The ‘True Blood’ Finale Reminds Us How Ridiculous The Show Really Is

Monday, September 12 by

4. It’s A Show About Vampires. And Fairies. And Werewolves. And Shapeshifters. And Panthers. And Witches. And Sometimes They Travel Back In Time.

Say what you will about the producers of this show, but never say they aren’t ambitious in scope. What started off as a (somewhat) insightful commentary on an insular, ostracized group of vampires in an exotic setting has turned into an orgy of batshit-crazy werebeasts and figures of lore. Over the past two seasons, True Blood has effectively served as The Wire For cryptozoologists.

The vampires are now but a cog in a silly, silly machine that cranks out plot lines regarding panther rape and such. Also, the witches aren’t even hot! What up with that?

3. The Sexiness. Seriously. Big, Glorious Piles Of Steaming Sex.

I have never been witness to a show that manages to incorporate sex into every aspect of its production. Werewolves? Nope. Big, burly, sexy werewolves. That vampire is going to bite that guy on the neck and kill him, but they’re going to be shirtless, and they’re going to be more than a little gay about it. The sexiness in this show makes Twilight look like Ratatouille.

Fun fact about True Blood: At any given time, three characters must be chained up and shirtless. Two of them will be writhing; one with sexual pleasure, and the other in sexy pain from being eaten.

2. The Plot lines Might Be Created By A Ritalin-Addled 12 Year-Old

Tara Thornton, the show’s resident wet blanket, blew town at the end of last season, much to everyone’s joy. She turned up in the season premiere as a lesbian Ultimate Fighter who was also a drifter. And no one even batted an eye.

Sometimes, the show decides that the myriad characters just aren’t compelling enough in the present day, so they’ll flash back to show them as (sexy) Vikings, perhaps doing battle with Nazi werewolves. Sure, our history texts never addressed the animosity between vampire Vikings and Nazi werewolves, but leave it to True Blood to always tell the whole story.

1. The Deaths

True Blood has set the bar so high for character deaths, that I fear no show shall ever match it, forever leaving us disappointed.

  • Franklin, the short-lived character best known for his rapid-fire texting skills and an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Bean, was beaten to a bloody pulp with a mace. Seriously. His body turned gooey. However, he came back to live, only to turn into a tidal wave of blood and guts after being shot with wooden bullets, suffering a vampires “true death.”
  • Russell, the aforementioned rogue leader of the southern vampires was encased in concrete. Granted, he’s not “dead,” but it’s a fun way to watch him chill for a few years.
  • Talbot, Russell’s prettyboy lover Talbot is stabbed through the back of the heart, turning into a tidal wave of blood and goo. His remains are then poured from a crystal urn into a garbage disposal, because you can never be too sure
  • Godric, the vampire sheriff of area 9, is melted by the sun, complete with cheesy CGI steam coming off of his body.
  • Lorena, Bill’s maker, suffered a stake to the heart, only to have her mouth turn into a geyser of blood on the order of Old Faithful.
  • Then there’s the hillbilly that Eric tore limb from limb after he pressed a piece of silver against Eric’s face. Don’t press silver against vampire’s faces. They hate it.
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