From there, we’re introduced to a truly mysterious town with such oddities as witchcraft, lycanthropy, gigantism, immaculate conception, and Famke Janssen. Seriously, she’s way too hot to live in a small town. Women as hot as Famke Janssen typically live in medium-to-large cities. This is because attractive women get free stuff in large cities whereas the delicate economic balance of Smalltown, USA finds gifting to the very sexy too costly. #sorrynotsorry #itsbasiclogic

But anyway, back to Hemlock Grove, the new Netflix Original Series is as spooky as it is sexy and reintroduces small town mystery to the small screen. It’s a classic trope that gets a refreshing breath of life, and it’s available now for your binge viewing.

In celebration of Hemlock Grove, we take a look back at some of television’s favorite small towns with deep, dark secrets.

Twin Peaks, Washington – Twin Peaks

Similar to Hemlock Grove, this quiet logging community was rocked by the murder of a beautiful young girl. This is the catalyst that brings Special Agent Dale Cooper to town where he finds the only thing stranger than the locals is the case itself. As the investigation progresses, the seedy underbelly of Twin Peaks is exposed and the secret double lives of the presumed innocent come to the forefront.

Because this is David Lynch, it’s not exactly an open and shut mystery, leaving fans to ponder just what exactly happened to this day.

Eureka, Oregon – Eureka

The small and quaint Eureka appears to be a snapshot out of time. From the local diner to the one stoplight to the government complex located miles below ground where a bevy of top secret deadly projects occasionally escape and threaten the world. It’s just like Mayberry, if Mayberry’s residents suddenly spontaneously combusted with no discernible explanation.

Smallville, Kansas – Smallville

Who knew that the childhood home of Superman could be so dangerous? Thanks to a hail of kryptonite meteors, the farmlands of Smallville have mutated into a hot bed of super-human activity and strange phenomena. Conveniently, this prequel series presupposes that Lex Luthor and Clark Kent go way, way back. Almost to the days when Lex still had hair.

Eerie, Indiana – Eerie, Indiana

What if the events depicted in the pages of the Weekly World News were all true? And what if they all occurred in the same town? What if that town were in Indiana? Sadly, this inventive show about “the center of weirdness for the universe” was ahead of its time and only lasted for one very weird season.

Sunnydale, California – Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Sunnydale is just like any other California town in the 1990′s. Bad hair. Questionable fashion choices. Terrible music. A Hellmouth spitting out vampires, curses, strange incantations, and various forms of demons on a weekly basis. Typical California.

Woodbury, Georgia -The Walking Dead

Woodbury appears as a port in the storm after the zombie apocalypse destroys society in The Walking Dead. Seemingly pulled from the picture perfect towns of the 1950′s (except for the tall walls surrounded by shambling corpses), Woodbury’s problems are caused by the ego of their self-appointed leader, The Governor.

The sadist who promises safe haven has extreme ways of dealing with those he feels could prove to be a threat. Those who let their guard down most often end up becoming trophies in his macabre man-cave.

Perfection, Nevada – Tremors: The Series

The dusty desert town of Perfection, NV, doesn’t have much going for it in the way of excitement. At least not until prehistoric worms awaken beneath the Earth and begin eating the local residents. Throw in the added threats of failed government experiments, mad scientists, ruthless real-estate developers, and various mutations and you’ve got yourself a series, one that somehow finds a way to have people eaten week after week in a town that already only has a population of about eleven.

With that in mind, it’s time to recall The seven most “Shameless” moments with toppers entirely unique to the series.

Debbie Steals a Baby – Season 1, Episode 4: “Casey Casden”

On top of the ordinary madness of the Gallagher household, Debbie responds to the absence of her Aunt Ginger by stealing baby Casey Casden from a front yard birthday party. Fiona struggles to rally the family to tactfully return the baby while a storm of SWAT teams, news flashes and amber alerts amasses around them.

“Pure Shameless” Topper: Unsatisfied with the sex of her new playmate, Debbie dresses Casey as a girl and shrinks his Superman costume in the dryer.

Frank Hooks Up with His Son’s Girlfriend – Season 1, Episode 12: “Father Frank Full of Grace”

Frank, having shacked-up with Sheila in the Jackson house, finally succumbs to urges that have been gnawing at him for the better part of the first season and shtups Sheila’s daughter Karen. Did we mention that the teen, goth, nympho neighbor is also the girlfriend of his son Lip?

“Pure Shameless” Topper: Karen makes sure to film her dalliance with Frank, using it to break the heart of her puritan father and driving him to commit cartoonish suicide.

Lip Takes the Piss – Season 1, Episode 12: “Father Frank Full of Grace”

Rounding out an incredible season finale, a second infamous moment from this same episode occurred as a result of the aforementioned pedophelia. When a battered Frank stands below his son’s room, begging for Lip to open the window, his eldest son obliges him. What follows is a moment of unparalleled television history, right up there with Sam and Diane’s first kiss: William H. Macy gets pissed on.

“Pure Shameless” Topper: Frank’s character not only takes what’s coming to him, but does so with a chuckle of pride for his eldest son and walks away.

Lip’s Weed/Beer Ice Cream Truck – Season 2, Episode 1: “Summertime”

Alibi bartender and family pal Kev grows so much weed that the electric bill is over $9k, prompting Lip to hatch a scheme in which they attempt to make a dent by peddling weed, beer and buck-a-piece cigarettes from an old ice cream truck. When a playground tween asks Lip for a couple of joints, he playfully quips, “You 14, got I.D.?”

“Pure Shameless” Topper: Lip shows off a “cop-finder” GPS that he has modded to a professor, who offers him a spot on a research team, only to turn it down to use the gizmo for his ice cream truck operation.

Dottie Goes Out with a Bang – Episode 3, Season 2: “I’ll Light a Candle for You Every Day”

Frank has weaseled his way into Dottie’s life, having learned that she has a terminal heart condition. While she agrees to marry the soused hamclown, she later confronts him on his deception, stating that her daughter will inherit her house. Frank, heartbroken for the wrong reasons, settles for $2,000 and a flat screen television to boink Dottie to death.

