Over the next few weeks I'll be breaking down the new fall TV shows, telling you what to watch and what to skip altogether. It's your choice if you want to listen to me, but before you make a decision, you should know that I own several television sets, so I'm somewhat of an expert on this subject.
Today we tackle the lawyer shows. Attorneys and law-types have long been fascinating subject matter for TV, from your grandparents’ love of “Perry Mason” to your ex-girlfriend’s obsession with “Ally McBeal.” Well now a new cycle of law shows are hitting the small screen this fall. And as is usually the dillio, some are worthy of your dedication, while others make jury duty seem more appealing.
WATCH IT: “The Defenders” (CBS), Wednesdays at 10pm (ET)
Brad Pitt is an old man for real this time. According to producers of CBS's "Survivor" that is. The show is taking an ageist position by pitting the 20 castmembers of "Survivor: Nicaragua" into two tribes: young and old. The old tribe will be made up of people 40 and over, while the young tribe will consist of those 30 and younger. Not sure what they plan to do with those between the ages of 30 and 40. Will they exterminate them a la Logan's Run? If so, I've gotta get my middle-aged ass the f*ck out of Nicaragua!! (Deadline)
A new trailer for season three of "Sons Of Anarchy" looks as bad ass as one would expect. Jax seems a bit down after the events of last year, but that's nothing gunfights, fistfights, and burying a guy in the sand up to his neck and then running his face over can't fix. It's the simple things in life that bring us the most joy. Let the healing begin.
Get revved up by the new trailer after the jump…
Comedian/actor Nick Swardson has a new show coming to Comedy Central in October called "Nick Swardson's Pretend Time." I was invited to visit the set a few months ago, and will share some of that footage with you once it gets closer to the premiere date. I know you guys are savages though, so in the meantime, here's a clip about a disabled cat in a wheelchair. His name is Mr. Stitches the Trust Fund Kitty and he rolls around with b*tches and blow just like Stephen Hawking.
I'm officially sold on this show. I've loved Nick Swardson's particular brand of humor ever since I caught his early stand-up special way back when. In my book, any man who mixes drugs, boobs, and felines without feeling below the waste deserves a shot. It's a weird book I keep. (WarmingGlow)
Check out the clip after the jump…
Previously on "True Blood," Jason hooked up with mysterious newcomer Crystal. Lafayette got a new boyfriend/stalker, Jesus. Franklin proposed to Tara. Eric found out that the King killed his Viking dad a thousand years ago or so. Sam and Tommy bonded, much to the chagrin of their white trash dad. Bill went to Sookie to tell her to leave, the King and Cooter followed and Sookie used her Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on Cooter's face. And now onto "True Blood" episode 3.6, “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues.”
Apparently the hand trick can only be done once because the King drags Sookie and Bill back to his pad. Bill waits until they're safely back in the King's house before he stakes the King's bodyguard who turns into a pile of strawberry preserves.
More after the jump…
Chandra West has been the forgetten strong hold of TV hotness either when she is playing doctor on "NYPD Blue" or on the short lived HBO series "John From Cincinnati." She lends her blonde vixen stare to this summer's ABC series "The Gates," where she plays a suburban witch (a.k.a. b*tch?).
A word from Chandra: "I do like vampires. I don't know if it's the neck or feeding off people's blood, which doesn't sound too appeasing when you think of it."
Amazing. Another girl who likes vampires. Maybe you can my gf can gab about it over cosmos.
More pics of Chandra after the jump…
The CW released this poster of extremely attractive Asian actress Maggie Q for their new series "Nikita." Here, Q sits incorrectly in a chair while dressed like a Mortal Kombat character. Really, what is the practical use of those sleeves? To keep certain sections of the arm warm??
Anyway, we haven't seen any footage yet because Longshanks was too busy not getting into the Marvel panel at Comic-Con to see the "Nikita" panel, but the show has all the elements of a hit. Maggie Q, tight clothes, and girls fighting (probably in the rain). At any rate, I'll tune in just to get a better look at that tattoo. What is it? A flower or scorpion or something? We're really going to need a closer look at that ass, CW. (WarmingGlow)
Get a closer look at that ass after the jump…
We finally have a look at the fifth season of "Dexter" and it looks crazy. I don't want to spoil too much for those ignant enough to have not checked out the show yet, but I will say the fourth season finale left the series at an inspired crossroads. Here we have two looks at the new season that pick up exactly where season four left off with Dexter experiencing guilt for the first time in his life. No sign of Robocop or Julia Stiles in these promos, just a whole lot of gut-wrenching drama. On Sunday, September 26th at 9PM, I plan on shrink-wrapping myself to the couch as to not miss a single second of the highly-anticipated premiere on Showtime.
