Bob Costas Disgusting Eyes Sideline Him From Sochi Another Day

Wednesday, February 12 by
The real spirit of the games is compelling everyone to throw rubbing alcohol in their faces.  

Somewhat unpredictably, the national discourse of the Sochi winter Olympics has meandered from a high-level discussion of human rights to “What the hell is going on with Bob Costas’ eyes?” to “No. The glasses don’t help at all.”

Costas has pink eye, or conjunctivitis if you’re some sort of optimist or something. The foul eye infection has traveled from just one eye to both of them now, possibly because Costas thought it would be funny to gross out hundreds of millions of people.

Matt Lauer will be replacing him, and we all agree would be funny if he appeared with an oozing ear infection or a dead tooth or something, leading the rest of the world to acknowledge that America’s health care system really is in shambles. Yesterday’s broadcast was the first day of Olympic coverage that Costas hasn’t participated in since the late 80’s.

In an informal poll held by me and my buddies, 100% polled demonstrated a desire for Costas to have both eyes dug out and replaced with Terminator bionic ones so nothing like this ever happens again.


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