Smell Ya Later, ‘X Factor’!: 6 New Careers For Paula Abdul

Tuesday, January 31 by

The Wire: Featuring Paula Abdul

I liked The Wire a lot. But one thing I didn’t like was its lack of starpower! When Method Man is your biggest star, it’s time to execute your casting director and start over. That’s why I propose that we pretend that the original run of The Wire never happened, and maybe it picks up with Paula Abdul as a single mom arriving in a new town to start the next chapter in her life. And instead of being called The Wire, it could be called Startin’ Fresh! It would feature guest appearances by Randy Jackson and her “Rush, Rush” co-star Keanu Reeves. The guy that played Bubs could be her landlord, and she would develop a “will they or won’t they?” relationship with her boss at Pinkberry, who would be played by the guy who played Prop Joe.

Be a Contestant on American Idol

This is a bit of a no-brainer. Who wouldn’t want to see Paula supplicate, hat in hand, returning to the show that she scorned. It would be like when Mark Wahlberg asked Burt Reynolds for help at the end of Boogie Nights. It’s like that old adage “biting the hand that feeds you,” only she would now be asking for food from the hand that she had once bit. Whatever. A copywriter could convert that into some kind of teaser tag line.

Also, it would be pretty great if she performed, then, after receiving the judges’ feedback, she critiqued their critique in a meta twist that only the most savvy Idol fans would appreciate.

What I’m getting at is that Paula Abdul has a ton of options ahead of her, and I can’t wait to see what she does next.

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