“Pure Shameless” Topper: after slithering from atop her naked body, Frank shimmies Dottie’s wedding ring off of her finger before amscraying from the scene of the crime. Classy.

Grammy Goes Into the Light – Episode 8, Season 2: “Parenthood”

Grammy Deb epitomizes the essence of a lifetime commitment to shadiness in the Gallagher clan: she sports a neck chain tattoo, sets up a meth lab in the basement of the house and fires a handgun at Sheila. The family learns that she is dying of cancer and excuses some of her O.G. tendencies. Despite their differences, Sheila and Grammy share a tender moment in which the eldest Gallagher tells her former enemy to “(not) pussy out on me”, giving her permission to suffocate her with a pillow.

“Pure Shameless” Topper: Sheila composes herself while still perched atop the pillow that killed his mother to break the news to Frank, “Your mother has passed.”

Gone Baby Gone – Episode 11, Season 2: “Just Like the Pilgrims Intended”

By the end of season two, Sheila’s accepted living with her husband’s ghost and sparks up an affair with Jody, the inept biker husband of her daughter Karen. In one of the strangest and most twisted birth scenes on TV, Karen’s child is revealed to be an Asian baby with Down’s Syndrome. Karen is wickedly detached, simply wanting rid of the baby despite the fact that she’s strung Lip along into believing that he is the father.

“Pure Shameless” Topper: Sheila is a massive agoraphobic and is horrified to leave the safety of her own house and traverse out into the world. The farthest she has ever ventured has been to steal a baby from a hospital.

*With apologies to Drexell’s Class. That was some of Dabney Coleman‘s finest work.

Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

It’s a plot as common as the nose on your face. Comedian Mark Curry stars as an NBA superstar who screws up and has to fall back on being a substitute teacher and gym coach. Just about every school in America has a former professional athlete on its teaching staff, because everyone knows that’s where the real money is.

Boy Meets World

Boy Meets World showed us life through the eyes of Cory Matthews, a kid growing up next to his teacher in suburban Philadelphia. Throughout the run of the series, we followed Cory through grade school, high school, and college as he learned various life lessons with help from his big-chested classmate, his imbecile brother, and his physically and emotionally abused best friend. TGIF!

Saved By The Bell

As the quintessential 90′s teen sitcom, you’ve gotta know this one. Re-runs air all over the world, even in small Eastern European villages. In fact, I believe Screech is viewed as a messiah in some of those villages.

A Different World

As a spin-off to The Cosby Show, A Different World had a lot riding on it. However, it stood on its own as a quality show thanks to Dwayne Wayne’s weird flippy glasses/sunglasses. It was the late 80′s. That’s all you needed back then.

Head Of The Class

Designed as a vehicle for Howard Hesseman, Head Of The Class followed the gifted students of Monroe High School in Manhattan and their rebel rouser teacher. However, the talented cast of students comprised of actors like Brian Robbins, Robin Givens, and Dan Frischman quickly stepped into the spotlight, as well as Leslie Bega, who looked like this on the show:

But now looks like this:

Arvid looks pretty good these days too.

Welcome Back, Kotter

The one that started it all. By that, I mean John Travolta’s fixation with shoving hoses into guys.

Community

Though Community is a sitcom in the traditional sense, there’s hardly anything traditional about Community. Birthed from the brain of Dan Harmon and starring a hilarious cast, Community is (or maybe was) the best source for cutting edge comedy on network television. Hard to say where the show is headed now thanks to behind-the-scenes shake-ups, but we’ll find out soon enough when it returns for another season. And then hopefully a few more. And a movie.

Have we as a nation forgotten Billy Mays?

Rather I should ask, have we moved on from Billy? Let’s take a look at how the world has changed without its most charismatic salesman.

The Nation

Today’s headlines are dominated by the news that Obamacare has been passed by the Supreme Court. In a 5-4 victory, the Court upheld the bill which means every American will now have to buy healthcare by 2014, and those with existing conditions will no longer be faced with prejudices.

The Media

Ann Curry gave a tearful farewell on The Today Show this morning. Suspicions have been that Curry was blamed for the show’s sagging ratings, and she was reassigned out of co-anchor chair. This was confirmed by her farewell speech. Ann Curry is a peach and didn’t deserve this treatment. But what do you expect from the network that consistently stiffed Conan O’Brien in favor of Jay Leno? Thank goodness Billy wasn’t around to see this.

Technology

Since Billy May’s passing, our whites have lost their gleam, our putties are a bit less mighty, our hooks less Herculean. But that’s not to say that there haven’t been wonderful advances. We all now carry a personal assistant around with us in our pockets thanks to Apple’s Siri. It means we’ll never have to use our fingers to text again nor have to deal with the complicated mechanics involved with converting ounces to pounds. We’re practically higher beings now.

But that’s not all! The last few years have given blessed the world with several bounties. The Bladeless Fan is now all the rage (though you can’t use it to immitate Darth Vader), we can clone and genetically alter our pets, and the WorldFirst F3 project has created a racing car made from food items. It’s an edible racecar. There’s even an Amtrak train that runs on rendered cattle fat. Take that, Henry Ford!

Entertainment

Clive Owen has been replaced by a guy named Michael Fassbender, and a silent film won Best Picture at the Academy Awards.

************

But let’s now take a look at the lives Mays touched directly. Surely, their finding ways to honor the man and keep his torch lit.

Anthony Sullivan & Vince Offer

The beef continues.

It’s no secret that Mays was not a fan of Vince Offer after he publicly called him out and challenged him to a “pitch off” on the Adam Carolla Show. The feud started after Mays rose to prominence with products like his Zorbeez and Quick Chop. Then, failed filmmaker Vince Shlomi rebirthed himself as Infomercial pitchman Vince Offer, with products like ShamWow and Slap Chop — both direct rip-offs of Zorbeez and Quick Chop. The hatchet would not be buried before Mays passed away.

Instead, the hatchet was picked up by Billy’s former business partner Anthony Sullivan. Who has now reverse-Offered Offer by releasing a commercial for Sticky Buddy, a product that’s a blatant (and improved) version of Vince’s Schticky.

