww while Pauly D and The Situation are creeping on a couple grenades–oh shit, sorry, wrong show.

We throw it over to Sookie in the shower washing the wolf blood off her face and the blood streaming out of her neck from where Bill bit her during vampire sex. Talk about an unhealthy relationship.

Bill creepily reaches around the shower curtain and grabs her neck and then gets in with her. He uses his fang to prick his finger and then rubs his blood on Sookie’s gaping neck wound, healing it. Still seems sickly abusive to me. The two head downstairs and there’s still a corpse of a werewolf on the floor. Oops. They’re very blasé about it. As they wrap up the body, Sookie asks Bill about the file he has on her. Bill says that he only did it to figure out why Eric’s so interested in her. Sookie says it’s creepy and then asks to be treated like a normal girlfriend. Uh…

Over at Lafayette’s house, Lafayette tells Jesus that he normally kicks dudes out after sex but Jesus can stay. Then he goes down on him.

Cut (thankfully) to Jason coming home to find Crystal and her ex-fiancé yelling at each other. Crystal is lying and telling him that Jason kidnapped her. Jason busts in with his shotgun and explains to the dude how Crystal came to him. Her fiancé starts yelling at her again about having to beat her some more. Crystal then tells her fiancé that Jason raped her and he proceeds to knock the gun out of Jason’s hand and start choking him. Crystal grabs the gun and knocks her fiancé out. This chick is not stable. She says they need to tie him up before he wakes up, but when Jason offers to get his handcuffs, Crystal says that he can get out of handcuffs and they need rope. He can get out of handcuffs but not rope? Huh? Even if he’s a shifter, how’s one different than the other? When Jason leaves the room, Crystal goes through her fiancé’s pocket and pulls out what I think is a baggie full of vials of V.

Back to Fangtasia. The V Fed has completed her sweep of the basement and it’s been cleaned (suspiciously). She alludes to The Magister having been killed and then tells Eric that she just needs his official statement. She gets out not one, but two webcams (I guess even the vampires are switching to 3D) and video conferences Eric straight to The Authority.

We cut to Tara and Sam hanging out and drinking coffee. Their discussion of Tara possibly seeing a shrink is interrupted by Terry calling from Arlene’s place because of the crazy sex/murder sounds coming from Tommy’s place. Sam leaves to check on it while Tara gets on her computer (while crying of course) to Google the side effects of HGH and testosterone injections.

Once again we go back to Fangtasia and Eric’s telling The Authority about Russel and how he uses werewolves and how he’s been tracking him for hundreds of years. He’s spilling the beans on Russesl and his anti-Authority plans, including his murder of The Magister. He even tells them how Russell murdered his family.

The Authority puts Eric and Pam on lock-down until they can decide if he’s full of shit or not.

As Eric and Pam cool their heels, Sam finally arrives at Tommy’s place to tell him to shut the f*ck up. He’s partying with a nice blond girl from the bar. Tommy turns down the music and puts some pants on, but he’s free-balling and doesn’t zip them up, so it’s still kind of nauseating.

Tommy gives Sam a bunch of lip and then agrees to be more quiet and Sam leaves, super annoyed and bummed that his brother acts like a 12-year-old.

Meanwhile, Crystal’s tying her fiancé up (with rope of course). Jason makes an anonymous call to the police to tell them that he found a guy tied up on the side of the road with V in his pocket. Great plan!

The next morning, Jesus takes Lafayette’s mom back to the hospital but not before her and Lafayette have a nice little moment together where she sees how happy he is with Jesus. "I’ll be damned. Maybe God loves fags." Awwww.

Jason arrives for work at the sheriff’s station with Crystal in tow and learns that the officer that responded to his call about Crystal’s fiancé being tied up was jumped and beaten almost to death. The meth dealer that Jason was pumping for information before is marched through on the way to his arraignment and he recognizes Crystal but doesn’t say anything. Jason talks to Andy and tells him that he thinks the V the guy had on him might be connected to the meth lab they busted a few night’s back. They discuss it and then Jason leaves. Andy opens his drawer and pulls out the bag of V they got off Crystal’s fiancé (it was supposedly in evidence lock up) and stares at it. Is Andy hooked on V now? Or just thinking about taking down the meth/V lab?

We cut over to Tara showing up at a support group for rape victims. The new waitress from Merlotte’s (I think that’s who it is) recognizes her and is really nice as she invites her in to join the group.

