‘True Blood’ Recap: 9 Crimes S3E4

Monday, July 12 by

Two weeks ago on "True Blood": Another body showed up, head missing. Sookie went to a werewolf bar with a cool werewolf (Alcide). Bill agreed to help the King of Mississippi screw over the Queen of Louisiana. Sam’s redneck family got plastered on chick drinks at his bar. Jason contemplated a career in law enforcement. Tara f*cked the mysterious new vampire in town (Frank). Frank blackmailed Jess. Sam’s brother tried to rob him. Bill mutilated Lorena’s body while he fucked her in some weird-ass kinky vampire sex.

This week starts with Sookie cleaning Alcide’s wounds. He whines. She flirts. Bill calls. He’s like, "Sookah, I can no longah handle the gap in your teeth. We’re through." Lorena is smirking in the background, so unfortunately she survived Bill’s hate f*ck.

MORE AFTER THE JUMP…

Sookie snuggles with (a tan, ripped, shirtless) Alcide and she goes, "ohmahgod, you’re so warm." This show is turning into Twilight. Not that I know there’s a scene in the new Twilight movie where Bella snuggles with a warm Jacob while Edward watches jealously. It would be totally gay to know that.

While Sookie and Alcide act out their favorite scenes from Eclipse and argue over who Bella should REALLY be with (OMG wouldn’t it be totes funny if Alcide was on Team Edward?) Sam runs around the forest yelling at Tommy for taking a huge eagle shit in his office. He then spots their family van sitting in his parking lot and yells at them a bit. Turns out they got evicted. Imagine that.

Over at Sookie’s house, Tara is getting interrogated by Frank, vampire-style (unfortunately it’s totally non-violent). She’s telling him everything she knows, which apparently isn’t anything important (it isn’t like Tara and Sookie ever talk or hang out). Franklin does this almost-Terminator like thing ("What’s wrong with Wolfie?" "Wolfie’s just fiiine. WHERE ARE YOU?") and talks through Tara to Sookie. It doesn’t really work, Tara tries to run, and then Franklin sinks his hefty fangs into her throat.

Meanwhile, Bill’s lying on the bed acting like a huge bitch while Lorena gloats. She gets halfway through a little speech about how Bill and her will be together again before Bill punches her square in the face and she goes flying back about 30 feet, out of the room and Bill locks her out. This episode should end with a PSA about domestic abuse.

Eric senses Sookie’ break up and immediately flies (literally) to Sookie’s side. Sookie "smells" Eric’s memories and he gets a total boner for her super powers. Then she shoves him on the bed and rips her robe off and hops on, bUT it turns out Eric was just fantasizing while watching a hot stripper. We still get this picture:

Sookie (in real life) tells Alcide that she still plans on finding Bill and he’s like "you’re an idiot" and I agree.

Lafayette calls Tara but she can’t answer because she’s too busy being gagged and tied to a toilet.

Back to Sookie. Turns out she called Alcide’s hot-ass sister who apparently specializes in whore makeup and fake tats so Sookie can infiltrate a werewolf engagement party. I hope werewolf engagement parties involve strippers. Sookie reads her mind while she picks out a good tramp stamp.

At Merlotte’s, they’re having a retirement party for Sheriff Bud (that was fast) and they announce that Andy will be the new sheriff. That’s nice.

Back to Sookie. She’s totally done up for the Harley rally at Sturgis:

Alcide’s like "damn you clean up nice." Sookie tells Alcide what she “heard” in his sister’s thoughts—about Alcide’s ex being addicted to V and that’s why she’s marrying the dick werewolf. Alcide decides to go the party after all.

While this is going on, Bill’s enjoying a smoke with the King. After the King agrees to let Bill kill Lorena, Bill tells him how the Queen of Louisiana is selling V through Eric. What a narc.

We head over to the budding relationship between Frank and Tara. He romantically duct tapes some flowers into her hands. Hopefully soon he’ll be gluing a ring on that finger!

Back to Merlotte’s, Sam’s hiring Jess because Arlene asked him to get more help and then she starts bitching about him hiring Jess. It’s about as annoying as that sentence is confusing. And then the cook’s like, "your shit-kicker family’s still parked in our beautiful swampy parking lot." And Sam’s like, "FML." New hostess Jess gets recognized by an old friend from bible study. He’s like "your parents are gonna be so happy!" and she’s like, "FML." Then she uses her vampire wiles to erase his memory. Hoyt sees from a distance and thinks she’s flirting. The hurt-puppy-Hoyt subplot is getting old.

As the Merlotte’s staff deals with their shit, Lafayette tries to sell V to a dealer (your standard B2B transaction) but ends up getting jumped. In the midst of his ass-beating Eric shows up and uses some strong-arm negotiating tactics to close the deal. As he and Lafayett drive away, Eric gets a phone call that Fangtasia is being raided by the Magister. They find the V which is really, really bad.

Back to Merlotte’s again (Jesus, this show jumps around a lot), Jason blackmails Andy into making him a cop and Sam tells his family that he’ll give them a place to live if they quit stealing shit and drinking purple nipples and sex on the beach. They agree.

Frank brings Tara to the King’s house. That’s all.

Eric deals with the Magister by telling him that Bill’s behind the V selling and that he must have framed him. Bill and Eric aren’t going to be BFFs after all this. The Magister gives him two days to collect evidence and prove it or Pam gets it.

Meanwhile, Sookie and Alcide are at the engagement party and Sookie is forced to take real shots (not that girly shit Sam’s family drinks) lest her cover be blown (don’t worry, she’s totally convincing as a biker chick—“No thanks! Oh wait, I mean, HELL YES!”). Alcide confronts his ex and I’m surprised that she isn’t very attractive (Debbie Gibson hair). I’m not surprised that she’s biker trash. She tells Alcide that she’s with THIS pack now and that he should stay and watch so he realizes that. Then they hoist her up and rip her clothes off while she body surfs the crowd. It’s not a stripper, but it’s pretty close.

The King is out in his limo with Bill and Lorena. He sends Bill into a strip club to bring back some ethnic food. Then he leaves Lorena alone to attend some business. Because the producers have robbed us of a stripper at the engagement party, they give us a nice long shot of the strip club Bill goes into.

The business the King needed to attend to was a guest appearance at the engagement party where he taps his wrist to give the pack his blood while they all bow to him and then brand Alcide’s ex. Then they all turn into wolves (including an out-of-control Alcide) and Sookie runs like hell. Bill picks up on her danger but he eats stripper take-out with the King and Lorena instead. The episode ends as blood pours out of the limo. Vampires are jerks.

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