I have to admit, I’m pro-Sticky Buddy. It’s just a better value and Anthony Sullivan doesn’t punch women in the face. Okay. This Sticky Buddy parody may have helped put me over the top too.

His Son

Billy’s son, Billy Mays III, has found a way to both honor his father and give back to the fans. #WheresBillyMays is a website he founded where he curates interesting and respectful tributes to his dad found across the Internet. Like this awesome one:

If anything, it serves as a daily reminder that Billy Mays might be gone but he is in no way forgotten.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Here are Walter White’s most underhanded moments. Obviously, SPOILERS ABOUND. And don’t forget, season four is available on Blu-ray^TM and DVD June 5th, just in time to catch up for Season Five!

Cook Meth In The First Place

With the odds of his survival extremely low, Walter White dreads leaving his pregnant wife and handicapped son without a means of income. After a chance meeting with Jesse, a former student, Walter hatches the plan to cook and sell extremely potent methamphetamine. With Jesse’s knowledge of the criminal underworld, the two team up and find they need to be savvy if they hope to survive.

Lies To Family About Money

When Walter shares the news of his illness with loved ones, relatives and friends offer to help out with his treatment costs. Amongst them is an old flame Gretchen. Now extremely wealthy, Gretchen offers him all of the money he’ll ever need. However, he’s too proud to accept, and dismisses her offer. Instead, he moves ahead full steam with the plans to cook meth. This requires he get involved with extremely violent and dangerous business partners.

Poisoning Tuco

After being threatened by Tuco, a crazed business associate, Walt and Jesse decide they need to take him out. Rather than shoot him point blank and risk reprisal from his cartel associates, they decide to poison Tuco with ricin. However, he’s unable to feed him the poison as planned and is attacked by Tuco. Through sheer luck, Walter and Jesse are able to escape at the last moment.

Allowing Jane to Die

The stress of killing, stealing, and lying takes its toll on the partnership of Walt and Jesse. Walt begins to feel Jesse completely slipping out of his control after he takes up with Jane, a recovering addict who relapses along with Jesse. Walter agrees to give Jesse his share of the money but only on the condition that he get sober first. Jane finds out and blackmails Walter. After caving in and giving Jesse his money, Walter still feels the need to help him kick his addiction. He visits Jesse to find both he and Jane passed out after taking heroin. Jane rolls onto her back and begins to choke on her own vomit. Walter resists the urge to save her and watches as she asphyxiates. Finding his lover dead the next morning causes Jesse to get the rehabilitative help he needs.

However, every action has a reaction. Walter’s shady choice leaves Jane’s dad grief-stricken. Jane’s dad is an air traffic controller. Exhausted and dazed, he returns to work too soon and causes two commercial passenger planes to collide in mid-air, killing all of the passengers.

Orders Gale’s Murder

Walter’s only foothold in the world of drug-dealing is that nobody can replicate or best his formula. This attracts the attention of local businessman (and secret crime lord) Gus Fring. He hires Walt and sets him up with a state of the art super-lab for the mass production of product. This lab also comes with an assistant named Gale. The two get along perfectly. Gus is another story.

Gus and Walter disagree on issues like murdering children. Gus is cheers and Walt is jeers. As this tension grows, Gus has Gale watch Walter and learn his recipe. Once he has it down, Walter and Jesse will be eliminated. In a bid to guarantee his and Jesse’s survival, Walt sends Jesse to murder Gale, a chemistry nerd and karaoke fan mostly innocent of any wrongdoing.

Launders Money Via Car Wash

When his wife Skylar finally learns his shocking secret, she gets used to the money. Too used to it. She insists that she be involved in a business manager capacity. They decide to go along with her plan of cheating a local car wash dealer out of his business. They then use that facility to cover their tracks when asked where all their money is coming from.

Poisons A Child to Get to Gus Fring

In his most diabolical scheme yet, Walter White pulls off a long con that eliminates Gus Fring. His plan is anything but simple:

- Convince Jesse to help him poison Gus
- Steal poison back from wishy-washy Jesse via an innocuous third party
- Poison Jesse’s girlfriend’s son with a not-deadly poison that resembles a deadly poison
- Convince Jesse that Gus poisoned the boy
- Have Jesse arrange a meet with Gus
- Place explosives on Gus’s car during the meet
- Find alternate way of blowing up Gus by placing explosives on an old man’s wheelchair
- Blow up the old man and Gus

So, yeah, I’d say Walter White has experienced a moral shift and established himself as an adaptable thinker capable of extreme evil. He’s become a cancer himself.

However, when news a few weeks ago of a fourth-season renewal came about, it was looking like the feud between the two cranky showrunner and the legendarily cranky actor might be put to the wayside for the greater good of the show. But then. BUT THEN, news came Friday evening that Dan Harmon, the man responsible for creating and maintaining the quirky, nerd-friendly sitcom, was unceremoniously fired.

In fitting fashion, the news came on a late Friday so that the show’s fervent internet following wouldn’t be so vocal until Monday, but, of course, it didn’t take that long. Almost immediately, fans responded to the strangely unspecific announcement from Sony that Dan Harmon would no longer be showrunner for NBC.

Moments later, Harmon weighed in, saying that he was as surprised as anyone else was, and that he had no prior knowledge of his impending termination, learning about it from the media when he landed from a flight.

Of all the paths the show could have taken, this one seems to be the least likely and least viable. Show’s getting low ratings? Ok. Cancel it. People would be upset, but they would understand. Community has seemingly been circling the drain since the second half of its freshman year. Alternately, NBC, Sony, or any other power that is associated with the show could have said, “We’re going to overlook the fact that this show gets low ratings and just appreciate the loyal fan base,” in renewing it.

But this course of action escapes most every course of logic. The fans are alienated by virtue of the fact that Community will not be Community after the departure of Harmon. The show lost co-showrunners Neil Goldman and Garrett Donovan, and lost the sole remaining season one writer in Chris McKenna, so with Harmon’s exit, the show is lacking for the executive leadership that made it the irreverent show that it is. It’s arguable (and probably correct) that no show on the air right now is as beholden to its showrunner as Community is to Dan Harmon.

As dramatic as the fans are, they’re probably not out of bounds in saying that it’s impossible for Community to remain what it is without Harmon’s supervision.

