Update: In our latest post, we find out that Busey’s penis is named “Big Wednesday.”
For fans of crazy man Gary Busey, last night’s episode of “Celebrity Apprentice” (a.k.a. Unhappy Campers) was like the Super Bowl (if the Super Bowl was played by a bunch of washed-up assholes willing to humiliate themselves on national television). Unlike last week’s episode (Child’s Play), in which he was reduced to a bit player, this week saw Busey in the role of project manager. And I’m happy to report that watching Gary Busey lead is everything you’d hope it to be, assuming you’re hoping it to be awkward and hilariously depressing.
From the very beginning, it was clear that Busey’s all-around awesomeness is wearing on his teammates. In an early confrontation, he became agitated and pointed at Meatloaf’s face in a menacing manner, but shrewdly turned the tables and told Loaf to calm down. Brilliant! The man has a mind like a steel trap. In the 1980’s, the trap snapped on a small woodland animal and rusted shut, but so what? He’s clearly the man to beat. As such, the lesser players have begun spreading rumors about his lack of focus and the fact that they’ve had to “carry” him. Of course they are carrying him! Just as ancient-Roman slaves were forced to carry their masters in a litter, so too should the likes of Lil’ Jon and Meatloaf carry Gary Busey.
But in order to prove his detractors wrong, Busey agreed to lead the challenge, which consisted of setting up an outdoor camping display for Camping World, the world’s largest RV and outdoor retailer. During a brainstorming session, he surveyed his team, and quickly labeled Lil’ Jon an “antagonist,” and shot down his ideas. Luckily, Busey had ideas of his own involving “bases” and “drones.” These “crazy” ideas left his team scrambling to understand what was expected of them, which I assume is exactly what Gary wanted. As the team began to bicker amongst themselves, Gary sat quietly, pretending not to understand what was going on.
Later, Mark McGrath managed to procure some shrubs for the display, and asked Gary for $400 dollars to pay for the delivery. Gary promised him the money, but then turned around and gave it all away to Richard Hatch. While on the surface, Gary’s actions might have seemed moronic, McGrath ended up securing the shrubs for free. Clearly, Busey was testing McGrath’s capabilities, or checking to see if McGrath was just going to pocket the money. In either case, it all came together with minimal effort from Busey. This continued for the remainder of the challenge. Busey continually played the fool, hiding his genius behind the veil of an ineffectual moron, which caused the rest of the team to rise up to the occasion. The man’s a tactical genius.
With his plan in motion, GB was able to relax and work on some of his patented Busey-isms, in which he uses a word as an acronym for its own definition. For example…
Lucky – Living Under Correct Knowledge Yearly.
Freedom – Facing Real Exciting Energy Developing Out of Miracles.
Team – Together Everyone Accomplishes More.
This did little to placate the concerns of his team, who still failed to see the forest through the trees. Even after the event went exactly according to Gary’s plan, their negative energy spilled out into the boardroom. The ungrateful swine had no faith, and began piling Gary for being a bad leader just because he had no idea of what he was doing and the project lacked focus. Little did they know, Gary had two aces up his sleeve. First of all, the women were lead by Niki Taylor, who doesn’t even know what century it is (no, really). Second, once the heat was on Gary, he was able to drop a medical bombshell! As it turns out, he’s been legally deaf for years. In his own words, this came about from “the rock ‘n roll…and the brain surgery.” But thanks to some new hearing aids, Gary’s regained his hearing and can hear his “toenails growing.” Does that sound like the man who Donald Trump is going to send home? Not bloody likely! The men won, and Busey lived to fight another day.
Gary Busey FTW!