Tonight, “American Idol” will begin its tenth season, and for the first time, the show will be without Simon Cowell. Considering Cowell was the only thing remotely entertaining about the show, this poses a major problem for Fox. In order to make up for his absence, the network has brought in Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) and Jennifer Lopez (Gili). That’s the equivalent of replacing Howard Stern with two old bags from “The View.”
Steven Tyler is a washed-up sell out who looks like Joan Rivers, but at least he has some musical talent. Unless J-Lo advises the contestants to grow a sexier ass or sleep with a record producer, I really don’t know what she brings to the table. Normally, I wouldn’t bother to tune in and find out. But considering my editor is a total dick, I’ll probably get tasked with watching an entire season of this trash.
If I’m going to be forced to watch, I might as well make some predictions. If any of them come true, I’ll look like a genius. If not, no one will give a damn. So here’s my time line of what you’ll see during tonight’s broadcast.
:20 – Seacrest gives the intro. He looks about as pimped out as Kanye West, if Kanye West was white and liked dudes.
1:01 - First Coca Cola product placement.
2:14 – Since the show begins in New York/New Jersey, the rest of us will be forced to endure yet another painfully cheesy montage of NYC in which its inhabitants will act superior and pretend that their city doesn’t constantly smell like garbage. This montage will also feature the first Ford product placement.
4:00 – There will be a short intro for the new judges, Steven Tyler and Jeniffer Lopez, during which they will both list their reasons for wanting to be on the show. Waning popularity and greed will not be cited.
7:42 – Let the judging begin. A delusional contestant who has no business being anywhere near a microphone will be waved through to the judges’ table so you can get your kicks from watching them fail. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
15:49 – Steven Tyler will regale a contestant with a crazy rock-and-roll story about touring with KISS. However, he’ll make no mention of working on the Rugrats Go Wild soundtrack.
20:00 – An obvious in-show commercial for Ford will end, and the producers will break for an actual Ford commercial.
26:17 – In a touching moment, a contestant suffering from Lou Gehrig’s disease will sing “Memory” from Cats. J-Lo will cry, and the contestant will move on to the next round.
31:00 - A girl with an awful voice and an amazing set of tits will butcher a Katy Perry song (if that’s possible). Despite her awful singing, both Randy and Steven will “see something in her,” (probabl buried in her cleavage) and she will make it to the next round. Jennifer Lopez will feel threatened, but remain silent.
37:00 – After thoroughly eye-f*cking a young female contestant, Steven Tyler will offhandedly remark that she reminds him of his daughter, Liv. She’ll move on to the next round.
42:23 – Some douchebag from a local improv group will come in and act like the worst singer in the world. The judges will know he’s faking, the audience will know he’s faking, and the next day, the “prank” will be “exposed” on the Internet.
48:44 – After dismissing a horrible contestant, said contestant will become agitated, and curse out the judges. The judges will become frightened, and security will step in. The camera will follow the contestant out to the parking lot, where he will launch into a tirade that ends with him attacking the camera man while yelling “shut it off.”
1:03:00 – A young girl with an OK voice will sing a passionless song. The judges will all agree that she has talent, but she’s not good enough to head on to the next round. She will cry, and Ryan Seacrest will do his best to feign sympathy while catching every tear on camera.
1:19:00 – Randy will use the word “Dawg” for the 25th time.
1:21:00 – A winner from a previous year will drop by “unexpectedly.” You won’t remember their name until it is flashed on the bottom of the screen.
1:34:00 – An old black dude or an immigrant with limited English comprehension will sing a song that is now only played at weddings when everyone is sufficiently drunk.
1:50:00 – Just when all hope is lost, and the judges are ready to give up, a shy contestant with an amazing voice will walk through the door and blow the judges away.
1:59:00 – Seacrest and the judges will all drink Coke as they pile into their 2011 Ford Festiva and head for the airport.
2:01:00 – You will feel dirty for having wasted yet another two hours of your ever-shortening life.