Today it was announced that David Arquette will be joining the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars, which is “news” only in the most literal sense of the word. Arquette is just one of many mass-marketed celebrities to appear on the show with (presumably) the goal of reinventing themselves for some professional or personal purpose.

That’s crap. The show should only pick stars baed on their unintentional humor quotient. This quotient could be an amalgam of: how strange the person looks, how seriously they take themselves, how logistically difficult it would be for that person to participate in a dance contest, and other factors that would make the show tolerable to watch.

9. Steve Buscemi

We see him dance (well) on Boardwalk Empire, but that context lends itself to taking him seriously. I want to see Mr. Buscemi dressed up in a black leather jacket with greased hair, tossing some girl in a poodle skirt around to “Rock Around The Clock.”

8. Kristen Stewart

Why? Because twitchy people have a difficult time sitting still when they are being lowered for tango dips. Also, the sour look on her face while performing the Charleston would be indicative of the duality of man, or something.

7. Peter Dinklage

Because he’s so short, you see?

6. Jason Biggs

Because it would be great to see that ginormous ear-to-ear grin that says, “People are looking at me again!” Also, his curly hair looks like a head full of pubes, and I find that humorous.

5. Michael Berryman

Because it would be neat to see middle America freak out as he did a slide towards the camera a la Springsteen during halftime of Super Bowl XLIII.

4. Barbra Streisand

Because it would be fun to test the bounds of gay men’s excitability.

3. Sean Penn

Because it would be fun to see his brand of intensity while absorbing the judges’ notes about his energy during his ragtime routine, all while he was dressed like a clown-hobo. Should he win, I would request that he henceforth be referred to as “Dancing with the Stars Winner Sean Penn” whenever he is introduced at the Academy Awards.

2. Gene Hackman

Because there would be no funnier way for Gene Hackman to return to the public eye. Further, it would amazing to see someone like Ashton Kutcher or iCarly lose to Gene Hackman in a dance contest.

1. Robert Blake

Because it’s fun to watch people awkwardly avoid the elephant in the room.