Then again, considering Islamic extremists would like to kill anyone who doesn’t read the Quran or beat their multiple wives, we shouldn’t be all that surprised. Even so, we felt bad for Dave. So, to show our support for the father of the “Top Ten List,” we’ve whipped up “The Top Ten Reasons Islamic Extremists Want David Letterman Killed.” Allahu Akbar!
10. Did not think that “Uma/Allah, Allah/Uma” bit at the Oscars was funny….AT ALL.
9. Long-running feud with Biff, the stage manager. Honestly, it’s way too long to get into here.
8. They never forgave Dave for his rude remarks about Sarah Palin‘s daughter.
7. Letterman’s longtime involvement with IndyCar Racing won him a lot of enemies within the traditionally Nascar-centric world of Al-Qaeda.
6. Thought it was Allah telling them to take out the late-night talk-show host, but it was actually their friend Craig messing with them while they were stoned.
5. Think the gimmick of a top 10 list is trite and played out. (Editor’s note: Shit.)
4. Have been watching Letterman for 6 years and still haven’t seen that masturbating bear everyone always talks about.
1. Seriously. They’re just dicks.