Get your first look after the jump…
Steven Seagal goes through more phases than Barbie. So far, we've seen Mafioso Seagal, Reggae Musician Seagal, Environmental Activist Seagal, Gangsta Seagal, Asian Seagal, Jimmy Buffet Seagal, and Southern Lawman Seagal. It looks like his Southern phase is going to extend just a bit longer, with the news that Seagal will topline the TV crime procedural "Southern Justice."
The inexplicable decision to have Seagal bring his Southern swagger (born in Michigan, raised in California) to the mean streets of Seattle may sound like groan-worthy television to you. To me, it sounds like the gilded voices of autotuned angels. Nobody sweats another culture like Seagal and the results are magnificient. I cannot wait for "CSI" Seagal. There's nothing bad that can come of this. Unless you're a female member of the crew. My advice is to pair up with a buddy on-set and never let them out of your sight. (Moviehole)
Beau Garrett is a model turned actress that made her splash with "Entourage" back in 2006. Since then she has been the sexy blonde shadow behind Olivia Wilde as they've teamed up together in Turistas, "House," and the upcoming Tron Legacy. She used her sexy talents, sans WIlde, on a recent episode of A&E's Floridia-based cop drama "The Glades."
A word from Beau: "I love being able to push myself and be in the jungle barefoot in a bikini, cold, wet, tired, and seeing how far I could go."
We'd never work. I'm too attached to air conditioning and feeling carpet between my toes.
More pics of Beau after the jump…
Movie poster master and Frank Darabont brosef, Drew Struzan whipped up this "The Walking Dead" poster for Comic-Con. Col. Hans had better come back with stacks of these, or not come back at all.
When you're done coveting, point your eyes at these links…
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Joakim Noah Goes Bong Shopping (TotalProSports)
Snoop Dogg Tries To Rent A Country (Smosh)
Lindsay Lohan Goes To Jail, The X-Rated Version (BroBible)
Taylor Lautner Is A Real Fancy Boy (CelebJihad)
James Toney Maybe In For A Rude Awakening (CagePotato)
Brits Fighting Brits, Rhona Mitra Rails Against BP(PopEater)
Dennis Hopper's Venice Beach Compound (MadeMan)
Holly Marie Combs was the sexy middle sister in the babe trio of "Charmed" for eight magical seasons. Trying to out-sexy Alyssa Milano would have required a spell of massive proportions. Holly has climbed the TV show charts over the years and now oozes MILF appeal on the new ABC Family series "Pretty Little Liars."
A word from Holly: "Your faith in yourself is all you will ever have. Don't let anyone take it away from you, ever."
I keep my faith in myself in a jar under my bed. No one will ever find it. No one..
More pics of Holly after the jump…
Copper Cab, you have been warned.
Zachary Adam Chesser, a Virginia man, has been arrested for threats he made against "South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Incensed over the show's depiction of the Prophet Mohammad in a bear costume, Chesser posted graphic images of slain Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh with the warning that Parker and Stone would end up dead as well. Muslims love themselves some Prophet Mohammad and many regard any depiction of the Prophet as offensive. For the extremists, that offense is punishable by death. You should see what they do when you break the rules of Fight Club.
Chesser was prevented from boarding a flight earlier this month from New York to Uganda. It was his intention to then travel on to Somalia where he would join the terrorist organization al Shabaab. Chesser became interested in Islam in 2008, but claims to not believe in or condone acts of terrorism or violence. Unless you consider posting death threats accompanied by mutilated corpses on the Internet as a show of support. That's a gray area. (Reuters)
Seth MacFarlane has stolen the Friars Club crown and sceptre from insult king Jeffrey Ross, as Comedy Central has chosen the "Family Guy" creator to head the Roast of David Hasselhoff. The evening, which is sure to not lack in fast food-centric material, will also feature Pamela Anderson, Whitney Cummings, Greg Giraldo, Lisa Lampanelli, (a scorned) Jeffrey Ross, Jerry Springer, and Hulk Hogan. Ah yes, the wild card. There's always one of them, like Bea Arthur at the Pam Anderson Roast or George Takai at the Shatner one. I just hope Hogan is writing his own material instead of using Lampenelli's toss-outs. The jokes about black guys wanting to f*ck him won't pack the same punch. (Movieline)
From the creators of the touching drama, George, comes a new thriller featuring the "Seinfeld" gang. In this superbly edited trailer for Serenity Now, a group of close friends deal with the aftermath of a murder most foul. It's astounding how a bombastic score makes the madness in Newman's eyes glint even brighter.
