Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but reality show Oompa Loompa, Snooki has selected a suitor to share her bed. The Jersey Shore Hobbit stepped out recently with Emilio Antonio and he is the juicehead of her dreams. She seems genuinely smitten. Belted in the face by love, if you will."He's actually a body builder and works at the gym," she said. "I am really excited to like show the public who he is."And those hoping that their connection is merely intellectual and therefore vulnerable to temptation, I have worse news."He is freaking banging. We're the sexiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life so I am excited for everybody to see that."There you have it. Theirs is a love that will endure at least until Spring Break. Between this and the passing of Zelda Rubinstein, 2010 is shaping up to be a chaste year for pygmy-chasers. (NY Daily News)
Kiefer getting angsty at the Sears Portrait Studio.Today news broke that made the 2003 Me high-five the air and request a "what-what." Keifer Sutherland is closer to bringing his penchant for sh*tty days to the multiplex. Sutherland has reportedly convinced Fox to hire screenwriter Billy Ray (State of Play, Moon, the upcoming Source Code) to adapt 24 for theater audiences.Much like Agent Cody Banks, the Griswolds, and Deuce Bigalow before him, this adventure will take Jack to Europe. That's great news!! If Die Hard and Rocky IV have taught me anything it is that European villians are waayyyy harder to kill, so this could be a fun, over the top movie. Pens in the eye for everyone!!!The show's kinda sucking in the ratings right now and the current season is expected to be the last. So we'll have to wait and see if Jack Bauer has to save the Louvre from being blow'd up. (Variety)
Blog. Fap. Repeat.HBO is cranking it up to ten with a series about the exciting world of movie blogging. The show, entitled Cheetos For Lunch Tilda, is being developed with hopes of going to pilot by Bill Condon (Dreamgirls, Kinsey) and Cynthia Mort (Tell Me You Love Me). It focuses on a tough female entertainment journalist with a "no-holds-barred style." HBO seems like the perfect home for a project like this. There's no way you could get away with the requisite blogger-pantslessness on regular networks. Also, the Entourage crossovers seem like a given. Here's an excerpt:JOHNNY DRAMA: Oh no! My sex tape leaked and now all of Hollywood knows I have a small donger!TILDA: (adjusts camel toe) TOLDJA!Comparisons were drawn immediately to Deadline Hollywood's Nikki Finke. Yet she hasn't responded to this at all. Weird. I hope that she's okay. Somebody please drive by her place to make sure she's not concussed while I call all the morgues. (THR)
Epix – Samuel Kinisons Mowing the Lawn – Watch more Funny VideosSam Kinison's tantrums and red-faced, eye-bulging screamfests influenced a ton of stand-ups, including famous ranter Denis Leary. On Saturday February 6th, EPIX will be featuring Kinison Back From Hell. Comedians including Chris Rock, Kathy Griffin and Denis Leary gather to pay tribute to the man who turned rage into an art form. Filmed in part at Sam Kinison's familiar Los Angeles stomping ground The Comedy Store, this documentary weaves performance footage and interviews to offer some fresh perspective on a truly original voice in comedy. Bring your earplugs and your grievances to the living room with you. Right now, EPIX is offering invite codes to EpixHD.com from 2/4 through 2/7 that are good for four-days of access.
Kelly Brannigan is briefcase number 24 on that gameshow hosted by the germaphobe. She was also voted Biggest Flirt in high school. I guess that's what happens when you strut to class in your bra with a pitbull.A word from Kelly: "I'm briefcase number 24."I don't have documentation of Kelly actually saying the above, but I have to believe she's given that answer when someone asked her directions to the airport.After the jump see why it's unnecessary for Kelly to speak.
