Hard to believe that it’s 2011, a whopping 11 years after the release of American Psycho. The film is a rare example of an adaptation that’s better than the book, mostly because Bret Easton Ellis is a hack with all the talent of a junior-level copywriter for the Sears catalog. Still, one of the biggest reasons the film works so well is the god-tier performance by Christian Bale. He’s got some seriously difficult G.J. Cleverly & Co. shoes to fill. Here are some people we think might be up to the task, regardless.

Tom Cruise

Christian Bale went on record as saying that he was channeling noted mental health expert Tom Cruise while filming American Psycho. The great big smile with the totally blank, 1,000-yard stare is common among Operating Thetans, particularly those who have gazed in the abyss of Xenu and his DC-10s in space. This might work better as a SNL skit than as a full movie, but we’d like to see Tom give it the old pre-Clear try.

Vincent Gallo

If Vinnie Gallo, Jr. signs on to play Patrick Bateman the movie will get filmed, edited and post-produced before Gallo burns every copy out of spite. We’re kind of OK with that, considering that this movie is going to totally suck balls.

Jon Hamm

Don Draper is the smoothest guy around. He’s also a total sociopath with a flair for self pity. Not that we want to see Hamm typecast... OK, so we totally want Hamm typecast. Whatever, he’s really good at playing a nutjob with way more power and money than he ought to have. It would be interesting to see him transition from the easy-going masculine fashion plate Don Draper to the psychotic, label-obsessed Patrick Bateman. He won’t really have to change much about his appearance, either, which is a plus, as it will cut the studio’s losses on this impending bomb.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Leo was originally in consideration for the part, but allegedly, Gloria Steinem talked him out of it. Kind of funny, considering that she’s Christian Bale’s stepmother. Christmas dinner must have been awkward that year, and we’re not just talking about Bale’s unintelligible Welsh accent. Leo can probably pull it off better now than he could have back in the day. Dude also rocks a suit like nobody’s business, which is a requirement for the role. Also, his hair is thick and lustrous, which makes him ideal.

By the way, we totally keep a poster of him in the office and draw little hearts around his face on lunch break.

Robert Pattinson

He’s already played a creepy dude in The Twilight Saga. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to go from being a stylish vampire to being a stylish Wall Street guy. Both of them suck blood and serve no evolutionary function. He’s also going to be in Cosmopolis, based on the Don Delillo book. This should prove that he can act in adaptations of pretty awesome books, so we’re curious to see how he’ll fare in an adaptation of a book that is basically “SEX MURDER JEAN-PAUL GAULTIER FENDI HANDBAG CANNIBALISM SEX SEX SEX HAIRCUTS BUSINESS CARDS MURDER MURDER SEX CANNIBALISM SEX SEX MURDER” for what seems like 10,000 pages.

Ryan Gosling

He’s a pretty solid actor who’s getting a little too cutesy-poo for our tastes. What better way to totally alienate his fanbase of women’s studies and sociology majors than by playing the ultimate cinematic villain of the last 11 or so years? We suspect there would be much whinging in the darkness and gnashing of teeth if Ryan Gosling accepted this role. He might even go a whole year without dating some woman old enough to be his mother.

Aaron Eckhart

If Mitt Romney or Jon Huntsman wins the election, the producers should seriously think about remaking the film as Mormon Psycho. Instead of killing women, Patrick Bateman will use a pool on a Sunday and drink Pepsi.

Ashton Kutcher

We want this because it will be the final nail in his coffin, which we’re really, really into. Dude can’t act his way out of a paper bag, so seeing him try and take on something as meaty (hurr durr) as Patrick Bateman will be about as hilarious as seeing Bill Shatner try and tackle Hamlet.

Click an image below to read more ScreenJunkies goodness....

20 Actresses, 20 Playboy Covers

Dennis Reynolds: Sexual Predator?

Community: 31 Awesome Abed Gifs

Zooey Deschanel Hotness

Best Pics Of Christina Hendricks

9 Most Forgettable Films Of 2011

6 Films That Skewer Famous Dictators