10 Actors Who are TV Cancer

Friday, March 19 by

Whatever deal Tyler Perry made with the devil apparently doesn’t extend to every actor in the biz. I’m talking about the kind of people in this group of cursed thesps/models pretending to act. I have even heard about a law being proposed that if you have had more than two TV shows cancelled, you are banned for life from participation in a TV show again. I heard about it because I personally submitted it to Congress under the name Mayor McFartcheese. I haven’t been contacted yet.

Without futher ado, here are ten actors who are television cancer:

Blair Underwood

Somehow, someway, this guy pissed off the Gods of Da’ Tube after “L.A. Law”. He had a good run on that show while we were trying to get our 6th grade girlfriends to engage in some rough through-the-clothes stuff. But since the show Corbin Bernsen rocked, Underwood has been getting series cancelled at a pretty swift rate. It’s a gift, really, to be able to sink so many projects so quickly.

Failed Series of Note (as a Regular):
“LAX”
“High Incident”
“Downtown”
“City of Angels”
”Fatherhood”
“Dirty Sexy Money”

Failed Series of Note (as a Recurring/Guest Star):
Take your pick

 

Jacinda Barret

This Aussie chick is probably best known for crying a lot when her fake husband — Joaquin Phoenix — ate the fire monster in Ladder 49, or for the remake of The Poseidon Adventure, revolutionarily called, Poseidon. She also got some of Zach Braff’s face grease rubbed on her in The Last Kiss, for the six of you who saw that one. Oh, and aside from her TV series fails, she was also in the second Bridget Jones…which I was refused entry into because of my lack of a menstrual cycle.

Failed Series of Note (as a Regular):
“D.C.”
“Citizen Baines”
“Bull”

Failed Series of Note (as a Recurring/Guest Star):
“Zoe” (3 episodes, then cancelled)
“Guys Like Us” (1 episode, then cancelled)
“Millennium” (1 episode, then cancelled) 

 

Krista Allen

Okay, I would cast her without an audition. Just because I imagine she is a talented actress. Not for physical reasons or her boobs at all. And I haven’t even seen The Final Destination yet, but I am sure it is brilliant. I have to still blame Krista Allen for killing the best worst show in the history of TV: “Baywatch”. And even though she was spot on playing herself in “Unscripted”, that show got a kick in the ass from HBO.

Failed Series of Note (as a Regular):
“Unscripted”
“What About Brian” (semi-regular)
“Baywatch” (ended shortly after she joined the cast)

Failed Series of Note (as a Recurring/Guest Star):
“The Philanthropist” (3 episodes, then cancelled)
“The Starter Wife” (5 episodes, then cancelled)
“Cashmere Mafia” (cancelled after her 1 guest spot)
“Freddie” (cancelled after her 1 guest spot)
“Head Cases” (2 episodes, then cancelled)
“The Lyon’s Den” (2 episodes, then cancelled)
“Fastlane” (2 episodes, then cancelled)
“18 Wheels of Justice” (cancelled after her 1 guest spot)
 

Donnie Wahlberg

How much did you want to stab the entire crew from the New Kids On The Block back when you were in grade school/high school/reform school? The answer is not at all because they ruled. Put your hands down! Then the supergroup split up and Donnie Wahlberg seemed to be the only one intent on succeeding in other areas — like film and TV like his brother, Marky Mark. I applaud him for dropping like a million pounds for his brief part in The Sixth Sense (SPOILER: he kills Bruce Willis), but then he started doing some TV. And a couple of those shows had potential. Damn you, Wahlberg.

Failed Series of Note (as a Regular):
“Runaway”
“The Kill Point” (yes, they were planning on a second season)
“Boomtown”
“Big Apple”

Failed Series of Note (as a Recurring/Guest Star):
I personally blame him for the delay of “The Pacific” since he was in “Band of Brothers”

 

Ron Eldard

Um, is it just me, or has this guy done a lot of TV despite his cow-lick hair and a voice only transvestites could love? I’ll answer my own question. Yes, he has done a lot of TV. He got a career boost with a few guest appearances on “ER”, where luckily for producers, George Clooney’s presence cancelled out Eldard’s TV black-holeness.

