The Craziest Charlie Sheen Quotes So Far

Monday, February 28 by

Unless you just escaped from North Korea, you probably know that actor Charlie Sheen (a.k.a. an F-18 Vatican Assassin Warlock with Adonis DNA and Tiger’s Blood) has been giving all sorts of bat-shit insane interviews to anyone who will listen. From the morning talk shows, to “TMZ,” to E! Online, “Good-Time Charlie” has been regaling the common man with tales of his wondrous lifestyle, while at the same time, delivering violent warnings to his enemies.

Now, you could spend hours sifting through these interviews looking for the magic. But why do that when we’ve compiled the best quotes for you? Enjoy them while you can, cause from the sound of it, Charlie might not be around that much longer.

On drugs…

I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“I did that because they work … change the way you see things and change the way you feel. And yeah, when you’re a little bit bored with the redundancy of certain aspects of your life, yeah, I think that’s why people do them.”

On his job…

“I don’t have a job. I’ve got a whole family to support and love. People a lot more important than me are relying on that money to fuel the magic.”

On beating addiction…

“I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction … the fiction of AA. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool.”

On his own in-home rehab

“Well, we couldn’t really call it rehab because we didn’t have a license to operate one, so it was a crisis management center that we labeled the Sober Valley Lodge. … its primary client achieved radical success.”

On talking about his behavior with his children…

“Talk about an education. And then, like, this, and then that’s the guy, and that’s our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth? Wow, winning!”

On being special…

“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”

On winning…

“Duh, winning! It’s, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”

On what people think…

“If people think I’m insane or they don’t think that what I’m saying is true, I have no interest in their retarded opinions. I’m gonna live my life the way I want, I’m gonna win inside every moment, and they can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show.”

On being tired…

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

On life…

“I have a grandiose life. Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it this way.”

On riding the school bus…

“When I was 7 years old, I woke up on the school bus behind the last seat. The bus had been driven downtown somewhere I had never seen before parked where they park buses. I was 7 and had to find my way home. That was pretty gnarly. I woke up and went, ‘This ain’t Malibu.’”

On his dad, Martin Sheen

“He’s Captain Willard and that’s pretty bitchin’. Dude killed Brando. Come on.”

On criticism…

“These insults are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.”

On his kids…

“The babies live with me, they’re in the kitchen right now. They run around and they’re as fun as you can imagine. They say “Dada” and run into walls. And Dada is cool, but when they run into walls I say, ‘Don’t do that, that’s retarded.’”

On renting a 250K house for porn stars…

CS: “There were reasons. There were good reasons.”

TMZ: “A porn family?”

CS: “It’s not a porn family.”

TMZ: “You wanted to move a bunch of hot porn stars into a house down the street.”

CS: “It was a temporary plan that fell apart. Big deal. Ya know. You gotta have a plan. Some of them work, some of them don’t. It’s how you learn.”

Amen, Charlie. Amen.

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COMMENTS

  1. February 28, 2011 3:47 pm

    Anonymous

    I love that this is happening.


  2. February 28, 2011 3:47 pm

    Anonymous

    a celebrity buys a house for porn stars down the street – there’s probably a sitcom in there somewhere.


  3. February 28, 2011 3:47 pm

    ComicBookGirl

    Some people shouldn’t be allowed out the house sober. Get him back on the drugs and alcohol.


  4. February 28, 2011 3:47 pm

    Neb Ffiltar

    Charlie Sheen is sounding a lot like Brian Wilson from the SF Giants. Im waiting for the machine to come out in one of his videos


  5. February 28, 2011 3:47 pm

    Marie

    I’d like to think his “mind” disintegrated, but it’s just a hoax, like Phoenix’s bearded rap.


  6. February 28, 2011 3:47 pm

    Steve Gyetko

    It’s sad to see such a fine talent wasted in a haze of drugs, booze and self-agrandisement. But, that’s what you get when you enable. Just like College Football and Basketball enable and reward boorish neanderthal behavior from players and later on the major leagues do the same, Warner Bros. and CBS did the same with Charlie Sheen. They only wake up when he became a serious threat to their bottom line. Then, they act. Not before. As long as he was making money for them ‘the sky’s the limit’. After the ‘tipping point’, GAME OVER!

    It’s sad, that’s all, and, the fact that it’s about as rare as dirt, is somehow sadder still.


  7. February 28, 2011 3:47 pm

    Steve Gyetko

    It’s sad to see such a fine talent wasted in a haze of drugs, booze and self-agrandisement. But, that’s what you get when you enable. Just like College Football and Basketball enable and reward boorish neanderthal behavior from players and later on the major leagues do the same, Warner Bros. and CBS did the same with Charlie Sheen. They only wake up when he became a serious threat to their bottom line. Then, they act. Not before. As long as he was making money for them ‘the sky’s the limit’. After the ‘tipping point’, GAME OVER!

    It’s sad, that’s all, and, the fact that it’s about as rare as dirt, is somehow sadder still.


  8. February 28, 2011 3:47 pm

    Steve Gyetko

    Yeah, call it “Charlie’s Girls”. Just like Charlie’s Angels. Only these are hot chicks. And, it would be easy for Charlie Sheen. Just like in “Charlie’s Angels”, you never see Charlie. He’s just a voice on the speaker phone. Hell, you could get a guy who can do a good Charlie Sheen impression for dirt cheap and save yourself a lot of money on talent. Hell, if I could do a good “Charlie”, I’d apply myself. I’d consider myself damn lucky to make 1/100th of the money that booze/drug addled fool was making…


  9. February 28, 2011 3:47 pm

    Panther2

    Charlie Sheen the has-been . A pitiful example of the logic of a drug addict………………………………………..LOSER…..