Judge Judy Pulls a Jackie Chan…By Not Dying

Wednesday, March 30 by


Earlier today, Judge Judy decided to pull a “Jackie Chan” by taking over the Internet, but at the same time, refusing to die. The 68-year old TV judge (whose real name is Judy Sheindlin) was rushed to the hospital after falling ill while on the set of her show. According to her rep, “The judge was feeling nauseous and had some intestinal discomfort and decided to go to the hospital to get it checked out.” News of her illness quickly spread across the Internet, making her one of the day’s most searched terms. But like Jackie Chan, who has been the subject of an unrelenting death rumor on Twitter but is still very much alive, Judge Judy wants to have her cake and eat it too. Well that type of attitude doesn’t sit well with me.

Look, I don’t want to see Judge Judy die any more than I want to see Lady Gaga live. But if a B-list celebrity is going to take over my Tweet Deck, they better damn well be dead or in jail. What’s with this “trip to the hospital” bullshit? I don’t have time for it. I must have spent ten minutes reading about this nonsense, only to find out that she’s going to be fine. Now, when she does actually die, I’m going to have to spend another 10 minutes reading about that. That’s 20 minutes of my life down the drain on Judge Judy!

Let’s say for the sake of argument, that the average American spends about 30 minutes a year reading about fake celebrity death rumors and illnesses that go no where. I think that’s low balling it, but so be it. Now consider that the average American lives to be 78-years old. Over the course of a lifetime, that averages out to 2340 minutes, or 39 hours! That’s almost two days of this bullshit. And for people like me, who are trapped in the bowels of the entertainment industry, the number in infinitely higher. It wouldn’t surprise me if I’ll spend a week or more on this nonsense, when all is said and done. That’s unacceptable.

As a result of her hospitalization, I’m sure Judge Judy has a new-found appreciation of how precious life is. As such, I’m sure that she, of all people, can sympathize with my frustration. What if I get hit by a car on my way home from work, or drop dead from a heart attack after finishing this? When my life flashes before my eyes, am I going to feel good about the choices I made? When I meet my maker, how am I going to explain that I spent a total of seven days reading about celebrities deaths that didn’t really happen, but I never got around to helping out at that homeless shelter?

So while I don’t want to see Jackie Chan or Judge Judy kick the bucket, at the end of the day, I just don’t have time to waste on their fake deaths and non-life threatening illnesses. So in the future, I ask that all celebrities, especially the smaller names, be considerate of other people’s time. You want to be involved in a tragic accident? Fine! You want to get sick and die? Fine! But enough of these half measures. As the wise man once said, shit or get off the pot.

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  1. March 30, 2011 5:41 pm


    I agree. It all just leads to unnecessary googling. I need more time to google my own name over and over, for pete’s sake!

  2. March 30, 2011 5:41 pm



  3. March 30, 2011 5:41 pm



  4. March 30, 2011 5:41 pm


    judge judy sucks boring ass cold bitch

  5. March 30, 2011 5:41 pm

    Anthony Morgan

    Boo Hoo for you so you decided to spout out a whole load of crap as a result – too much time on your hands methinks!!!

  6. March 30, 2011 5:41 pm


    Words hurt, Anthony Morgan. Words hurt.

  7. March 30, 2011 5:41 pm


    seems like the internet is a digital graveyard. http://goo.gl/HM6hR reported it’s a death hoax. why do people joke about death? i saw that news site with false reporting. the internet which is a medium of freedom of expression has become an arena spreading false, malicious information!

  8. March 30, 2011 5:41 pm


    how much did it take you to think about and write this article? thats how much time youve wasted

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