7 “Heroes” Powers We Wouldn’t Want

Tuesday, September 23 by

With the return of Heroes on Monday, I have heard a bunch of people talking about which power from the show they would want for themselves. But there are a few abilities that never get any love, mainly because they would be useless in the real world. These are the seven powers I wouldn’t bother putting on tights for.

7. Mass Poisoning

Characters: Maya Herrera
Being able to poison one person using only your mind could certainly come in handy. If you’re getting mugged or someone cuts you in line at the video store, bam: Black tears of death. But, rarely is there need to kill an entire village full of people. And if you happen to lose control for a second, the authorities would have no trouble finding you since you would be the only one in town who isn’t a corpse. Even her brother’s power, which simply existed to negate her poison, was probably more practical in that it wouldn’t accidentally result in a Wal-Mart full of dead people.

6. Painting the Future

Character: Isaac Mendez
If you’re going to look into the future, you want to be able to see what happens to you and your family. Isaac can’t control what he paints, so he ends up with a bunch of cryptic paintings that don’t really help him in any way. In fact (SPOILER ALERT), they end up getting him killed. If I’m not going to find out specifics about my own life or paint tonight’s lotter numbers, then I’d rather save the money I would be spending on art supplies and let life come as it may.

5. Having Another Super-Strong Personality

Character: Niki Sanders
Multiple personality disorder (which is actually now called dissociative identity disorder) is a real condition and Heroes has shown us that adding super strength to the personality salad doesn’t improve things. Having enough power to tear a man in half would be nice, but not if it comes at the cost of your sanity. Just ask Mike Tyson. Be sure to ask very politely.

4. Super Hearing

Character: Dale Smither
Think about how many annoying sounds you hear during the day. The guy in the cubicle next to you eating the loudest sandwich in the world The office radio playing the same Brian Adams song they have played for the past seven years. All of that would be 100-times louder. Once you learned to control it, it could work to your advantage, but the formative years and headaches just wouldn’t be worth it.

3. Radioactivity

Character: Ted Sprague
Even if you could find a way to channel all of that power and use it exactly how you see fit, the fact that your own body gives off enough radiation to jam the people around you full of cancer should be reason enough to opt out of this ability. Even getting horribly deformed like the Toxic Avenger would probably be better. Sure, you’d be ugly, but you wouldn’t kill the people you care about. Unless you wanted to, of course.

2. Remote Viewing (only other ‘special’ people)

Character: Molly Walker
Of course, if we’re talking about the real world, the ability to find people with super powers would be pretty useless right from the start. But even if there did happen to be others out there, finding them really accomplishes something that could have been done by simply starting a Facebook group. It’s like being able to super poke, but in real life.

1. Liquification

Character: Zane Taylor
Bob’s ability to turn anything into gold would be fantastic in the real world, but all poor Zane can do is convert perfectly good toasters into piles of goo. Maybe if he could turn himself into a puddle and travel around like Alex Mack used to do on Nickelodeon, he would get more respect. Since he can’t, he takes top honor on this list of the most useless super powers. You trophy is in the mail, buddy. Feel free to turn it into a puddle when it arrives.

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