But on the plus side, I guess that feud with Chevy Chase sorted itself out, no?

In replacing the irreplaceable Harmon, Sony, the production studio that makes such decisions, has appointed David Guarascio and Moses Port, guys that had cut their teeth on Happy Endings and something called Aliens in America that aired on the CW in 2007. I assume these guys are completely capable and talented, but the notion of anyone taking over the super-duper-high-concept Community in Harmon’s absence is laughable.

Despite adoration for all the characters on the show, I contend that they are largely incidental (save for the dean, who is just awesome), and that the allure of the show comes almost 100% from the inspired and ridiculously meta writing that lends itself well to the obsessive internet discussion that certain types of fans are wont to engage in.

Originally, I had planned to spend the first half of this piece discussing what happened, and the second half discussing where the show goes from there, but I’m at a loss as to the latter. I presume NBC will be left with a low-rated show that quickly sheds its rabid following the loss of its showrunner, much like it was with The West Wing following Aaron Sorkin’s departure after the fourth season and like The WB was with Gilmore Girls when Amy Sherman-Palladino left after season six.

The show has been moved to Friday nights for its upcoming season four half-order of episodes, so it’s not like a lot of faith was placed in the show BEFORE Harmon was fired, so it’s easy to imagine that expectations will be even lower in this proposed “run out the clock” scenario.

But why “run out the clock?”

It’s not like they’re angling to get to syndication. 71 episodes have aired in 3 seasons, and a half-order of 13 episodes for season 4 doesn’t get the show that much closer to the magic number of 100 episodes often required for syndication. Besides, Comedy Central has already picked up Community reruns starting in 13, which is probably as big a syndication deal the show could expect with its low ratings and small following.

Then again, the network in question is NBC, so it’s tough to say, “Oh, I’m sure they know what they’re doing,” but the renewal demonstrated some faith on their end. The Friday timeslot? Not as much.

Unless Sony or NBC holds a press conference where an exec stands up there and says “here’s what we’re thinking…” it could be a while, if ever, that we find out what the logic was here.

ANYWAY, Community’s coming back, in a format and at a time that dictates almost none of its fans will be enjoying it.

Long live Community! Long live NBC!

In honor of this release, let’s have a look at some of our favorites throughout the years.

Iron Man 1966

Before becoming the cultural phenomenon he is today, Iron Man made the leap from comic to cartoon. The 1966 animated series followed the exploits of genius inventor and billionaire playboy Tony Stark, as he balanced the rigors of world-saving and just chilling out and having a good time. Plus, listen to that intro song. I know that he’s sampled it in the past, but Ghostface Killah needs to work it into more tracks. It’s just precious.

Thor

Thor was always a bridesmaid and never a bride before last summer’s blockbuster version. Relegated to supporting roles, the Son of Odin appeared in the television movie The Incredible Hulk Returns. This was meant to serve as a pilot for Thor‘s own television series but the plans did not come to fruition.

Spider-Man

The Spider-Man we know and love experienced a minor overhaul in Japan. In this late 70′s series, a young motorcycle racer who accepts a blood transfusion from an alien from Planet Spider. This blood co mingles with his, granting him the awesome powers of Spider-Man. And just because this takes place in Japan, he of course pilots the giant robot Leopardon, which he uses to fight over sized monsters.

Also, a samurai cuts a house cat in half in spectacular fashion.

While Ferrell could have disseminated this information through a number of outlets, Conan has proved to be his go-to venue for, well, just about everything. He must REALLY like Conan, considering he’s got a whole comedy website (Funny or Die) that could also handle these announcements, while reaching just as many people. I guess it’s the spectacle of being on semi-live televisions, as well as Conan’s willingness to let Ferrell do pretty much whatever he wants.

He’s a good sport that way.

While this might be the most newsworthy of Ferrell’s appearances on Conan, it’s far from the most outrageous. Here’s a collection of Ferrell’s weirdest and funniest appearances on Conan.

“Free Bird”

The last image from Conan’s ill-fated Tonight Show tenure is this live performance of Lynard Skynard’s ballad “Free Bird,” which served as a fairly moving goodbye, in as much as a talk show hosting change can be moving. While Ferrell took vocal duties in the character of some southern-fried rocker, ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons, Beck, and Conan all took guitar duty while the rest of Conan’s band laid down rhythm.

It may have been during this video that casual fans learned that Conan is an absolute beast on guitar, and all fans, casual or not, were reminded that Ferrell doesn’t have a good singing voice.

Dog Obstacle Course

Here, Ferrell cracks on egg of knowledge on Conan fans, informing them that, during his downtime, he really, really, really enjoys training dogs for obstacle courses in shows.

To share his passion with the world, he brought on a few dogs and set up an obstacle course. Though it’s Will Ferrell, and we all know he’s joking, he comes across as genuine right until the moment he points out the tightrope on the course. That could be an issue.

And it is. It turns out that Will Ferrell is absolutely terrible at training dogs, as they just continue to mill about idly once they take the stage. Ferrell adopts his loud, frustrated persona, and a good time is had by all.

As Robert GOULET!

One of Ferrell’s most beloved characters is a caricature of lounge singer Robert Goulet. Will came onto Conan’s Tonight Show in character, constantly mistaking Conan for Johnny Carson, and his New York studio for Johnny’s Burbank one back in the day. Even on SNL, Goulet was one of Ferrell’s more absurd characters, but the new dimensions are shown when he gets the opportunity to improvise and riff with the always-game Conan and Co.

GOULET! LAVENDER!

Will Shaves Conan

After getting yanked from The Tonight Show while he was still forbidden from appearing on TV, Conan grew one of those beards you grow when you backpack through Nepal or when your girlfriend breaks up with you. However, when he finally got the ball rolling on TBS, it was a new beginning, and the beard had to go.

There was no question who would handle the duties. Will Ferrell appears on the show, ostensibly to talk about his new movie, but he quickly tells Conan to “shut the fuck up,” and gets the beard-trimming ball rolling.

