Artie Lange Stabbed Himself NINE Times
Howard Stern sidekick and actor Artie Lange was admitted to the hospital this past weekend for undisclosed reasons and now the cause has come to light. According to the NY Post, Lange attempted to take his own life by STABBING HIMSELF NINE TIMES. That's so metal! It's 9 times more metal than Juliet Capulet's suicide and 4.5 times more so than Elliott Smith's. The bloodied funnyman was discovered by his mother who called 911. Surgeons were able to save him despite a massive loss of blood. Stern commented on-air, "We all have our demons. Artie has given this show tremendous moments of great comedy. He's a tremendous contributor. He is a good man. Don't forget how great he is."
Factoring together his eating, drinking, drugging, and stabbing-himself-nine-times habits, the man is obviously invincible. Perhaps he's the protector this world needs. If only he would stop copying Chris Farley. (NY Post)