A while back we scoured the internet to bring you a collection of the worst local tv ads. We ended up finding so many that we had to give you more. This time around the selection is far crazier and far crappier. Crapzier. “Enjoy!"
JONES BIG ASS TRUCK RENTAL & STORAGE
This is actually a fake but it’s a charming fake so it’s too hilarious to not include. Which is a shame because if he were real, I’m sure that Toby Jones would be crowned King of Them Internets.
DYNAMIC PAWN SHOP
“Oh, hey Honey. Happy Valentine’s Day. I went down to Dynamic Pawn for your present. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I got you girl stuff like perfumery and ear-jewels. But should you not want girl stuff we can always trade it in for some guns, katana swords or this one sweet-ass crossbow that they got down there. So, yeah, I’m just waiting on the word from you about that.”
What? There’s nothing odd here. It’s just a father taking his daughter bed shopping because they wore out her old one. I think it’s sweet.
Also note, it seems that Bob Ross sold waterbeds to make ends meet before striking it rich as a landscape artist.
I don’t know how the presence of LaVar Arrington or Clinton Portis is supposed to convince me to lease a car but I do know that Carmelo Anthony is very bashful on camera. Rumor has it that he hid under the craft service table until he was comfortable with everyone on set.
VERN FONK INSURANCE
Rob Halford of Judas Priest takes a moment to pass on holiday wishes to several religious groups. He knows this was going to be on TV, right? I mean, it’s just that it reads less as a commercial and more as a demand for ransom. RAMADAAAAAANNNN!!!!!
First of all, the Skunk stole Super Mario’s wardrobe. And secondly, why would a septic tank cleaning service direct its marketing toward children? Thirdly, who clogs a toilet and calls in the cavalry? What are they dropping in there? Duraflame logs??
Not entirely sure what’s being sold here or why there are throngs of customers. I think the Action Nurse is selling scrubs… out of her house. That’s handy. Now I can suit up and finally assassinate all my hospital-ridden enemies.
JIM “THE HAMMER” SHAPIRO
Jim ‘The Hammer’ Shapiro cannot rip out the hearts of those who hurt you. Jim ‘The Hammer’ Shapiro cannot hand you their severed heads. So if you could please stop calling with such requests, it would be greatly appreciated. Kaythanxbai.
THE ANTI GYM
The Anti Gym in Denver, CO throws political correctness out the window and then kicks it off a cliff before shooting an Uzi at it with this ad. Did John Waters write this spot? Cuz it’s only okay when he does stuff like this. The only way this could have been more offensive is if the couch were made out of fudge.
CRAZY BRUCE’S LIQUORS
If anything this ad is a testament to the effectiveness of that liquor. It seems to really get the job done.
LINCOLN AUTO INSURANCE
Finally, a commercial that goes well out of its way to rub shit all over the Emancipation Proclamation.
THE BACK UP
The Back Up is a remarkable new invention that combines two of America’s favorite past-times; drowsiness and wildly firing into the dark. It positions your shotty at a height convenient for every member of your family, especially the toddlers! I enjoyed my Back Up so much that I even have one affixed to my pool float.
Matt Sears is a freelance writer living in New York City. He is a regular contributor to Screenjunkies.
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