Spoiler alert: Ferrell quits about halfway through, leaving Conan with an awesomely hilarious half-beard thing.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Hey! It’s Will Ferrell being outrageous again! This time he’s dressed as a damn Leprchaun. Oh, Will! You’re just outrageous!

It’s a little difficult to keep explaining why these appearances are funny, and describe what’s going on. Will Ferrell showed up at Conan’s show dressed as a leprechaun in a Speedo. It’s funny because people normally don’t do that.

Just watch the damn video.

Game of Thrones first season was controversial for it’s liberal use of nudity. While some found it crass, it did help to make boring expository scenes totally enthralling. Like SUPER enthralling. Another criticism of the show has been that there are far too many characters, and following all of their plotlines gets difficult. To those with that complaint, sorry. The cast of Game of Thrones is about to grow from a large amount of people to every single actor in England. But it shouldn’t be that confusing once you get pulled into the story. To help those who need a handy point of reference while watching, we’ve decided to break down all of the new faces we’ll be seeing this April.

Stephen Dillane – Stannis Baratheon

Stephen Dillane of John Adams and King Arthur fame joins the series as Stannis Baratheon, the rightful heir to the throne. He knows that he is next in line and wants what is his. He even goes so far as to align himself with a supernatural priestess who uses a mysterious power to help him.

Liam Cunningham – Davos Seaworth

It wouldn’t be Game of Thrones without creepy quirks for the characters. Liam Cunningham plays one such character. Davos Seaworth (aka The Onion Knight) earned his knighthood by smuggling food to Stannis Baratheon during a siege. Not only did Stannis thank him with knighthood, but he also punished him by cutting the fingers off his left hand. Agreeing with his king’s decree, Davos happily wears his finger bones on a necklace. Let’s hope he takes it off during sex.

Oliver Ford Davies – Maester Cressen

Maester Cressen plays an elderly adviser to Stannis who finds himself in opposition of Lady Melisandre. The two repeatedly struggle against one another for the King’s trust, but there can only be one winner. I hear Wal-Mart’s hiring though, gramps.

Carice van Houten – Lady Melisandre

The Queen B causing everybody stress, Lady Melisandre is the priestess who backs Stannis 100%. It’s one thing to wear a campaign button or change out your Facebook avatar, but to actually start spell-casting to kill his rivals is a bit above and beyond. I guess it’s good to be passionate about something, though.

Gwendolyn Christie – Brienne of Tarth

Not only does Season Two of Game of Thrones feature a witch, but it also has a lady knight! Brienne of Tarth joins Lord Renly’s guard while secretly harboring an attraction to him. The awkward and ugly Brienne is sarcastically referred to as Brienne the Beauty. Series writer George R. R. Martin has assured fans that Gwendolyn is plenty ugly enough for the role when not wearing makeup. Wow. Even for a fantasy writer, not smooth.

Gemma Whelan – Yara Greyjoy

The stand up comic has had roles in The Wolfman and Gulliver’s Travels. But don’t hold that against her. **rimshot**

Whelan will play the long-lost sister of Robb Stark’s best friend/emissary. In the book, she’s known as Asha Greyjoy but will be referred to as “Yara” in the television series. Probably because it sounds like a name that’s easier for a pirate to pronounce. She is a badass warrior that commands a fleet of ships after all.

Patrick Melahide – Balon Greyjoy

Theon’s pops is Lord of the Iron Islands where Theon hails from. He’s sent to bridge the gap between the two families, but seeing as Theon was essentially kidnapped by the Starks, his dad is all like, “Oh, HELL NO!”

Karl Davies – Alton Lannister

This seems to be the only character created specifically for the show. Though it is assumed that he is based on Cleos Frey from the books. One thing is for certain: either way, he is a Lannister. Which means you’d better keep him away from Cersei. She probably wants to put her cougar paws all over him.

Tom Wlaschiha – Jaqen H’ghar

To say anything about Jaqen H’ghar may reveal far too much about the second season for anyone hoping to be in the dark. But rest assured, the German actor is certain to make an impression this season.

Nonso Anozie – Xaro Xhoan Daxos

You may have seen him in this past summer’s Conan the Barbarian or various British series. You’ll now have a chance to Nonso Anozie play the merchant Xaro Shoan Daxos. Though kind of a shady and slippery dude, he offers help to Daenerys as she needs it.

Natalie Dormer – Margaery Tyrell

When Renly proclaims himself as king, he needs to take a queen. Cue The Tudors and Captain America hottie Natalie Dormer to play Margaery Tyrell. It is arranged marriage obviously as Renly is far too busy gettin’ busy with Margaery’s brother Loras, “The Knight of Flowers.” I can’t decide if that’s just plain wrong or the plot of a future Jennifer Aniston movie.

Just know that we appreciate you Margaery.

Now, that dream is a reality thanks to Family Guy Online. It allows you to upload a picture and have it transformed into an avatar in the likeness of a Family Guy character. From there, you take your avatar and play a 3-D multiplayer game, which is a great way to run out the clock on a Friday afternoon.

Of course, many celebrities have already been run though a Family Guyzer of sorts by appearing on the show, and it hasn’t always been pretty. If a star has a notable feature, it’s often grotesquely exaggerated to hilarious and cruel proportions. So that “beauty mark” mole you have? That thing could sprout hair and start talking just like Chris’ pimple did. Just ask Gary Busey and Renee Zellweger. Scroll through the pics above and see for yourself.

That’s fine because there are at least a million candidates btter suited for The Bachelor. In fact, of those million, here are the top seven. Here you go, girls. Feast your eyes on these heart breakers.

Franck Ribery

What women wouldn’t swoon at the opportunity to romance an international footballer? These guys are wealthy, tremendous athletes who are adored all over the world. Even Franck Ribery, who looks like the offspring of Michael Richards and Sloth. The man is a national treasure in France. Sure, you might have to compete with underage prostitutes for his affections, but boys will be boys.

Ted Williams

Ted Williams is off the streets, rehabbed, and has rebuilt his life. In other words, dude is ready to mingle. And that voice, that silky, golden voice that so perfectly purrs the time and temperature. America’s ready to get to know the new and improved Ted Williams. And I’m sure the lovely young succubi on The Bachelor would be more than ready themselves.

