9 Actors Who Should Jump Into T.V.

Monday, April 5 by

Not too long ago, most actors on TV wer unknown before they were cast. Guys like Clooney and…other guys like Clooney. Then a trend started where the actors cast were former film stars — of a certain degree, at least. Actors and actresses that were once well-known before bigger and better looking talent overshadowed them. But TV has never shied away from second rate, so the trend has continued and will keep getting stronger. And alas, there are still many more of these former semi-moderately-successful movie stars in the unemployment line waiting for their To break. Here’s just a partial list of such people and the shows they may be working on next. Because an extensive list might number somewhere in the hundreds.

Lou Diamond Phillips

TV Show:
“CSI: Austin”

Premise:
Simply take the other three “CSI” shows and them set it in Austin, Texas. Lou Diamond Phillips will play the leader of the team with a dark past. We’re not sure what kind of dark past, it just needs to be pretty dark. Of course, since it is set in Texas, clichés of racism and toothless residents will be heavily featured in every episode. There will also be a very special Halloween episode centered around copycats of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre murders. Marcus Nispel will direct that gem.

Recurring Actors:
Matthew McConaughey (usually in episodes featuring smoking weed and being shirtless).

 

Stephen Baldwin

TV Show:
“Pucked Up”

Premise:
An aging, boozing hockey star with a gift for squinting and speaking in a raspy voice is hit in the head during a hockey game. While in a coma, he makes a deal with God: to quit his wild ways and become a traveling preacher. The only problem is, on his new journey he has daily visions of God and the Devil and ends up sometimes refereeing their debates. Which kinda’ wants him to start drinking again. A lot. The Bible Network will be producing.

Recurring Actors:
Billy Baldwin as God.
Daniel Baldwin as the Devil.
Alec Baldwin as himself.

David Arquette

TV Show:
“David!”

Premise:
David Arquette will play David Farquette, a plastic surgeon who specializes in breast augmentation, in a hilarious new sitcom about a father that has to deal with his kids growing up and his wife’s new career as a housewife. He will hand out sage advice that his kids will listen to, because he’s hip, wears clothes from American Eagle, and listens to Miley Cyrus songs.

Recurring Actors:
Some of the other million Arquettes.

Jon Voight

TV Show:
“Flesh/Sword”

Premise:
The title has to do with ‘a pound of flesh’ regarding the financial industry and ‘sword’ refers to the cutthroat aspect of it. Brilliant marketing campaign to follow. Voight will play a Gordon Gecko type, trading pounds of flesh by day on Wall Street and…okay, disgusting. If he bangs his secretary in this, I’m out.

Recurring Actors:
Selma Blair comes to mind.
 

Ryan Phillippe

TV Show:
“Bump in the Night”

Premise:
Ryan Phillippe plays a model that wakes up in the middle of the night to find an egg-shaped thing growing out of his forehead. Doctors find nothing wrong, but his career as a model suffers because of the lack of demand for bumpy forehead portfolios. Near the end of the first episode, he is approached by a beautiful woman who has the same condition. Together they set out on a quest to find out what happened to them and start to uncover a sinister plot to disfigure attractive people.

Recurring Actors:
William B. Davis, the guy who played The Smoking Man in “The X Files”. He’ll give away clues to the conspiracy and still smoke like a chimney.

Isla Fisher & Amy Adams

TV Show:
“Carpet Matches the Drapes”

Premise:
Two ditzy twins separated at birth, inherit an interior design business when their birth  parents enter witness protection. They didn’t know one another existed, and throw themselves into making up for lost time by working to make the business thrive together by day, and making some very bad decisions while inebriated by night.

Recurring Actors:
Carrot Top
David Caruso

Dane Cook

TV Show:
“What’s Cookin’?”

Premise:
Because everything in TV is being recycled, this is Dane Cook’s “Seinfeld”. Except this one centers around a character, aptly named Dane Cook, and he’s a once famous comedian now looking for work after a very, very brief attempt starring in films. He gets a job as a restaurant cook (he’s apparently being typecast after Waiting…) and lives in an apartment across the hall from a zany neighbor and hangs out with his other two friends at the local bar. And they talk about how sucky their dating lives are…I think I just described my life.

Recurring Actors:
Christina Applegate. Just because she’s due for a new failure.

Robin Williams returns to TV to play the zany, and quite hairy, possibly-high-on-something neighbor.

Kiefer Sutherland, reprising his role as Jack Bauer, who got lucky enough to land a restaurant manager job after he permanently retired from government work.

Robin Wright Penn

TV Show:
“That Ain’t Wright!”

Premise:
Thin Dexter…if Sean Penn were Dexter and Robin Wright Penn was all of his victims. And Dexter had no sense of humor. At all. Also, it’s a reality show.

Recurring Actors:
Everyone in Hollywood. Sean Penn keeps showing up at awards shows looking for his ex. But his jokes are so righteous!

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