Unless you just escaped from North Korea, you probably know that actor Charlie Sheen (a.k.a. an F-18 Vatican Assassin Warlock with Adonis DNA and Tiger’s Blood) has been giving all sorts of bat-shit insane interviews to anyone who will listen. From the morning talk shows, to “TMZ,” to E! Online, “Good-Time Charlie” has been regaling the common man with tales of his wondrous lifestyle, while at the same time, delivering violent warnings to his enemies.
Now, you could spend hours sifting through these interviews looking for the magic. But why do that when we’ve compiled the best quotes for you? Enjoy them while you can, cause from the sound of it, Charlie might not be around that much longer.
“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
“I did that because they work … change the way you see things and change the way you feel. And yeah, when you’re a little bit bored with the redundancy of certain aspects of your life, yeah, I think that’s why people do them.”
“I don’t have a job. I’ve got a whole family to support and love. People a lot more important than me are relying on that money to fuel the magic.”
“I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction … the fiction of AA. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool.”
“Well, we couldn’t really call it rehab because we didn’t have a license to operate one, so it was a crisis management center that we labeled the Sober Valley Lodge. … its primary client achieved radical success.”
“Talk about an education. And then, like, this, and then that’s the guy, and that’s our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth? Wow, winning!”
“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”
“Duh, winning! It’s, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”
“If people think I’m insane or they don’t think that what I’m saying is true, I have no interest in their retarded opinions. I’m gonna live my life the way I want, I’m gonna win inside every moment, and they can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show.”
“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”
“I have a grandiose life. Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it this way.”
“When I was 7 years old, I woke up on the school bus behind the last seat. The bus had been driven downtown somewhere I had never seen before parked where they park buses. I was 7 and had to find my way home. That was pretty gnarly. I woke up and went, ‘This ain’t Malibu.’”
“He’s Captain Willard and that’s pretty bitchin’. Dude killed Brando. Come on.”
“These insults are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.”
“The babies live with me, they’re in the kitchen right now. They run around and they’re as fun as you can imagine. They say “Dada” and run into walls. And Dada is cool, but when they run into walls I say, ‘Don’t do that, that’s retarded.'”
CS: “There were reasons. There were good reasons.”
TMZ: “A porn family?”
CS: “It’s not a porn family.”
TMZ: “You wanted to move a bunch of hot porn stars into a house down the street.”
CS: “It was a temporary plan that fell apart. Big deal. Ya know. You gotta have a plan. Some of them work, some of them don’t. It’s how you learn.”
Amen, Charlie. Amen.