Check out the Serenity Now trailer after the jump…
Kimberly Fisher might be someone you've seen during your sleepless nights watching Showtime's after dark special "Hotel Erotica Cabo." This Alaskan native has made a good name for herself in the soft-core business, and is really moving up fast, having recently starred in "Entourage," as an uncredited 'Agent'.A word from Kimberly: "Going to school is my expensive hobby…other people play golf or collect stamps, I like to take classes."A lot of people manage to find the time to do all three of those things… More pics of school-enthusiast Kimberly after the jump…
MTV News went behind the scenes of AMC's "The Walking Dead," currently shooting in Atlanta, and snagged some awesome footage of a tank with zombies surrounding it. The show will be about more than that, but a tank with zombies surrounding it is always a good start. The author of the graphic novel, Robert Kirkman, and writer/executive producer/director of the pilot, Frank Darabont, give us some inside info on the zombie apocalypse series, the latter while wearing a Hawaiian shirt, of course. Needless to say, I'm amped for "The Walking Dead" to premiere in October. Since the leaves don't change color in L.A., it's all I have to look forward to.Check out the video after the jump…
Last week on "True Blood," Tara got abducted by Franklin and he brought her to the King of Mississippi. Sookie and Alcide went to a werewolf party where they found out the King is giving the asshole werewolves his blood. Bill joined the King, broke up with Sookie, and then ate a stripper with the King and his ex, Lorena. The Magister found Eric's V operation and Eric blamed it on Bill. Sam gave his family a place to live and his brother a job. Jason blackmailed Andy into making him a cop. That's basically the important stuff. This week I'm changing things up a bit so I don't have to constantly shift back-and-forth between plot lines. I'll do them in solid chunks, so realize that the recap that follows isn't necessarily the chronology of the episode. RECAP AFTER THE JUMP…
Missy Peregrym is one of those TV exclusive babes with her work ranging from "The Chris Issac Show," the underappreciated "Reaper," and now ABC's Canadian import "Rookie Blue." A Canadian native herself, like many recent friendly neighbors to the North actresses, she can be sexy but also kick your ass.A word from Missy: "Soccer can be incredibly aggressive, that’s one of the reasons I like it so much."You'd be surprised how intense a game of badminton can get. I've dirtied my knees on several occasions.More pics of Canuck Missy after the jump.
Tobias is joining Gob on the new Mitch Hurwitz-created sitcom, "Running Wilde." It's as close to an "Arrested Development" reunion as we're going to get for awhile, or maybe ever. According to TV Guide, David Cross will appear on the show's first seven episodes:'Wilde' centers on the budding relationship between Steve Wilde (Arnett), a spoiled and selfish man-child and son of an oil tycoon, and Emily Kabdubic (Keri Russell) an environmental activist and Steve's old high school flame. Cross will play Andy, Emily's fiancé, a radical environmentalist and Wilde's rival for Emily's affections. The comedian takes over the role from Andrew Daly, who played the part in the show's original pilot.Looks like we all now have a new sitcom to watch this fall. Only time will tell if it will be as genius as "Arrested," a tall order to say the least, or if it will even remain on air after its initial 13 episode order. "Running Wilde's" success depends solely on the people sitting in their recliners as the warm glow of Mark Harmon on "NCIS" softly lules them to sleep.Catch the premiere of "Running Wilde" Tuesday, September 21 at 9:30PM on FOX. (TVSquad)
Back to work, you rebel rousing scum.Yes, the Deepwater Horizon rig may finally be capped, but another oily disaster is now unfolding. The cast of Jersey Shore is threatening to strike.TMZ is reporting that cast members are so disappointed with their season 3 contracts that they are refusing to shoot, as they feel they can making more money "doing appearances" than filming the series.You know, back in the late 1800's, when a bunch of upstart "guidos" would try to unionize, the employer would hire some union busting thugs to go in and smash some heads. If MTV followed suit and made an example of The Situation by breaking his jaw in several places, I think the rest of the cast would fall in to line posthaste.
Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia Autotuned – Watch more Funny VideosBy far one of the best uses of autotune technology to date. FX always puts together some terrific promos for "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," often looking to viral videos for inspiration, whick often look to T-Pain for inspiration. Can we please get a full length version of autotuned "The Nightman" on iTunes as soon as possible?"Always Sunny" returns to FX Thursday, September 16 at 10PM. (HitFix)
"We can't live at a crowded water park, Waldo!"
