Fall 2009 Primetime TV Picks

Tuesday, September 22 by

Praise the autumnal equinox!  With the changing of the leaves comes the changing of television programming, and while the Summer heat made me unconscionably sweaty, this season’s new lineup has all my glands wide open.  So clear your DVR’s queue to make room for my personal favorites this Fall.  I’m guaranteeing a fantastic time indoors away from parents, women, and cyborgs (don’t pretend like they’re not out there among us).  Enjoy the following!  

What it’s about:

Winning Emmys. 

 

When it’s on:

Thursdays from 9:30PM – 10:00PM EST on NBC.  Starts October 15th.

 

I say this show is about the behind-the-scenes world of a "Saturday Night Live"-like show, but underneath it all, it’s about two things: winning Emmys and shoddy viewership. That’s why I’m making it my lead-in (aside from the fact that numbers come before letters in alphabetized lists). It’s at once brilliant and inane. It’s the Rain Man of half-hour comedy. And Tina Fey is a sex goddess.

 

 

What it’s about:

Four young, selfish friends run an Irish bar in Philadelphia. The weather thing in the title is a metaphor. The sunny part is irony. Now you know.

 

When it’s on:

Thursdays from 10:00PM – 10:30PM EST on FX.  

 

This show isn’t afraid to get down to the real issues today, like abortion, underage drinking, and all the stuff happening with the gay people, or so I hear. I had an Uncle who ran a bar and he was very opinionated on these issues. Then he murdered my Aunt. Not funny. This show reminds me of what could have been, maybe had he just hung out with Danny Devito more. The man hasn’t lost a step. If you don’t believe me that this show is funny, check out this piece from my pen pals at Holy Taco.

 

 

What it’s about:

A pretty blonde girl of average intelligence moves in next door to two brilliant young, "socially awkward" (by who’s standards?!) physicists.

 

When it’s on:

Mondays from 9:30PM – 10:00PM EST on CBS.  

 

This is the only multi-cam, studio-based sitcom that I have on this list, because it’s the only one worth watching on television. Why? Because the nerds on this show make me feel good about myself. (It’s the reason I resurfaced from a two-year exile in this basement so that I, too, could land an aspiring actress/Cheesecake Factory waitress as my woman.) Sadly, the excursion turned into my purchasing five key lime cheesecakes to-go from a 16-year-old male worker.

 

 

What it’s about:

Peter Griffin’s pal Cleveland Brown moves on to greener pastures in his own spinoff. 

 

When it’s on:

Sundays from 8:30PM – 9:00PM EST on Fox.  Starts September 27th.

 

 

Seeing as "Family Guy" tickles me pink, I’m expecting the "The Cleveland Show" to leave me looking like a big cherry. Although I could do without some of the fat-ist humor that Seth McFarlane and Company are known to use. Those kinds of jokes hurt my feelings almost as much as those guys that call me "fatass" when I’m online. Or when I’m at the bus stop. Or when I’m at the store. Or when I was at my grandfather’s funeral. It’s rude.

 

 

 

What it’s about:

Focuses on a band of misfits, at the center of which is a fast-talkin’ lawyer whose degree has been revoked, who form a study group and end up learning a lot more about themselves than they do about their course work.

 

When it’s on:

Thursdays from 8:30PM – 9:00PM EST on NBC.  

 

I thought the pilot was pretty damn funny, and the show has a lot of potential.  The guy from "The Soup,"  tall and handsome Joel McHale (probably gets chicks), does a convincing job as down and out lawyer Jeff.  Plus Chevy Chase has got his back if anything falls flat.  I just look at that guy’s face and I shoot Nesquik out of my nose.  It makes me want to watch Caddyshack for the 152nd time.  I keep a tally.       

 

 

What it’s about:

Follows the humdrum exploits of Larry David, the man who created "Seinfeld," the show about nothing.

 

When it’s on:

Sundays from 9:00PM – 9:30PM EST on HBO.  

 

This is the best drama on television, hands down. Why it’s a half hour and they play the silly theme music, I have no idea. But everyone fights just like I do with my mother and father. It’s like the producers stole my journal. 

 

 

What it’s about:

In the new season, America’s favorite serial killer has gone from freewheeling bachelor to responsible husband and doting dad.  Maintaining an average-guy facade while satisfying his need to kill has never been easy.  But now, with wife and kids in tow Dexter‘s got more to lose then ever, as he gets drawn into a deadly game with a killer every bit as dangerous — and conflicted — as he is.

 

When it’s on:

Sundays from 9:00PM – 10:00PM EST.  Starts September 27th

 

Yeah, Dexter‘s a dad now, he’s got greater domestic responsibilities, it adds conflict, that’s all great.  But the reason you really need to watch the show this season: John Lithgow is the villain.  The bad guy from Cliffhanger is Dexter’s foil!  The psychological and emotion sparring matches are going to be unprecedented.  And now Lithgow has someone more versed in the craft of acting to battle wits with.  Sorry, Stallone, but Lithgow’s skills crush yours.      

 

 

 

What it’s about: 

Human "dolls" have had their personalities and existences wiped clean and can be imprinted with any number of personalities.

  

When it’s on:

Fridays from 9:00PM – 10:00PM EST on Fox.  Starts September 25th.

