8 Actors Who Could Play Patrick Bateman In The ‘American Psycho’ Remake

Wednesday, December 21 by
Insert Tom Cruise here. 

Hard to believe that it’s 2011, a whopping 11 years after the release of American Psycho. The film is a rare example of an adaptation that’s better than the book, mostly because Bret Easton Ellis is a hack with all the talent of a junior-level copywriter for the Sears catalog. Still, one of the biggest reasons the film works so well is the god-tier performance by Christian Bale. He’s got some seriously difficult G.J. Cleverly & Co. shoes to fill. Here are some people we think might be up to the task, regardless.

Tom Cruise

Christian Bale went on record as saying that he was channeling noted mental health expert Tom Cruise while filming American Psycho. The great big smile with the totally blank, 1,000-yard stare is common among Operating Thetans, particularly those who have gazed in the abyss of Xenu and his DC-10s in space. This might work better as a SNL skit than as a full movie, but we’d like to see Tom give it the old pre-Clear try.

Vincent Gallo

If Vinnie Gallo, Jr. signs on to play Patrick Bateman the movie will get filmed, edited and post-produced before Gallo burns every copy out of spite. We’re kind of OK with that, considering that this movie is going to totally suck balls.