Failed Series of Note (as a Regular):
“Arresting Behavior”
“Men Behaving Badly” (left show, but then it was cancelled)
“Blind Justice”

Failed Series of Note (as a Recurring/Guest Star)
:
“Homicide: Life on the Streets” (appeared on show, then shut down soon after)

 

Carrie-Anne Moss

Yeah, that chick who was kinda’ hot in the black fake leather body suit in The Matrix flicks. And after seeing her performance, I’m guessing she didn’t just sleep with one of the Wachowski Brothers to get the part because one of them turned their penis inside out and is a woman now. Carrie-Anne had a strong resume already under her leather belt, but sadly, much of it was a resume of killing off TV series. Like Larry Wachowski killed off his penis. He’d loooove Ron Eldard.

Failed Series of Note (as a Regular):
“Matrix” (not what you’re thinking, Dorks)
“Models, Inc.”
“F/X: The Series” (recurring guest star – 12 episodes)

Failed Series of Note (as a Recurring/Guest Star):
Dark Justice (6 episodes, then cancelled)

 

Jeffrey Pierce

Oh, the list of shows I wished could have cast Jeffrey Pierce over the years. I would have been spared “Manimal” and “Cop Rock” because they would have been cancelled much quicker. But, alas, Pierce is from another time and keeps getting work in shows that fail soon after. I admit, he’s not a bad actor, he just has a curse of TV failure on his back. Not to be confused with my back birthmark that looks like Jeffrey Pierce.

Failed Series of Note (as a Regular)
:
“Charlie Jade”
“Big Apple”
“The Nine”

Failed Series of Note (as a Recurring/Guest Star):
“Knight Rider” (2008) (2 episodes, then cancelled)
“Eli Stone” (cancelled after his 1 guest spot)
“Journeyman” (cancelled after his 1 guest spot)
“Close to Home” (3 episodes, then cancelled)
"Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" (2 episodes, then cancelled) 

 

Moon Bloodgood

With a name like…Good God, her parents hated her. However, it’s kind of hard to be too harsh on this chick (I refuse to say that name) because she is smoking hot. I was actually looking forward to Spielberg’s upcoming alien series on TNT, but when I heard MB had been cast in it, I decided to instead stick to a show that won’t be cancelled. Like “Real Sex”. She’s also doing some film stuff right now, like Beautiful Boy with Maria Bello. The rumors claim there is a recreation of the cheerleader scene from A History of Violence between the two of them. Or maybe that’s the script I am writing. It’s the only scene I have so far.

Failed Series of Note (as a Regular):
“Daybreak”
“Journeyman”
“Terminator Salvation: The Machinima Series”

Failed Series of Note (as a Recurring/Guest Star):
“North Shore” (cancelled after her 1 guest spot)

 

Leslie Hope

We first fell in love with her when she was murdered by the hot-ass Nina in the first season of “24”. But Leslie Hope had apparently been getting TV shows cancelled way before then — and after then. She has a great sexy soccer mom/mysterious older woman quality about her, which is pretty suh-weet but apparently translates into cancellation. “24” survived her, but that’s because Jack Bauer can’t be killed.

Failed Series of Note (as a Regular):
“Runaway”
“Line of Fire”
“Berrenger’s”

Failed Series of Note (as a Recurring/Guest Star)
:
“Commander in Chief” (5 episodes, then cancelled)
“Everwood “ (3 episodes, then cancelled)
“Level 9” (1 episode, then cancelled)
“Vengence Unlimited” (1 episode, then cancelled)
 

Alex O’Loughlin

He’s Australian and has abs, certainly he can carry a show, right? Nay. Despite having the Aussie factor going for him, it’s still obvious he has performed various sex acts on casting directors in order to keep getting these opportunities — like Jack Lord’s old part in the new “Hawaii 5-0” redo. Just FYI, don’t get too attached to that one. But don’t fret, O’Loughlin fans. You can still catch him on the big screen in April with Jennifer Lopez in The Back-Up Plan. Look for him on my next list: 10 Actors Who are Movie Cancer.

Failed Series of Note (as a Regular):
“Three Rivers”
“Moonlight”

Failed Series of Note (as a Recurring/Guest Star):
“White Collar Blue” (cancelled after his 1 guest spot)

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