Thanks to its controversial depiction of teen sex and drug use, MTV’s “Skins” is losing sponsors left and right. I’m not exactly sure what these sponsors were expecting when they signed on. It’s a show about teenagers airing on MTV, so of course it’s going to feature titties and drugs. Did they think it was going to be about abstinence and sobriety? If I was more of a cynical man, which I am, I’d say that these sponsors simply bought ads with the idea of dropping out as soon as the Parents Television Council (PTC) condemned the show. That way, they’d still able to ride the publicity wave while at the same time acting like they’re above sexually exploiting teens. It’s rather brilliant.
Regardless, MTV won’t miss the sponsors who have dropped. Why? Because there are dozens more just waiting to cash in on the sweet, sweet scent of underage ass. With that in mind, here are nine replacement sponsors for MTV’s “Skins.”
Oh, and screw you, MTV. I feel bad enough not getting laid without watching a bunch of teenagers bumping uglys.
Let’s face it: teens need rubbers like Charlie Sheen needs….rubbers. But rubbers cost money. That’s no big deal if your parents are rich. But as a quick trip to the “bad side” of town will prove, it’s the poor kids who seem to be banging the most. That’s why DiscountCondomKing.com is a perfect sponsor for “Skins.” With free confidential shipping and a 5% discount for return buyers, it’s ideal for teens on a budget. Plus, order now, and they’ll throw in a dozen condoms as a free gift, which is exactly 12 more condoms than I needed as a teen.
Not all teens are into condoms. Can’t say I blame them. They feel gross and they smell funny. Then again, the same can be said about babies, and you can’t throw a baby into a dumpster when you’re done with it. Well, you can, but you’ve got a one in five chance of getting caught.
At any rate, I’m sure a lot of “Skins” viewers will be too stupid to use contraception, which means they’re probably going to need baby strollers. And since most teen-parents aren’t exactly flush with money, Chicco’s low-to-moderate prices are just what the doctor ordered…besides the baby’s silver nitrate eye drops, which are also a really good idea, all things considered.
Hey, let’s face it. Some teens just aren’t into condoms or strollers. That’s where Planned Parenthood steps in to fill the gap. Actually, they’re really creating more of a gap, if you think about it, but I digress. The point is, Planned Parenthood and “Skins” go together like whores and Valtrex. Speaking of…
If kids are going to sit and idolize whores on MTV, it’s only a matter of time before they catch genital herpes. That’s why Valtrex would be wise to start advertising during “Skins.” If the drug raises its brand awareness now, by the time those same kids reach college, they’ll be loyal customers.
Since the characters on “Skins” aren’t shy about their drug use, it’s stands to reason the show won’t be shy about taking on Salvia as a sponsor. After all, it’s a drug, it gets you high, and best of all, it’s still legal. Plus, Miley Cyrus likes it? Teens like Miley Cyrus, right? Oh, that’s right, only 12-year-olds like Miley Cyrus. Well, that actually works out perfectly, since 12-year-olds are probably the only ones watching this sh*t. Real teens are too busy having sex and doing drugs.
“Skins” makes it look like all the cool kids are doing drugs, but there’s nothing cool about losing your minimum-wage job down at El Pollo Loco. God knows they can’t have a known pot smoker cleaning out the grease traps. That’s why it’s so important to cover your tracks. The fine people at PerfectUrine.com are here to help. No, that’s not a porn site featuring “golden showers.” It’s a company that sells clean urine for drug tests. If you use it, you can smoke a fat one with your friends and still not jeopardize that promotion to the drive-thru. Livin’ large, asshole.
Teenagers watching “Skins” are the perfect target for the music industry. No, not because MTV has anything to do with music. But anyone who still watches that channel just might be stupid enough to pay for music…maybe.
There’s nothing wrong with De Vry. In fact, I’d wager that someone with a good technical degree from De Vry has a better chance finding a job than someone with a generic liberal arts degree from a four-year college. And that’s a good thing for big fans of “Skins,” because it’s not like those morons will have much of a chance getting into a real school.
For every one kid who watches “Skins” and says, “this show reminds me of me,” there are probably 20 losers sitting around thinking, “am I the only one in the world not getting laid?” For those losers, there’s Zolft. After all, why work on building up your self-esteem or personal hygiene when you can simply pop a pill and go back to watching Anime in your parents’ basement? Eh, who am I kiding. If you’re watching “Skins,” you’re probably watching it in your parent’s* basement.
*That’s a grammatical joke that implies you don’t have a father.