While Tara cries and undoubtedly relives her hellish vampire memories, Sookie sits in a nice sunlit room and looks through her gran’s scrap book. She’s interrupted by a call from her cousin Hadley, who asks her to come to the aquarium to meet someone. Sookie goes down there immediately. Hadley has her son with her. She tells Sookie how she told The Queen all about her powers and wants Sookie to leave Bon Temps, and also wants Sookie to find out if her son has telepathy like Sookie. He does. This scares the shit out of Hadley.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene accuses Tommy of stealing tips before she can pick them up. He reacts like the little asshole he is and when Arlene says she’s going to ask for a raise he says, "For what? Service that fuckin’ sucks?" Arlene gasps and storms off. Sam’s there for all of it but does hardly anything (as usual). Tommy’s like, “Is there anyone you don’t let walk all over you?” The chick from the support group comes in to cheer Arlene up and offer some encouraging advice. This chick is way too nice. I bet she eats people’s hearts in the middle of the night. Arlene tells her the truth about her baby being Rene’s. And then admits that she doesn’t want it. When Arlene says she think abortion is wrong, new girl says "you ain’t no time bomb. There’s other ways to resolve it." What’s that mean?

Over at Bill’s house he’s dreaming about hanging out in the sun at the same pond Sookie saw in her gay coma dream. He sees the girl that helped Sookie. She goes, "It’s impossible! You killed her!" and then runs. Bill runs her down but when he pops his fangs she uses the Sookie hand-light power to throw him back. She tells Bill to stay away and that "they" are protecting her. Bill pleads with her to tell Sookie what she is so she can protect herself.

Meanwhile, Pam wakes up and gets out of her temporary coffin (provided by The Authority) to find Eric sitting at his desk. Although they don’t mention it, Eric is once again bleeding from the ears and nose. He’s wiping it on a bloody rag. Why don’t they bring up what this is? Is no one curious? Eric tells Pam that if he has to go down for The Magister’s death then Pam should create a new vampire, that she’s ready to become a maker. I think this is like the vampire equivalent of a dad giving his son a big "your a man now" speech before he sends him off to college.

Back at Merlotte’s, Hoyt’s out on a date with Summer (despite the fact that she likes antiquing and dolls and is about 4’10"). He introduces her to Jess, which doesn’t go well, despite Jess saying she’s fine with it. Over at another booth, Crystal’s telling Jason how she’s worried about the dealer that saw her at the sheriff’s station. Jason’s like, "Don’t worry, we’re busting their entire camp" and Crystal becomes all agitated because of the families that live there that aren’t total girlfriend-beating assholes. And at yet another booth, Jesus is being personally served by Lafayette (not in the dancing sense, in the waiter sense). Tara sees this, asks Lafayette about Jesus, and she’s happy for Lafayette.

Jess goes back to Hoyt’s table when Summer goes to use the restroom and he admits that he hates Summer and that he’s only dating her to keep his mind off of Jess. Jess burst into blood tears and runs off.

Over at Fangtasia, The Authority is showing up in force. I cannot take these V Fed guys seriously. They look so fucking terrible. It’s like something out of a made-for-TV movie on SyFy.

The King watches from the rooftops nearby. He has Talbot’s guts in a jar and is talking to them.

I think he might be losing his shit. He flies off before even seeing what’s going on. The head V Fed chick comes in with an official letter from The Authority saying that they are disavowing all knowledge of The Magister and Eric’s involvement. Unofficially they want Eric to kill The King. Awesome.

Back at Merlotte’s, Crystal’s dad comes in looking for Crystal. Sam stops him and he calls Sam a pussy. This is not good timing. Sam’s pretty much had it. He breaks a coffee pot over his head and then punches his face in repeatedly until the dude’s almost dead.

Jesus and Lafayette load him into the car and take him to the hospital. Despite Jason’s protests, Crystal goes with him. Tara’s outside in the parking lot after helping out when she’s grabbed by Franklin (he’s alive!). Franklin is really upset that Tara didn’t mourn at all for him. He’s even more upset over this than the fact that she murdered him. She tries to goad him into killing her and yells at him until he starts choking her. Jason shows up with his shotgun. Franklin’s like, you realize I’m a vampire and you can’t hurt me, right? Jason proceeds to shoot him square in the chest and Franklin turns into a geyser of blood.

Turns out Jason was rolling with wooden bullets in his gun. Boo-yah. Tara is covered in blood and once again Tara-fied.

Over at Sookie’s house, Bill shows up and tells Sookie that he knows what she is. But before we can find out, we cut to the head V Fed chick and she’s going over a speech. While she waits on hold we see that she has a human with her and it’s probably the hottest chick they’ve ever had on the show.

She pops her fangs and feeds on her while we see the news. The anchor is talking about the Vampire Rights Amendment when The King shows up and rips part of his spine out.

The King proceeds to give a speech about how vampires are immortal and don’t need equal rights because vampires and humans aren’t equal. Then he drops the best line of the night right before the episode ends: "WE WILL EAT YOU… after we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?"

When Brian isn’t busy yellng at his friends’ wives about Twilight, he writes about movies, TV, art, and other stuff on his site NOTZOMBIES, which has very little to do with zombies.

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