Without getting too bogged down in the numbers, let us all hail King Arsenio, and know that he is a kind and merciful king (of late night television) having bested Jay Leno in the 18-49 ratings by about 60% and Jimmy Kimmel by about 25%. We can only assume that every person who tuned in to see his debut was won over by the show and will continue to be a fan until either they die or the show is taken off the air (presumably as a result of Arsenio’s death, by poisoning, at the hand of a rival talk show host).
Note: In the household ratings, Arsenio fared a little worse (1.0/2.0) than both Tonight Show (2.3/6) and Kimmel (1.9/5). Of course, we all know that this includes old people and abandoned children, both of which are too weak to purchase goods peddled by advertisers, making them inconsequential as both viewers and human beings.
Arsenio was also the only late night show to improve upon its lead-in, a rare occurrence. While it’s only been one night, anyone with fingers that long is clearly a force to be reckoned with, so expect all competing programs to cancel themselves out of fear by week’s end.