The name of the show? The F’n Osbournes. Exciting, isn’t it?

I don’t feel like waiting around for this show to air to declare that it totally sucks. Not just because it’s a ten-year old gimmick featuring a family that grates more and more as time marches on. Also, because cartoons depicting real people have a storied history of being awful. And here are seven examples to prove it.

Life with Louie

Some cartoon producer had a theory that kids love corpulent comedian Louie Anderson. And they were sort of right. While the idea of listening to Louie Anderson voice a cartoon character makes me want to cry, Life with Louie was a three-year hit for FOX on Saturday mornings, and garnered the network two Daytime Emmys. It focused on Louie’s actual upbringing, his ten siblings, and the constant teasing of him because of his weight. Sounds fun, right?

It wasn’t.

Pro Stars

Pro Stars was a horrible cartoon that children watched because it purported to star the three most popular athletes in the world, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, and Bo Jackson.

Of course, the aforementioned really had almost nothing to do with the show. They would appear in badly edited segments before the show which did nothing but demonstrat that they weren’t in the same room at the same time, and different voice actors read their lines in the animated segments.

In case you were wondering, Michael Jordan was the leader, Bo Jackson was the muscle, and Wayne Gretzky was the comic relief. You know. Because of how funny Wayne Gretzky is. Also, Wayne Gretzky was obsessed with food and eating on the show, which was never really explained.

This accumulation of crappiness resulted in the show getting canned after thirteen episodes. And in case you were wondering, a voice actor on the show is credited with playing both “Reggie Miller,” and “Evil Reggie Miller.” A Knicks fan would argue that there’s no difference between the two.

Fans of wrestling needn’t just wax nostalgic when it comes to The Rock. Though he’s largely retired from WWE activity, that hasn’t stopped them from subscribing to his “Team Bring It” philosophy. People still love The Rock, and it would appear that they admire him in a way that Ashton Kutcher or Phillip Seymour Hoffman could only dream of. He inspires many people, and while they might not be shouting it from the rooftops, they are certainly bandying about some hashtags to let the Twitterverse know what’s up.

Apparently, if you like WWE star John Cena, then you don’t like The Rock. And if you like The Rock, it’s still ok to like the #justsayin hashtag.

I don’t know if The Rock intended his minions to shirk their academic duties, but that’s something that is happening.

And though we should take the time to appreciate Quantum Leap more often than every four years, we are honoring the beloved science fiction series here today. So, without much further ado, we present Quantum Leap’s best episodes.

But not before we rock out to the opening theme.

“The Color of Truth” – Season One, Episode Six

The show dealt with issues of race many times, but the first season’s “The Color of Truth” was the first time the subject was tackled. Sam leaps into the body of a black man who is the chaffeur to an old, racist widow. His purpose for being there is to save her from dying in an accident. He succeeds but his act of valor also causes the woman (with important political ties) to reassess her views about racial segregation.

“Jimmy” – Season Two, Episode Eight

Jimmy LaMotta is a character beloved by fans of the series. The developmentally-disabled adult appeared again in two season five episodes. However, we’re first introduced to Jimmy when Sam leaps into his body to prove to Michael Madsen that he’s competent enough to keep his job at the docks so that he doesn’t spend the rest of his days in an institution.

Wait. I also remember Mark Cuban dancing dressed as a hobo, but that’s probably just because I’m a Mavericks fan.

Anyway, ABC has released the list of contestants today, and it’s a very, very sad state of affairs. The problem with drawing from B-list celebs for thirteen seasons is that there really aren’t that many B-list celebs, so you have to make your way further down the list in short order.

How far down the list? URKEL far. So far that there’s a guy referred to as the “Mexican Brad Pitt,” even though he’s actually from Cuba. That’s pretty damn far down the list.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s get to making fun of the “celebrities.”

Maria Menounos

This one I get. She’s regularly on TV (Extra), and she’s really hot, so she’s a bit of a no brainer. She fills the Stacy Keibler and Erin Andrews niches. Congratulations on your hotness, Maria. Try not to fall over while performing spins.

William Levy

Despite having a name that makes him sound like an entertainment attorney (cause it’s Jewish, you see), this guy is the aforementioned “Mexican Brad Pitt” who actually hails from Cuba. He’s an actor/model, and probably serves to capture two desirable markets: Latinos and straight women. It’s also stated on THR’s site that he’s “likely best known for playing the love interest in Jennifer Lopez’s ‘I’m Into You’ video.” Which means that he’s probably not very well-known at all.

Sherri Shepard

Some cursory research tells me that Sherri is a panelist on The View. Apparently her decision to join DWTS is “much-hyped” because she had been publicly debating on The View whether or not she should appear on DWTS. The only thing more insufferable than a person who takes a job on a reality contest is the person who drags out the decision-making process in a public forum. I would seriously rather hear about how someone’s Fantasy Football league is going or ask a guy what his worst poker beat was.

It’s too easy to not watch a show that you weren’t watching before, so to add at least a modicum of difficulty, let’s cull some shows that were once favorites. It’s nothing personal. Sometimes shows fall in quality, sometimes they just get old, and sometimes we change. For whatever reason, here are a handful of shows that we have no problem saying goodbye to for Lent.

True Blood

I like(d) True Blood for what it is – a campy, soapy display of stylized violence with a fair amount of nudity. It continues to be very self-aware, but there seemed to be very little new space to explore. To recap, there have been werewolves, vampires, fairies, shapeshifters, panthers, and witches. That’s a lot of factions going head-to-head.

The shock value is gone, and while the sexiness and violence is still entertaining, it’s compromised by the total absence of a story to tell. I was able to make it through last season buoyed by the hotness of the characters, but no more. Unless they seriously overhaul their writing team, I’m going to bid the show adieu and get my nudity from the internet.

Law & Order: SVU

The show has been gradually declining in quality over the past five years. In fact, the decline was so gradual that indoctrinated viewers may not have even noticed. Now, with the absence of Christopher Meloni, it’s pretty clear that the show will keep trending downward. After 13 seasons and 286 episodes, there are only so many different ways a character can get raped and murdered. There are also only so many ways Ice-T can be informed of the nature of a crime, then respond with “That’s messed up.”

