If you’re blessed enough to have been spared from this recent non-news story, allow me to bring you up to speed. Michaele Salahi, who had been best known for being a Real Housewife and for crashing a White House party in 2009 with her husband, Tareq, had been reported “missing” since Tuesday. But instead of being the victim of a kidnapping, as her husband had feared (read “hoped”), she had actaully just left her husband to go to Memphis with Journey guitarist Neal Schon.
While traveling around with a 1980’s rock band sounds far, far worse to me than being kidnapped and possibly killed, I guess we’re…really happy…that she’s, uh…safe, and uh, that she didn’t end up dead in an alley, cause she’s (sigh) a really great person and totally deserves to, uh, live so she can keep doing all those awesome things that she does like (indecipherable mumbling, trails off)…
While we would never publicly admit to wishing harm on abduction on anyone, we would love to see these guys disappear for a while. Let’s just say if there was such a thing as “friendly kidnappers,” we would be hiring them for these 7 other reality stars.
Let’s start with the low-hanging fruit. She might not be the most obnoxious, but she more than anyone else embodies the ethos of the show, which, as best I can tell is “be the dumbest, worst person you can possibly be.” That’s it. That’s the ethos.
The nice thing about kidnapping Snooki is that the little orange troll can fit a kid’s duffel bag, so you can carry her around nondescriptly, as you would a small dog or bag of human heads.
This guy fostered allegiances by telling everyone he was a Katrina victim. Nice work, pal. Further, he milked his imaginary plight by telling the rest of the contestants that he lost his non-existent dog in the flooding. What a dick. He had already become a millionaire by the time he was on the show, so he was lying for money that wasn’t even all that important to him.
If we kidnapped him, we would make like Butters’ mom and lock him in a car and rolling it into a lake. And while that was going down, we’d make sure that Matchbox 20 was playing on the car stereo and the knob was broken so he couldn’t change it.
This guy was trying to be the “bad boy,” but he turned out to just be a bad roommate because he sucked. The hairdresser from Tempe had very obnoxious hair and was also bipolar. What a shitty combo. I can take one or the other, but if you’re going to be all bi-polar or manic, you better have FABULOUS hair. Ryan didn’t, so as a result, he gets kidnapped and driven to the Ozark mountains where he will be forced to live out his days without a straightening iron or attention.