We Cast ‘Game Of Thrones’ With Professional Athletes

Tuesday, December 6 by

David Beckham = Jaime Lannister

I wish Dennis Leary had some record as a professional athlete because he looks a hell of alot like the dude who plays the Kingslayer and it would open up the opportunity to roast him. That will have to be shelved until our inevitable spinoff feature, Unbearable Comics Who Should Seek Fresh Careers as Game of Thrones Look-a-likes.

Though the world of professional sports is not want for it’s share of sinister and cold characters, in all honesty, few athletes have Lannister’s combination of sordid qualities. Some hover around his territory – OJ, Iron Mike, and maybe Kobe – but none of them have such a careless contempt for the human condition as Jaime. Well…maybe Iron Mike. Nevertheless, he not only pushed a seven-nameday-old boy out of a tower window without thinking twice about it and stabbed King Aerys II in the back(literally), but he also enjoys bedding down and pro-creating with the current Queen. Oh, did I mention this queen is his sister?

Now David Beckham hasn’t done the naughtiness that the Kingslayer has and, as far as I know, is a generous angel of a man. It’s possible he wanged his queen, yet unlikely. What they do share is the keys to their respective kingdoms. Like Lannister, it seems that Beckham owns the British Isles due to his formidable reputation and career as a footballer. He is England’s royalty known round the world, and a legend. More people know his name than the current Prime Minister’s or any of those blokes’ inside Buckingham Palace. Likewise, as people certainly have heard of the great Tywin Lannister or the embattled King Robert, the true gold, the notoriety, and the legends so prevalent in the realm, belong to Jaime. Those legends are what live forever, especially the legend of the guy who banged his hot sister/queen.

Theon Greyjoy = Andy Murray

sports stars game of thrones

Whereas the deeds of Beckham and Kingslayer will be remembered and regailed for centuries to come in their realms, quite the opposite is true for Greyjoy and Murray.

Theon, a 10-year Stark hostage under-appreciated by his captive hosts, has kept a relatively sunny disposition for being a slave for half his life. He looks the craggy part and an untrustworthy sea-fellow, but is generally loyal and quick to action when it counts.

As for Murray, he lives in a similar shadow of doubt. Instead of having his way as a regent of the British Isles like King Beckham , he’s generally seen to be a disappointment. The fate of British pride rested on young Andy’s shoulders as he’s unsuccessfully attempted to bring a Wimbledon trophy back to the All-England Club after an 80-year cursed absence. He is an unfulfilled prophecy, which makes it tough because the British love their tennis whites as much as they love their Battlestar Galactica. Meanwhile, young Theon struggles to bring pride and a crown back to the Iron Islands, his true and low-born home.

The morals to extract here are that people have ridiculous expectations, prophecies are bogus, and that being born on a big island sucks.

Wilt Chamberlain = Tyrion Lannister

game of thrones sports stars

Tyrion has to be Wilt. The women and the wits. Debauchery and dollars. Crafty and capable of leading an army into battle. Maybe not dead ringers physically, but there’s always been something about Peter Dinklage’s character that whispers “Wilt”.

Wilt himself, known as an all-time champion on such legacy teams as the Lakers and Harlem Globetrotters, as well as a co-star for such legends as Arnold and Bruce Lee, has always been somewhat of a fan-favorite.

After Dinklage clinched the Emmy for best supporting actor this past year, there was little doubt that Tyrion was the show-stealer and most-admired by fans, the one with the scenes and lines everybody waited on the edge of their couches for.

However, even between the earthly realm and the fictional realm combined, it’s not bloody likely that the Imp will ever touch the Goliaths reported “20,000” legacy with the ladies. Keep scheming, little Lannister.

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