Yes it is, Ice-T. It’s very messed up. Just like your show.

What this demonstrates more than anything else, is

a) The Simpsons has been on for a hell of a long time, and

b) the evolutionary trajectory that the network has taken since its infancy in the late 80′s.

It went from airing a mix of cheap and cutting edge shows (It’s Garry Shandling’s Show, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Tracy Ullman) to airing a whole lot of dumb shows (Herman’s Head, Drexel’s Class, Babes, Cops) to some really sleazy programming in the vein of Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire? and Temptation Island to what it’s become today, which is more or less a normal TV network with a whole evening of scheduled cartoons. And you can undoubtedly thank (or blame) The Simpsons for that as well.

After combing this list, I realize I’ve seen 34 of these shows, and that feels like plenty.

Say what you will about The Simpsons outstaying their welcome on primetime television, but it’s hard to argue that we would want any other show from this list outlasting The Simpsons. Could you imagine what the 23rd seasons of Drexel’s Class or Models, Inc. would be like? Ugh.

Stroll down memory lane with this list, and don’t forget to take a sweater. It’s supposed to be chilly tonight.

‘Til Death (2006–2010)
24 (2001–2010)
30 Seconds To Fame (2002–2003)
413 Hope St. (1997–1998)
Action! (1999)
Alien Nation (1989–1990)
Allen Gregory (2011)
Ally McBeal (1997–2002)
American High (2000)
American Juniors (2003)

 Anchorwoman (2007)
Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002–2003)
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (2007–2009)
Arrested Development (2003–2006)
Babes (1990–1991)
Back to You (2007–2008)
Bakersfield P.D. (1993-94)

Banzai (2003)
Between Brothers (1997–1998 Fox)
Beverly Hills, 90210 (1990–2000)
Booker (1989–1990)

Boot Camp (2000–2001)
Boston Public (2000–2004)
Brimstone (1998–1999)
Brothers (2009)
Canterbury’s Law (2008)
Cedric the Entertainer Presents (2002–2003)
Celebrity Boxing (2002)
Celebrity Duets (2006)
Class of ’96 (1993)
Comic Strip Live (1989–1994)
Costello (1998)
Cracking Up (2004)
D.E.A. (1990)
Dark Angel (2000–2002)
Do Not Disturb (2008)
Dollhouse (2009–2010)
Don’t Forget the Lyrics! (2007–2009)
Down the Shore (1992–1993)
Dream On (1995)
Drexell’s Class (1991-1992)

Drive (2007)
Encounters (1993)
Family Double Dare (1988)
Fastlane (2002–2003)
Firefly (2002–2003)
Flying Blind (1992-1993)
Forever Eden (2004)
Fox NHL Saturday (1994–1999)
FreakyLinks (2000–2001)
Free Ride (2006)
Fun House (1990–1991)
Futurama (Fox 1999-2003)
Get a Life (1990–1992)
Get Real (1999–2000)
Get Smart (1995)
Girls Club (2002)
Greed (1999–2000)
Greg the Bunny (2002)
Grounded for Life (2001–2002)
Guinness World Records Primetime (1998–2001)
Happy Hour (2006)
Hardball (1994)
Harsh Realm (1999–2000)
Haywire (1990-1991)
Head Cases (2005)
Herman’s Head (1991–1994)

Holding the Baby (1998)
Hole in the Wall (2008–2009)
Human Target (2010–2011)
In Living Color (1990–1994)
In the Flow with Affion Crockett (2011)
Invasion of the Hidden Cameras (2002)
It’s Your Chance of a Lifetime (2000)
Joe Millionaire (2003–2004)
John Doe (2002–2003)
Jonny Zero (2005)
Justice (2006)
K-Ville (2007)
Keen Eddie (2003–2004)
Kelsey Grammer Presents The Sketch Show (2005)
Key West (1993)
Killer Instinct (2005)
Kindred: The Embraced (1996)
King of the Hill (1997–2010)
Kitchen Confidential (2005)
Lie to Me (2009–2011)
Life on a Stick (2005)
Living Single (1993–1998)
Lone Star (2010)
Love and Marriage (1996)
Luis (2003)

M.A.N.T.I.S. (1994)
MADtv (1995–2009)
Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006)
Married by America (2003)
Martin (1992–1997)
Melrose Place (1992–1999)
Mental (2009)
Method & Red (2004)
Millennium (1996–1999)
Million Dollar Money Drop (2010-2011)
Models Inc. (1994–1995)

More to Love (2009)
Mr. Personality (2003)
Murder in Small Town X (2001)
My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss (2004)
My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance (2003)
Nanny 911 (2004–2007)
Nashville (2007)
Ned & Stacey (1995–1997)
New Amsterdam (2008)
New York Undercover (1994–1998)
Night Visions (2001)
Normal, Ohio (2000)
North Shore (2004–2005)
Oliver Beene (2003–2004)
Open House (1989–1990)
Opposite Sex (2000)
Osbournes: Reloaded (2009)
Pacific Palisades (1997)
Paradise Hotel (2003)
Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (1990–1993)

Party Girl (1996)
Party of Five (1994–2000)
Pasadena (2001)
Past Life (2010)
Playing It Straight (2004)
Point Pleasant (2005)
Prison Break (2005–2009)
Profit (1996)
Quintuplets (2004–2005)
Renovate My Family (2004–2005)
Reunion (2005)
Roar (1997)
Roc (1991–1994)
Roseanne‘s Saturday Night Special
Running Wilde (2010)
Sightings (1992–1998 Fox)
Sit Down, Shut Up (2009)
Skating with Celebrities (2006)

Skin (2003)
Sliders (1995–1998 Fox)
Sons of Tucson (2010)
South Central (1994)
Space: Above and Beyond (1995–1996)
Stacked (2005–2006)
Stand By Your Man (1992)
Standoff (2006–2007)
Stargate Infinity (Fox 2002–2003)
Strange Luck (1995–1996)
Super Greed (2000)
Talkshow with Spike Feresten (2006–2009)
Temptation Island (2001–2003)
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (2008–2009)
That ’70s Show (1998–2006)
That ’80s Show (2002)