Arrested Development with a Laugh Track – Watch more Funny VideosIt's amazing to witness how canned laughter can rape and murder genuine laughter. Arrested Development is one of my favorite shows of all time, so watching the above clip stirs an anger deep inside of me usually reserved for fat, ugly people who think they're smokin' hot. Hey, shows that still use a laugh track. Stop leaning on your crutch and write better material! Hey, fat, ugly person. Your massive cleavage doesn't make you less ugly! (Gawker)Here are today's pretty links.Check Out Top Rated Super Bowl Commercials (Break)Flowchart to Determine What You Should On Super Bowl Sunday (HolyTaco) Anna Kournikova Makes a Fan Horny (TotalProSports) Deciding on the Worst Movie Ever (Moviefone) Miley Cyrus's Sister ISN'T Wearing Lingerie (FilmDrunk) UC 109 Participants Make Super Bowl Predictions (CagePotato) 7 Must Have Gadgets from 80s Movies and TV (Unreality) Plus Size Swingers Take Over Jamaica (Asylum) Hooters Girls Explain Football (Maxim) Lock Up Your Whores Tiger Woods Leaving Rehab (CelebJihad) 15 Most Memorable Closing Credit Songs (Pajiba) The Berry/Steve Agee Experiment (Atom) Super Bowl Snacks to Keep You Slim (MadeMan) Behold, Snack Food Stadium! (AllLeftTurns) My Girlfriend is Stinky Down Below, What Now? (RegretfulMorning)
NBC must rrrreeeaaaallllllyyyyyy love the legal process. Not only did they just pay out $44 million to Conan O'Brien, but they also were just sued for stealing the font used in their logo redesign. Now their cafeteria is caught with its racist pants down. Or up. I don't know how racists wear their pants.Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots drummer Questlove tweeted the above picture today along with the comment "Hmm, HR?"An NBC publicist replied, "The sign in the NBCU cafeteria has been removed. We apologize for anyone who was offended by it."This of course has rightfully drawn a lot of offense. Many black people were bewildered when they laid eyes upon the controversial menu. In fact, most were overheard exclaiming, "$7.50?!!" (THR)
Sarah Silverman is funny, cute, and doesn't mind if you fart in front of her. What more could you ask for from a lady?! Jimmy Kimmel not standing next to her. That's what I'd ask for. Sarah stars as herself in The Sarah Silverman Program tonight at 10:30PM EST on Comedy Central.A word from Sarah:"People are always introducing me as "Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne." I HATE that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm a slut!"Classic Silverman. …Slut.Check out more sluty pics of Sarah after the jump.
Sarah Silverman/Demetri Martin Promo – Watch more Funny VideosYou get Sarah Silverman and Demetri Martin together in a vast empty room with only one stick of furniture to sit on and they're bound to think of something funny. Or you'd think that, but the above promo proves otherwise. At least the footage of the comedians' new seasons got me smiling. Come on, Sarah, you couldn't have at least ripped a juicy one? You KNOW it would have echoed. Or did the suits at the network put the kibosh on that?New Episodes of Important Things with Demetri Martin and The Sarah Silverman Program premiere back-to-back tomorrow at 10/9c on Comedy Central.These links premiere right now.Gallery: Saints Girls vs. Colts Girls (HolyTaco) How to Ruin Your Buddy's Manhood (TotalProSports)Most Razzie-Nominated Stars of All Time (Moviefone)Hurt Locker is a Game Changer Now Too (FilmDrunk)Gambling Enabler: UFC 109 (CagePotato)If the Ninja Turtles Really WERE Artists (Unreality)Christina Hendricks is Good at Fashion (Asylum)Maxim's Hottest Hand Bras (Maxim)Jennifer Aniston Wants Brad Back SO Bad (CelebJihad)Drunken Shenanigans (Pajiba)Conservative Phone Sex vs. Talking with Friends (Atom)Your Personal Guide to Manscaping (MadeMan)Carl Edwards Gets Raaaaw (AllLeftTurns)
LOST: Answers Song – Watch more Funny VideosIn honor of LOST premiering tonight, here's a song created by Benny & Rafi Fine laying out all the mysteries the show hasn't answered yet. I watched it and I can't remember half the sh*t it brings up. I've wasted five years of my life on LOST, and I look forward to wasting one more. I demand an answer for the polar bears. That island is simply too hot for them!Get these links in before the brain-wrinkling begins.25 Drunks Passed Out On Benches (HolyTaco) Oscar Nominations Snubs and Surprises (Moviefone) The Rip Torn/Norman Mailer Brawl (FilmDrunk) King Mo Lawal May Do an Elephant Entrance (CagePotato) 5 TV Characters We Should Hate But Love (Unreality) 5 Shows That Lost it in Their Final Season (Asylum) 21 Awesome Butter Sculptures (Maxim) Demi Lovato Lesbian Bikini Vacation (CelebJihad) 20 Worst Oscar Nominations of the Last 20 Years (Pajiba) These Guys Write The Super Bowl (Atom) 14 Things Scaring Off the Ladies (MadeMan) Hitler Reacts to NASCAR Rule Changes (AllLeftTurns) My GF is Banging Another Guy. WTF? (RegretfulMorning)
