After Madonna's record-setting halftime show (records set for both most people tuning in, and strongest musk of desperation), the NFL, CBS, a bipartisan government committee and whoever else is tasked with making such decisions have decided to keep that lady-train running down the tracks with a compelling "Beyoncé '13" platform.

*The world reacts with a pleasant shrug, then tries to figure out how they're going to get all this Cheetos dust off their fingers*

She'll sing and dance, and probably wear something tassel-y, but she will not, I repeat WILL NOT, show her breast(s) to America. Sorry to yell, but there's been some uncertainty about that in the past. THERE ARE NO GRAY AREAS WHEN IT COMES TO SHOWING YOUR BREASTS AT THE SUPER BOWL. IF YOU HAVE TO ASK IF THE BODY PART YOU WANT TO SHOW IS ACCEPTABLE, I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW...IT ISN'T.