 

 

Lord Whedon has done it again with his latest creation. I haven’t felt this titillated since my mom got that mentholated soap. Imagine all the things that I could do if I had a living doll to fulfill my every wish and desire. I could have them cut the crusts off my sandwiches and then bake me a sandwich crust pie. I could have them alphabetize my Star Wars figures. Heck, I could even have them help me get into my Bobba Fett costume now that mom’s fingers are too gnarled to work the zipper. 

 

  

What it’s about:

When a mysterious event causes the entire world to black out, humanity is given a glimpse into its near future, and every man, woman and child is forced to come to grips with whether their destinies can be avoided or fulfilled.

 

When it’s on:

Thursdays from 9:00PM – 10:00PM EST on ABC.  Starts September 24th.

 

I’m über excited for this series that’s certain to molest your mind.  Everyone in the world passes out for 2 minutes and 17 seconds and sees their futures?  How totally cool is that?!  I’ve passed out for hours on end, but no matter how diligently I’ve trained my subconscious, I’ve never seen my destiny.  I usually just wake up in my computer chair surrounded by Goldfish Crackers and/or soggy tissues.  It’s not nearly as interesting as it sounds.    

 

 

 

What it’s about:

"The Forgotten" revolves around The Forgotten Network, a team of amateur sleuths (led by Christian Slater) who wok on cases involving unidentified victims. 

 

When it’s on:

Tuesdays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM EST on ABC.  Starts September 22nd.

 

I”m not much of a fan of Christian Slater due to his hard partyin’ ways. I choose to get high on life (and the occasional Pixie Stick.)  But I forgave Robert Downey Jr. so I guess I’ve got to hold Christian to the same esteem. Anyway, I LOVE amateur sleuthing. I’m kind of a whiz when it comes to cracking cases myself. In fact last week I solved the mystery of why everyone was kicking me. Turns out, I had a sign on my back. I haven’t figured out how it got on there but I’m close. You no-good ninny. I will find you.

 

  

What it’s about:  

The equally cantankerous and brilliant pathologist is back solving new medical mysteries while dealing with the pains of leg infarctions and everyday socialization. 

 

When it’s on:

Mondays from 8:00PM – 9:00PM EST on FOX. 

 

I don’t want to ruin the premiere if you haven’t checked it off your DVR assignment list yet, but let me just say Dr. Gregory House is back in full form.  I know some people think this show is monotonous, but those people can take a needle to the face.  The characters in "House," and not just House himself, are brilliantly developed, and even though you know all the patients will eventually seize before a commercia break and require a lumbar puncture, the stories still fascinate me.      

 

 

What it’s about:

A satirical look at three families and the trials they face in their own unique ways.

 

When it’s on:

Wednesdays from 9:00PM – 9:30PM EST on ABC.  Starts September 23rd.

 

This is sure to be TV’s edgy family comedy of the season, a la "Arrested Development," but instead of rich alcoholics, it’s a gay couple, Al Bundy and Sofia Vergara, whose ranking at the top of my fap-o-meter makes this show already a must watch. Oh god, I think my drool just mixed with the Cheeto dust on my shirt.

 

 

 

What it’s about:

Chris O’Donnell and LL Cool JJ fight crimes against the navy in sunny Los Angeles in this NCIS spin-off. 

When it’s on: 

Tuesdays from 9:00PM – 10:00PM EST on CBS.  Starts September 22nd.  

 

 

Yo, yo. My name is Snodgrass and I’m here to say/ There is a cat, goes by the name Cool J/ He’s maxin’ and relaxin’ with Chris O’Donnell/ I back up my files on a dongle/ The fighting against evil that mess with the Navy/ Cuz the Navy be all like, "LL! Save me!!"/ The day is saved and they all applaud fast/ Take it from me, Mix Master Snodgrass **fist bumps Capt. Picard standee**

 

   

What it’s about:

Seann McNamara and Christian Troy are seriously gifted plastic surgeons living in Los Angeles who have some serious issues they need to work out. 

 

When it’s on: 

Wednesdays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM EST on FX.  Starts October 14th   

 

This show jumped the shark long ago, but that’s the reason I can’t turn the dial (my TV is older than 8-bit).  You get boobs, blood, drugs, boobs, and last season some dude was murdered by getting teddy bear stuffing injected into him.  The episodes that are airing are the first half of the show’s final season.  Keep on watching if you want to see how it all ends.  …And boobs. 

 

 

 

What it’s about:

The adventures of four boys in a small mountain town. 

 

When it’s on:

Wednesdays from 10:00PM – 10:30PM EST on Comedy Central. Starts October 7th. 

 

"South Park" is beaming into the basement again and I couldn’t be happier. Finally I can catch up on what’s going on in the world. Since I hate the news and never leave my basement, I don’t stay too current on current affairs. It’s been a long drought since their last new episode so I’m sure I’ve got a lot to catch up on. Speaking of which, does Michael Jackson have a new album or something? Everyone seems to be into him again.

 

 

  

What it’s about:

An action-packed drama looking at one of the most dangerous professions in the world: first-responder paramedics.

 

When it’s on:

Mondays from 9:30PM – 10:00PM EST on NBC. Starts September 28th. 

 

"Trauma" is executive produced by Peter Berg, who gave us "Friday Night Lights," which was, and still is my viable excuse for not ever leaving the house on Friday nights whenever the neighbor kid calls me to get me to play Wii. Poop on that. I’ve been waiting for this show since they announced it, and in preparation have completed two online courses in CPR, using my taxidermied squirrel collection as victims. You’d be surprised how similar rodent lips are to those of an unconscious human body. I’ve tasted of both. 

 

 

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