"Yous is gonna have to bring up dis situation with mys attorneys."Another example of why the rest of the world hates America has been filed at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office today, and wouldn't you know it, it involves The Jersey Shore. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is so fond of his washboard abs that he's looking to get them trademarked. The application was filed by "The Situation's" older brother Marc "The Enabler" whose Las Vegas firm operates several porn websites. Of course that's what he does. OF COURSE.Another application has been filed by a man named Matthew Hunter who would like permission to stamp the moniker on t-shirts, underwear, track suits, and vagabond children. I'd like to just shout out a big thank you to all who are trying their damndest to proliferate stupidity. It's my only hope that Snooki jumps on the bandwagon and trademarks her amorphous bodytype. There has to be a pasta sauce company out there that's willing to take a chance on pint-sized guido. (SmokingGun)
This morning at 5:00 a.m. PST and 8:00 a.m. EST, actress Anne Hathaway arose from her hole and saw her shadow. As ruled by the laws of nature, this required her to announce the nominees for the 2010 Academy Awards.Avatar and The Hurt Locker lead the charge with nine nominations apiece. What are the chances that a divorced couple would be competing against one another for Hollywood's top prize? That just gave Nora Ephron an idea for a film. Someone get Julia Roberts and Philip Seymour Hoffman on the phone! Amanda Seyfried will play the daughter.Rounding out the super-sized category for Best Picture are: District 9, The Blind Side, A Serious Man, Inglourious Basterds, An Education, Precious, Up and Up in the Air.CHECK OUT THE FULL LIST OF NOMINEES AFTER THE JUMP
I don't think Spike TV is even trying anymore, you guys. In an obvious ploy to lure Juggalo viewers, they've announced that they have picked up the six-episode series Bloodied Midgets Half Pint Brawlers. The series, billed as Jackass meets Little People, Big World, (or sh*t meets fart, by me) documents a traveling band of little people as they hop from ring to ring beating the crap out of themselves. This is a wonderful opportunity for advertisers. I don't want to tell them how to run their business, but the makers of size XS Zoo York t-shirts had best strike while the iron's hot. (THR)
How Michael Ian Black Makes a Childrens Book – Watch more Funny VideosThe relationship between author and illustrator can be a volatile one, especially when Michael Ian Black is the author and he thinks your drawings suck in comparison to his words. Black has just released a new children's book entitled The Purple Kangaroo, and it appears from the above video that him and illustrator Peter Brown had some disagreements on the overall style of the project. Brown only wants to seek a common ground, and Black only wants to wipe his ass with the preliminary sketches. While writing that last sentence I realized that both of these men have surnames that are colors. The colors of most poop. For that reason alone they should get along.These links are very accommodating.25 Hilarious Storefronts (HolyTaco) Coach Throws Ball at Player's Head (TotalProSports) 5 Oscar Longshots We're Rooting For (Moviefone) Day of the Dolphin is a Movie That Exists (FilmDrunk) Punch-Face of the Week: Jay Hieron vs. Joe Riggs (CagePotato) People Dressed as Simpsons, Family Guy, and South Park (Unreality) Porn Star Gives an S&M Tutorial (Asylum) Nic Cage's Magical Mystery Hair (Maxim) Michael Jackson's 3D Grammys Tribute (SuperTremendous) Olivia Wilde in Italian GQ Magazine (CelebJihad) 10 Most Egregious Oscar Snubs of 2010 (Pajiba) 25 Sexy Motivational Posters (TheChive) Terry the Bi, Bi-Polar, Polar Bear (Atom) How to Be a Spy in a Week (MadeMan) Biggest Off-Season Rumors of 2010 (AllLeftTurns)
Annie Wersching is from my hometown of St. Louis, Missouri, so that automatically makes her awesome. We do breed some fiiiiiiine women in the Show Me State. I have yet to figure out if it's due to Budweiser replacing the drinking water.A word from Annie: "Acting gave me the opportunity to do outrageous things."Hmmm, when Googling Annie I came across no spicy pictorials or mentionings of nude scenes. If she's going to say she's done outrageous things can a brotha at least get a lingerie spread?The pics after the jump will leave you wanting.
Anticipation for the sixth and final season of LOST is reaching a fever pitch. Fans of the show are surely planning viewing parties for tomorrow night's premiere (kinda messed that I wasn't invited). If you are among the many eager to see what happens this season on Craphole Island, ABC has a little treat for you. In addition to the first 4 minutes of the season premiere, ABC has lifted the embargo on new footage. So instead of showing us a whole lot of nothing, they've lovingly crafted this slick trailer from brand new footage. Have a glimpse at what the fates have in store for all of your favorite characters and Sayid. And please reconsider not having me in your home for your viewing party. I promise not to giggle during the love scenes this year. (SL Lost)FIND THE ANSWERS AFTER THE JUMP…
I'm only going to show you this if you promise to be good. Below is a video containing the first four minutes of the final season of LOST. I feel no need to offer a SPOILER ALERT!!! because I've already made it clear this is the first four minutes of the sixth and final season. If you can't wait until this Tuesday at 8/7c on ABC then go ahead and watch now. But you have to promise to keep your sh*t together after. I don't want this little taste to get you jonesin' for more that simply isn't in supply.
