Here Is Your Season 14 ‘Dancing With The Stars’ Cast, If You Give A Damn

Tuesday, February 28 by

A few surprises came today with the announcement that ABC’s tried-and-true Dancing with the Stars franchise had selected its twelve contestants for its fourteenth season. Firstly, this thing has already run for thirteen seasons? Yikes. I think I remember Emmitt Smith winning once, Nancy Grace’s nipple, and an Osmond falling over. There must have been a LOT of boring stuff going on if those are my highlights from thirteen seasons of anything.

Wait. I also remember Mark Cuban dancing dressed as a hobo, but that’s probably just because I’m a Mavericks fan.

Anyway, ABC has released the list of contestants today, and it’s a very, very sad state of affairs. The problem with drawing from B-list celebs for thirteen seasons is that there really aren’t that many B-list celebs, so you have to make your way further down the list in short order.

How far down the list? URKEL far. So far that there’s a guy referred to as the “Mexican Brad Pitt,” even though he’s actually from Cuba. That’s pretty damn far down the list.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s get to making fun of the “celebrities.”

Maria Menounos

This one I get. She’s regularly on TV (Extra), and she’s really hot, so she’s a bit of a no brainer. She fills the Stacy Keibler and Erin Andrews niches. Congratulations on your hotness, Maria. Try not to fall over while performing spins.

William Levy

Despite having a name that makes him sound like an entertainment attorney (cause it’s Jewish, you see), this guy is the aforementioned “Mexican Brad Pitt” who actually hails from Cuba. He’s an actor/model, and probably serves to capture two desirable markets: Latinos and straight women. It’s also stated on THR’s site that he’s “likely best known for playing the love interest in Jennifer Lopez’s ‘I’m Into You’ video.” Which means that he’s probably not very well-known at all.

Sherri Shepard

Some cursory research tells me that Sherri is a panelist on The View. Apparently her decision to join DWTS is “much-hyped” because she had been publicly debating on The View whether or not she should appear on DWTS. The only thing more insufferable than a person who takes a job on a reality contest is the person who drags out the decision-making process in a public forum. I would seriously rather hear about how someone’s Fantasy Football league is going or ask a guy what his worst poker beat was.

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