You crazy for this one, Roger Corman! Sharktopus is a good film. An important film. It warns us of the dangers of creating the perfect killing machine and then being ignorant enough to think we can harness its awesome might. In a world of Mega-Pirahnas and Gateroids and Supercrocs and big-ass pythons, you'd think we'd learn that lesson by now. But obviously we have not, and Roger Corman and Syfy are here with the chilling reminder that if you mess with the shark-octopus hybrid monster, you get the spike-tipped tentacle. I don't know what amazes me more, the fact that the special effects look as good as they do, or the things that Eric Roberts will do for cocaine. I mean, money. For cocaine. WATCH THE TRAILER AFTER THE JUMP. TRUST ME, IT DOES NOT DISAPPOINT.
We all know Kiele Sanchez from the infamous third season of "LOST," and now we find her hot tanned body wadding through the Florida everglades in A&E's new cop drama "The Glades." While she mainly uses her luscious talents on the small screen, check out her physical prowess in the under appreached The Perfect Getaway, where she goes mano-a-mano with tough babe Milla Jovovich.A word from Kiele: "Don't look at me like that."Like what? More pics of Kiele's tan torso after the jump.
We've got a lot of picture news for you this morning so you don't have to process words. Here's a group snapshot of the cast from AMC's The Walking Dead. If that isn't a ragtag crew of zombie ass-kickers, than I don't know what is. The little boy looks confused, but maybe some zombie taped a clever sign to Rick Grimes's back. They're natural pranksters.Here's an image from The Walking Dead graphic novel:Looks similar, right? Zombies and people. What more do you want?! The cast pic comes from the invite to the Comic-Con The Walking Dead party that I failed to receive. I'm sure it's in the mail though. You know how the mail is sometimes… **Wipes single tear from clown-make-uped cheek** (io9)
"Community" is a hilarious show, and you should be watching more of it. Don't believe me? Then perhaps you'll listen to Mrs. Betty White. That's what NBC is hoping. White, a six-time Emmy winner and all around tough-as-nails bitch, will appear on the upcoming season premiere of the NBC comedy. She will play the character of June Bauer, described as "an esteemed, but slightly unhinged anthropology professor." The producers approached White because she is in the midst of a late-career renaissance fueled primarily by her popularity on the Internet. Other guest stars slated to appear include LOL Cats, Bacon, and Epic Beard Man. (HitFix)
Piper Perabo is back from the wet t-shirt bars of Coyote Ugly to give us the new CIA plot twister USA series, "Covert Affairs." The show looks like "Burn Notice" but with a chick as the main character and minus Bruce Campbell. The last time we saw Piper, she drowned in Hugh Jackman's tank in The Prestige. Here's hoping her new character is craftier.A word from Piper: "It takes a lot of guts to get up on top of a bar and dance."A lot of guts, indeed. Or a lot of alcohol. More pics of Piper's pouty lips after the jump…
CBS's high-octane rebirth of "Hawaii 5-0" is looking pretty okay. The action looks far superior to anything on "CSI," the humor doesn't seem nearly as forced (or delivered via a quirky goth) as on "NCIS," and the camera isn't sent on an unnecessary voyage through the bloodstream at all from what I can tell. I could do without Scott Caan's channeling of Michael Rapaport though, but beggars can't be choosers. Could this spell the end of the procedural? We won't know for sure until a year or two from now, when CBS decides whether they will greenlight "Hawaii 5-0: Arizona" or not. CHECK OUT THE EXTENDED TRAILER AFTER THE JUMP. THERE ARE EXPLODING HELICOPTERS….
Dexter Morgan is an unstoppable killing machine. And what better way to fight an unstoppable killing machine than with America's favorite insatiable law-and-order cyborg? No, not Vincent D'Onofrio.Peter Weller, the star of the classic 80's sci-fi film Robocop has joined the cast of "Dexter: Season 5." According to Dread Central, he will appear in eight episodes, and will play a "troubled" Miami Metro police officer, as if there's any other kind.While there's no mention of the character of Robocop, I'd be surprised if they didn't use him in some capacity. The show never came right out and said that John Lithgow was supposed to be the character of Dr. Dick Solomon from "3rd Rock from the Sun." But once he dropped the C-Bomb at Thanksgiving dinner, everyone knew it was him.