Lucy Lawless is best known for her role as Xena the Warrior Princess, the ass kicking hot chick who may or may not have been a lesbian. Although she's done lots of television and film in her career, the image of her in her warrior skirt, beating the crap out of stunt men in ancient Greek attire, will forever be stuck in my head.A word from Lucy: "I have less and less control and I'm more disinhibited every day."Put on your Warrior Princess garb, walk down the streets of Hollywood, and cut the head off of any person who rubs you the wrong way. It's really the only way to deal with that crowd.Maintain control as you check out more pics after the jump.
Mel Gibson has been working on a documentary entitled Wiggly Piggly: The Jimmy Kimmel Story. It looks like The Passion of the Christ, but with more ice cream. That was my biggest complaint about that movie. Not enough ice cream.(BuzzFeed)These links are delicious a la mode. 25 People Punched in the Face (HolyTaco)Step in to the Octagon with Carina Damm (TotalProSports)#1 College Woman on the Web (TheChive)Defense Corporations: The New Supervillain (Moviefone)Aussie Tennis Babes (Maxim)Lindsay Lohan to Play Topless Ho (FilmDrunk)Pooping in Outer Space (Manofest)10 Best Movies of 2010: A Prediction (Pajiba)Mila Kunis GQ Magazine Outtakes (CelebJihad)10 Amazing Japanese Video Game Commercials (Unreality)2010 Nominees for the Robot Hall of Fame (Asylum)Will You Get Laid on Valentine's Day? (RegretfulMorning)Dating Out of Your League (MadeMan)A Few Moments with Ned Jarrett (AllLeftTurns)
Chyler Leigh played the She's All That Rachael Leigh Cook character in the parody Not Another Teen Movie. Now she's playing Grey's little sister on that show women like called Grey's Anatomy. Is it just me, or does Ellen Pompeo have a weird lookin' face? Kind of a gnarled lip? No?A word from Chyler: "I watched She's All That at least 15 times."That's how many times it takes to fully comprehend that Freddy Prince Jr. can't act his way out of an American Crew pomade container.Look at the pics after the jump at least 15 times.
Charlize Theron and David Fincher are teaming up to develop the book "Mind Hunter: Inside the FBI's Elite Serial Crime Unit," into a series for HBO. The show is shedding the marblemouth title and sticking with the more simplistic Mind Hunter. Not to be confused with Renny Harling's crap-terpiece Mind Hunters, starring Christian Slater and LL Cool J.The book, by John Douglas and Mark Olshaker, recounts Douglas's experience as a top FBI investigator of serial killers and rapists and his profiling techniques. So it's essentially an HBO version of CBS's Criminal Minds. The main difference being this version will have swears and no soap actors. This isn't a bad idea at all. Fincher and Theron both have proven track records, and there's no way this show will give any serial killers the edge in the War On Killing People. If there's one thing that movies have taught me, methodical serial killers HATE complex games of cat and mouse. It's right up there with sending menacing letters to newspapers on their list of dislikes. (Collider)
Conan is back at NBC. Kinda sorta. Less than a week after his last appearance as host of The Tonight Show, the network has picked up a pilot from his Conaco production company. The show, previously known as Justice, is an hour-long drama that revolves around a Supreme Court Justice who leaves Capitol Hill to start his own law practice. There's no word whether or not a big-chinned rival judge was the reason the protagonist jumped ship.I'm holding out hope that this goes to series and Masturbating Bear guest stars in an episode that centers around a public indecency case. That's the least you can do for us, NBC. (Variety)
Woman Faints On Price Is Right – Watch more Funny VideosI free trip to Minneapolis and a Ford can be overwhelming.This links might make you dizzy.25 Animals with Their Heads Stuck (HolyTaco)Marathon Winner Pukes at Finish Line (TotalProSports)An Awesome a Day Keeps the Doctor Away (TheChive)Jessica Alba Gets Victimized (Moviefone)11 Celeb Comic Books That Actually Exist (Maxim)Insane Clown Posse Made a Western (FilmDrunk)21 Amazing Unibrows (SuperTremendous)Dave and Leno the Early Years (Pajiba)AnnaLynne McCord Must Be Cold (CelebJihad)10 Badass Super Mario Track Mixes (Unreality)Latest Rumors on Apple iTablet (Asylum)Stages of Douchebaggery (RegretfulMorning)Luxury Custom Bedrooms (MadeMan)NASCAR Haiti Relief (AllLeftTurns)
File this one under: What Took So Long?RadarOnline.com has discovered that nude photos of Jersey Shore's JWoww are being shopped around to media outlets. The photos show JWoww (aka Jenni Farley), and those silicon bulbs attached to her chest, posing topless with a small wrap around her bottom. The photographer made the strange choice of shooting the pictures with moody lighting against a brownish backdrop. I'd have assumed that the pics would be taken in front of an Italian flag or that rustic wallpaper they have up at Olive Garden. Guess she's saving that for her Hustler spread. (RadarOnline)
