The Weather Channel Will Be Naming Storms Now, And There’s Nothing Any Of Us Can Do About

Tuesday, October 2 by
BUT WILL THEY STILL PLAY ADULT CONTEMPORARY JAZZ? 

Did you know that you have been subjected to the tyrannical whims of the National Weather Service when it came to naming the tropical and summer storms? Well you have. But now, The Weather Channel has seemingly taken it upon itself to name all the winter storms that are coming our way.

And to pull from their website, “if y’all don’t like it, y’all can go ahead and fuck yourselves.”

Ok. Their website doesn’t say anything like that, but it’s still a pretty cavalier move. Perhaps it’s the latest in their new COO‘s platform.

Hat tip to the A.V. Club, who brought this pressing story to our attention, and constructed a list of the names that is much easier to cut and paste than the one on The Weather Channel’s site.

..and here’s that list:

- Athena: The Greek goddess of wisdom, courage, inspirations, justice, mathematics and all things wonderful.
- Brutus: Roman Senator and best known assassin of Julius Caesar.
- Caesar: Title used by Roman and Byzantine emperors
- Draco: The first legislator of Athens in Ancient Greece.
- Euclid: A mathematician in Ancient Greece, the father of geometry.
- Freyr: A Norse god associated with fair weather, among other things.
- Gandolf: A character in a 1896 fantasy novel in a pseudo-medieval countryside.
- Helen: In Greek mythology, Helen of Troy was the daughter of Zeus.
- Iago: Enemy of Othello in Shakespeare’s play, Othello.
- Jove: The English name for Jupiter, the Roman god of light and sky.
- Khan:
 Mongolian conqueror and emperor of the Mongol empire.
- Luna:
 The divine embodiment of the moon in Roman mythology.
- Magnus:
 The Father of Europe, Charlemagne the Great, in Latin: Carolus Magnus.
- Nemo:
 A Greek boy’s name meaning “from the valley,” means “nobody” in Latin.
- Orko:
 The thunder god in Basque mythology.
- Plato:
 Greek philosopher and mathematician, who was named by his wrestling coach.
- Q:
 The Broadway Express subway line in New York City.
- Rocky:
 A single mountain in the Rockies.
- Saturn:
 Roman god of time, also the namesake of the planet Saturn in our solar system.
- Triton:
 In Greek mythology, the messenger of the deep sea, son of Poseidon.
- Ukko:
 In Finnish mythology, the god of the sky and weather.
- Virgil:
 One of ancient Rome’s greatest poets.
- Walda:
 Name from Old German meaning “ruler.”
- Xerxes:
 The fourth king of the Persian Achaemenid Empire, Xerxes the Great.
- Yogi:
 People who do yoga.
- Zeus:
 In Greek mythology, the supreme ruler of Mount Olympus and the gods who lived there.

The prospect of naming naming a storm “Xerxes” already makes me yearn for the days of Snow-Mania! and the other asinine names that the local news would bestow on a snow flurry.

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