The 2011 MTV VMA’s: Blow By Painful Blow

Monday, August 29 by
Here we go again.  

Gaylord Martha Focker. Has it been a year already?

Summer is coming to a close, which means that it’s time for MTV to awkwardly pretend like they still celebrate music by rolling out their Video Music Awards yet again. Every year millions of people to tune in to see how they skirt the elephant in the room, be it by dropping Borat from the ceiling or by simply screaming at the top of their lungs, “LADY GAGA IS OVER THERE…AND SHE’S DOING STUFF!”

This year, even MTV didn’t expect audiences to sit through the entire show, so they took the liberty of breaking up their broadcast into easily digestible and poopable segments on their website. I’m going to run through some of the highlights, so if for some weird reason you want to reference any section’s video clip (which I can’t really recommend), jump to the corresponding clip number on MTV’s website.

1. The show opened up with a shocking Lady Gaga performance. Well, it was shocking in that Lady Gaga put on the most boring performance in the history of the VMA’s. Dressed as a very ugly and convincing man, Gaga came out to perform “You and I.” (Aside: It’s disconcerting how many times I try to type “Gaga” and it just comes out “Gags.” My hands are smarter than I give them credit for.) Queen guitarist Brian May came out shortly thereafter, which seemed to impress Dave Grohl, and possibly the mouse in his pocket, but that’s about it. Lady Gaga also managed to incorporate the phrase “MTV Video Music Awards” into her song, which means that we can stop being interesting in Lady Gaga right around now. At the same time, Adele was not impressed.

Lady Gags.

2. The first presenter set the tone for the whole awards ceremony, when the audience reacted with “Who in the mother of fuck is this guy?” when “comedian” “Kevin” “Hart” took the stage to present the “first” “award.”

Ok. In this overview, I’m inclined to put almost every pertinent word in quotes, if only because it’s damn near impossible to take anything contained in this broadcast as a sincere gesture of anything.

Where were we? That’s right. “Kevin” “Black Comedian” “Hart” took the stage to tell us a) Why Lady Gaga is soooooo shocking, and b) why MTV “decided” to not have a host for this year’s awards. MTV’s decision to jettison the host was actually a sound one, as it far better to just move the show along than it is to have Chelsea Handler talking about how crazy Lady Gaga’s dress made from orphan tears is.

3. Let’s move on to the first “wacky” matchup of the night. Jonah had to really sell his bit to the Ritalin-addled audience, but it was Jonah Hill, so even though the bit seemed to fall flat, it was still charming in that it was Jonah Hill standing next to the hip-hop Chiquita Banana lady. In a bit that hinges on the unfuniness of the presenters, this bit manages to be wildly unfunny. Points for the producers, writers, and presenters on getting so very meta on us. Also, points for letting us know that Jonah Hill lost weight, in case we didn’t have an internet connection or eyeballs.

Nicki Minaj, flaunting the ice cream paint job around her neck.

Worth noting: The 14th cut to Russell Brand in the audience, looking just as bewildered as I do as we watch this slow-motion train-wreck.

Wait! You know what could save this show from banality? Has Lady Gaga come out yet? She has? Shit. The producers may have shot their wad a little early on that one. Are the Osbournes nostalgic yet? They’re not? This is going to be a long night.

Fortunately, the awkward pairing of Jonah and Nicki introduces the nominees for Best Pop Video, which I’m pretty sure is synonymous with every other category that will be presented tonight. Katy Perry gets the nod for “Last Friday Night,” an anthem for younger teenage girls which encourages them to go get date-raped every weekend, chalk it up to experience, then do it again the next weekend.

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