"Weird Al" Yankovic has signed a production deal with Cartoon Network to broadcast anything he wants on the channel. First up will be a live-action feature film that will NOT star the parodist. According to "Weird", the network asked that the project star a young protagonist. That's a shame. Where will they ever find a youngster with the charm and good looks of "Weird Al" Yankovic? Besides McLovin, of course. I just hope Wheel of Fish is on the primetime schedule. (Al's Blog via Coming Soon)
Worst Strip Club Commercial Ever – Watch more Funny VideosThe free lunch buffet doesn't make up for this horribly produced local commercial. If you want to sell the goods of a strip club may I suggest showing more of the girls sans a skeezy guy with a ponytail. Or at least give me some shots of the mac 'n cheese bubbling atop a Sterno flame. Mmmm, look at all that Hep C.
UNIVERSAL CITY – The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, spin-off of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, born June 1st, 2009. The show lowered the curtain and ended its run January 22nd, 2010, just seven months after its debut.O'Brien's Tonight Show proudly graced the airwaves until its ownership was recalled by hacky comedian Jay Leno, the show's slippery former host, much to the chagrin of many fans. The show found its groove and ratings-gold when the long-hectored host stood up to network brass and refused to move to a worse timeslot. O'Brien's monologues and sketches leading up to his final episode took NBC apart in spectacular fashion both sardonically and financially. The entire saga has been a PR nightmare for NBC, whose out-of-touch business tactics have redefined the term "screwing the pooch."The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien is survived by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and house band Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7, and remembered fondly by comedy fans below the age of 79. In lieu of flowers, please send a steaming pile to Jay Leno's offices.
Leonardo da Vinci and Christopher Columbus can rest easy in their graves, as The Jersey Shore season finale airs tonight. I'd like to pretend the above video of the guido cast's auditions is a eulogy for the show, but I realize the world will have to endure several more years of the pop culture "phenomenon." Wouldn't you know it, the guys talk about bangin' chicks and the girls talk about gettin' banged by guys. Normally I don't mind ill-pronounced bangin' talk, but bangin' often leads to the proliferation of a species, and I'm pretty sure spawn from The Jersey Shore folks would signal the apocalypse. (AOL)
Conan O'Brien has redefined the term "fu@% you money." Hours ago, he finalized his exit deal with the network that will pay him $32.5 million, executive producer Jeff Ross $4.5 million, and his staff $8 million. On top of that, he convinced the network to cave on their mitigation clause, meaning he can set up shop elsewhere and keep NBC's payout. Ouch. No word on whether he'll be able to bring his characters.To make matters more costly for NBC, on last night's show he announced that for the remainder of the week he will introduce “new comedy bits that aren’t so much funny as they are crazy expensive.” Much like Evan Almighty. To kick things off, O'Brien "purchased" a Bugatti Veryon, the world's most expensive car, and dressed it like a mouse while pumping "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones. Not a funny bit (but still funnier than Leno) but a very costly bit. So costly in fact that NBC has yanked it from Hulu and NBC.com for fear of paying music royalties. Luckily I decided to forego a day's worth of my exorbitant blogger pay to bring the clip to you. Enjoy! (NY Times)
AMC told the director of The Shawshank Redemption that it's okay to make his show about zombies! Yippee! Last August we reported that Frank Darabont sold a pitch to adapt the graphic novel The Walking Dead for the small screen, and now after writing the script he's gotten the go-ahead to direct the pilot. That doesn't mean it will necessarily become a series, but if you consider the fact that Darabont will most likely make a kick-ass pilot there's a pretty good chance we'll get to witness at least one full season.The story follows a group of people, led by a small-town Kentucky Police Officer named Rick Grimes, trying to survive in a world overrun by zombies. But unlike most zombie films, the books are more character centric.It's good they decided to focus on the people who aren't rotting. A series about folks bumping into each other and eating brains would get awfully tedious and most likely cancelled after one episode. (THR)