Gaylord Martha Focker. Has it been a year already?

Summer is coming to a close, which means that it’s time for MTV to awkwardly pretend like they still celebrate music by rolling out their Video Music Awards yet again. Every year millions of people to tune in to see how they skirt the elephant in the room, be it by dropping Borat from the ceiling or by simply screaming at the top of their lungs, “LADY GAGA IS OVER THERE...AND SHE’S DOING STUFF!”

This year, even MTV didn’t expect audiences to sit through the entire show, so they took the liberty of breaking up their broadcast into easily digestible and poopable segments on their website. I’m going to run through some of the highlights, so if for some weird reason you want to reference any section's video clip (which I can't really recommend), jump to the corresponding clip number on MTV’s website.

1. The show opened up with a shocking Lady Gaga performance. Well, it was shocking in that Lady Gaga put on the most boring performance in the history of the VMA's. Dressed as a very ugly and convincing man, Gaga came out to perform "You and I." (Aside: It's disconcerting how many times I try to type "Gaga" and it just comes out "Gags." My hands are smarter than I give them credit for.) Queen guitarist Brian May came out shortly thereafter, which seemed to impress Dave Grohl, and possibly the mouse in his pocket, but that’s about it. Lady Gaga also managed to incorporate the phrase “MTV Video Music Awards” into her song, which means that we can stop being interesting in Lady Gaga right around now. At the same time, Adele was not impressed.

[caption id="attachment_226263" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Lady Gags."]


2. The first presenter set the tone for the whole awards ceremony, when the audience reacted with “Who in the mother of fuck is this guy?” when “comedian” “Kevin” “Hart” took the stage to present the “first” “award.”

Ok. In this overview, I’m inclined to put almost every pertinent word in quotes, if only because it’s damn near impossible to take anything contained in this broadcast as a sincere gesture of anything.

Where were we? That’s right. “Kevin” “Black Comedian” “Hart” took the stage to tell us a) Why Lady Gaga is soooooo shocking, and b) why MTV “decided” to not have a host for this year’s awards. MTV's decision to jettison the host was actually a sound one, as it far better to just move the show along than it is to have Chelsea Handler talking about how crazy Lady Gaga's dress made from orphan tears is.

3. Let’s move on to the first “wacky” matchup of the night. Jonah had to really sell his bit to the Ritalin-addled audience, but it was Jonah Hill, so even though the bit seemed to fall flat, it was still charming in that it was Jonah Hill standing next to the hip-hop Chiquita Banana lady. In a bit that hinges on the unfuniness of the presenters, this bit manages to be wildly unfunny. Points for the producers, writers, and presenters on getting so very meta on us. Also, points for letting us know that Jonah Hill lost weight, in case we didn’t have an internet connection or eyeballs.

[caption id="attachment_226288" align="aligncenter" width="439" caption="Nicki Minaj, flaunting the ice cream paint job around her neck."]


Worth noting: The 14th cut to Russell Brand in the audience, looking just as bewildered as I do as we watch this slow-motion train-wreck.

Wait! You know what could save this show from banality? Has Lady Gaga come out yet? She has? Shit. The producers may have shot their wad a little early on that one. Are the Osbournes nostalgic yet? They’re not? This is going to be a long night.

Fortunately, the awkward pairing of Jonah and Nicki introduces the nominees for Best Pop Video, which I’m pretty sure is synonymous with every other category that will be presented tonight. Katy Perry gets the nod for “Last Friday Night,” an anthem for younger teenage girls which encourages them to go get date-raped every weekend, chalk it up to experience, then do it again the next weekend.

What an icon.

6. Kanye West and Jay-Z dress like Bruce Springsteen and perform their sample-heavy song “Otis.” It proves to be a highlight of the broadcast simply due to a lack of options.

7. Miley Cyrus and Shaun White present the award for Best Rock Video. Miley takes the opportunity to lie to everyone and tell them that she grew up listening to Nirvana and Joan Jett. Shaun White looks like someone peed in his cheerios.

Foo Fighters win the award, because, really, does it even matter anymore?

11. Will Ferrell, Seth Rogen, Jack Black, and one of the only interesting acts on the docket today, Odd Future, present the award for Best Hip Hop video, a category that doesn’t actually seem padded with BS nominees. Vying for the award are Kanye, Lupe Fiasco, Nicki Minaj, Lil’ Wayne, and…Chris Brown. Nicki Minaj wins. As long as it wasn’t Chris Brown, I’m not complaining.

