In news that was signified by a herd of antelope stampeding through ABC headquarters, the network has announced a slate of cancellations, renewals, and pickups for the fall TV season. Don't be sad, though -  this is a process as inevitable as the blowing winds and growing grass.

Among the new pilots being given life are:

  • A "Charlie's Angels" remake.

  • "Pan Am," the 60s drama about flight attendants stewardesses flight attendants starring Christina Ricci.

  • An untitled Tim Allen sitcom that features the grunting comedian"fighting for his manhood in a world increasingly dominated by women.” Sigh.

  • "Apartment 23," which used to have the word "bitch" in the title, but doesn't anymore.

  • "Good Christian Belles," another show that used to have the word "bitch" in the title, but doesn't anymore. This makes ABC the leading broadcaster of TV shows that used to have the word "bitch" in their titles, but don't anymore. Congratulatons, ABC!

Unfortunately, for new shows to be born, other shows must meet the hard, cold kiss of death. Here are the ABC series set to cross the River Styx:

  • "V," a show about reptilian aliens that invade America. I guess this means the reptillians won.

  • "Mr. Sunshine," which has been cancelled despite decent ratings, reportedly in the wake of star Matthew Perry going to rehab. Heh.

  • Brothers and Sisters"
  • "Off The Map"

  • "No Ordinary Family"

  • "Detroit 1-8-7"

And so it is with the majestic Circle of Life. Cue Elton John. (Warming Glow)