15. Kanye and Katy Perry take home the award for Best Collaboration, which I guess is a category now. The moment actually seems somewhat organic and fun, as we see Kanye being quiet on stage and Katy Perry being sweet and not-too-dumb. Take a picture.

17. OMG! Following the Katy Perry/Kanye bit, we get another funny presentation on its heels courtesy of Paul Rudd and Rick Ross, who surprises everyone by not just pummelin Paul Rudd on the stage in front of everyone. But then they introduce a performance from Pit Bull and Ne-Yo, and we remember we’re back at the MTV Video Music Awards. We forge ahead anyway.

22. Katy Perry introduces Adele, demonstrating the two polar opposites of the musical spectrum. Adele does that thing where she sings really dramatically and everyone solemnly nods and says in a hushed voice what a talent she was. She doesn’t have sparklers shooting out of her tits though, so everyone seems to be politely waiting for it to end.

26. Kim Kardashian presents Best Male Video, which is awarded to Justin Bieber. He doesn’t seem like a particularly bad choice, but it’s just interesting to see him win Best Male Anything when he so closely resembles a lesbian librarian. Bieber thanks both God AND Jesus, which is so beautiful that I’m crying as I type this.

[caption id="attachment_226271" align="aligncenter" width="490" caption=""Male" Artist Justin Bieber"]


29. Chris Brown performs, which demonstrates that MTV has definitively lost their collective mind. His performance solidifies the fact that he’s probably the best-dancing musician working today, which momentarily makes me forget that he beats women on the side of the road sometimes. He dances to "Smells Like Teen Spirit," right after he dances to Wu-Tang’s “Protect Ya Neck.” Honey badger don’t give a f*ck, and it doesn’t seem like MTV does anymore either.

32. Britney gets the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, presented by Lady Gaga. Pop Music! Britney kisses Gaga on the lips when accepting on the award because Britney’s gotten to that stage in her career when she just kisses everyone on the lips and sees what happens. When lining up for a second kiss, Britney displays a rare moment of self-awareness, declaring, “I’ve don’t that already.”

That may be, Britney, but the VMA's are no time to try anything new. Britney gives a surprisingly eloquent speech, marred only by the fact that the Lady Gaga/Ralph Macchio hybrid won’t leave her side and keeps scratching him/herself.

[caption id="attachment_226285" align="aligncenter" width="453" caption="Lady Gaga spent most of the show scratching herself like a junkie with scabies."]


33. Beyonce performs, then announces her pregnancy by rubbing her belly at the end of “Love on Top.” Could this cause problems for the upcoming Clint Eastwood-directed remake of A Star Is Born? Yeah, probably.

36. Tyler, the Creator of Odd Future wins Best New Artist, following his tweet stating that if he lost to Bruno Mars, he would kill himself. That makes two of us. Tyler takes the win as a rare opportunity to speak like a normal human being, albeit one who peppers his speech with f-bombs.

40. Cloris Leachman(!) and the Jersey Shore girls present the award for Best Female Artist. I decide that this will be the moment I mentally check out of the awards. The nominees include Adele, Katy Perry, Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, and Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga wins and takes the stage for seemingly the 14th time. She takes the stage as her Italian male alter ego. She does the whole “Gaga’s not here,” thing, which was wearing pretty thin when it started, but now it’s pretty much insufferable.

45. Video of the Year is presented by Katie Holmes, which is headscratching to say the least. Tyler, the Creator, Katy Perry, Adele, and Bruno Mars are nominees, and Perry takes home the award, all while wearing a delightful cube on her head. Her award isn’t for future date-rape anthem “Last Friday Night,” but rather “Firework.”

[caption id="attachment_226273" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="This pretty much encapsulates the VMA's: A cute-ish girl with a giant cube jammed into her skull."]


48. Lil’ Wayne takes the stage to send everyone home while MTV takes great pains to let everyone know that his album, The Carter IV is available to download on iTunes immediately after his performance.

While the awards by no means proved themselves relevant again this year, the show didn’t feel quite as disposable this year, which is good for MTV, but not-so-good for writers tasked with offering pithy write-ups of the broadcast.

Damn you, MTV, for walking the line between comical irrelevance and competency!!!

Big winners: Katy Perry, MTV, Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Beyonce and Jay-Z’s unborn child who will probably make Jaden Smith look like Oliver Twist.

Big losers: Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, Bieber’s stylist.

See you in a year, I guess.