The $treet (2000)
The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. (1993–1994)
The American Embassy (2002)
The Ben Stiller Show (1992–1993)
The Bernie Mac Show (2001–2006)
The Casino (2004)
The Chamber (2002)
The Chevy Chase Show (1993)
The Chicago Code (2011)
The Crew (1995–1996)
The Critic (Fox 1994–1995)
The Edge (1992-1993)
The George Carlin Show (1994–1995)
The Good Guys (2010)
The Heights (1992)
The Inside (2005)
The Jury (2004)
The Last Frontier (1996)
The Lone Gunmen (2001)
The Loop (2006–2007)
The Moment of Truth (2008)
The Next Great American Band (2007)
The O.C. (2003–2007)
The Outsiders (1990)
The Pitts (2003)
The PJs (Fox 1999–2001)

The Preston Episodes (1995)
The Princes of Malibu (2005)
The Rebel Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best (2004)
The Reporters (1988–1990)
The Return of Jezebel James (2008)
The Rich List (2006)
The Simple Life (2003–2005 Fox)
The Swan (2004)
The Tick (2001–2002)
The Visitor (1997–1998)
The Wanda Sykes Show (2009–2010)
The War at Home (2005–2007)
The Wedding Bells (2007)
The Winner (2007)
The X-Files (1993–2002)
Time of Your Life (1999–2000)
Titus (2000–2002)
Too Something (1995–1996)
Top of the Heap (1991)
Totally Hidden Video (1989–1992)

Trading Spouses (2004–2007)
Traffic Light (2011)
Tru Calling (2003–2005)
True Colors (1990–1992)
Unan1mous (2006)
Undeclared (2001–2002)
Unhitched (2008)
Vanished (2006)
Vinnie & Bobby (1992)
VR.5 (1995)
Wanda at Large (2003)
Wild Oats (1994)[4]
Wonderfalls (2004)
Woops! (1992)
World Idol (2003–2004)
World’s Wildest Police Videos (1998–2002)

Lucky for me, the writer, NBC has given us a very long list of reasons why it sucks over the past six months, so the only hard part was culling them down. They’ve done a very few things right over the past couple months, too, but we’ll save that for another article that I’ll never write.

So here’s why NBC has been sucking.

Shelving Community

Quickly: I am not a Community fan. I think the show is incredibly thoughtful and clever, but it spends so much time being those things that I don’t care at all what happens to the characters. However, I think suspending the one NBC show with a rabid, passionate fan base at a time when the network has almost nothing going for it is a mistake.

The show got terrible ratings, but at least people would talk about it. It gave NBC a presence on the Internet. You think the people that are watching Fear Factor are talking about that show on the Internet? Those people can’t even afford computers.

The show is one of the few good things that anyone says about NBC, so the network should take the hit, knowing that they’re making at least some fans and many critics happy.

The Playboy Club

This show was just ill-advised and lazy. It was too risqué for middle America (which is dumb, but true), and too pedestrian for the Mad Men crowd, so the show was openly mocked and ignored by both sides, getting the axe after two episodes, despite being NBC’s most-hyped new show.

Whatever the opposite of “taking a calculated risk” is, that’s what The Playboy Club was.

“Giving a thoughtless certainty?”

Tits or GTFO.

Usually, the problem just boils down to a really dumb idea in the first place. As such, these are the game shows that didn’t meet America’s impossibly high quiz show standards. May they burn in Hell for it.

Win, Lose, or Draw

When I think of Pictionary, the last thing I think about is Burt Reynolds. But all that proves is that I don’t think about Burt Reynolds as often as Burt Reynolds does. Win, Lose or Draw was a Burt Reynolds-produced “game” show that he used as an excuse to show off his Florida ranch, horses and wife. Who would think that the man who once slapped a reporter for having not seen The Longest Yard would be so vain? He’s clearly also a man of the people, having invited residents of his town (possibly at slap-point?) to come watch him pout about being so bad at Pictionary.

Things really pick up when he frustratedly yells at his wife after his garbageman and a teenaged Jason Bateman can’t decipher his haphazard black-face scribble as meaning “gorilla.” This is remedied by his wife’s fearful gushing about how perfect he is (just not at Pictionary). If you’re open to a pointer, Burt, you already drew the Empire State Building. Just add a gorilla to that.

Going forward, I don’t want to see Burt Reynolds’ horses or the place where he has his orgasms.

The Meow-Mix Think Like A Cat Game Show

The Meow-Mix Think Like A Cat Game Show sounds amazing. Not amazing in the sense that it sounds good. But more amazing in the fact that it pulls together only terrible ingredients and still somehow ended up on television. The premise is simpl(y retarded)e. Eight cats and their honors compete for a prize of $1 million. This is why India hates us. India hates us, right?

The cats race down tubes to an open can of cat food. The top three winners advance to the next round, Cat Jeopardy. One team is dismissed after this round, and the third demonstrates how well an owner knows their cat. The final round sees a cat surrounded by bags of dry food. The cat selects one and the owner selects another. If both contain the same symbol hidden inside, the duo wins $1 million. Like a cat needs that much money.

Celebrity judges include folks who love money like The Soprano’s Vincent Pastore. Hosted by Chuck Woolery.

**side-steps football**
**blasted in head by potato gun**

Ow!

So kick back, relax, lick some paper clips and check out this collection of My Strange Addiction’s Strangest Addictions.

Lori Sleeps With Hair Dryer

This segment features Lori, a woman that likes to have the calming breeze of a hair dryer pointed at her at all times. Even while sleeping. This poor, poor, excessively dry woman. If only there were an invention that could help with this dependence. I’m sure she’d be a “fan” of it.

I could describe how it’s racist, but that’s sort of like describing why a joke is funny. It’s better if you just see for yourself.

See? It’s racist! And more importantly, it’s a pretty stupid ad.

Well, for all the hell that Pete Hoekstra is catching, and it’s a lot, he’s not alone when it comes to leveraging racial stereotypes and insensitivity to get elected to office.

Yeah, it seems counterproductive to me too, but what do I know?

Tim James

Tim James thinks the best way to save money is to give all those driver’s license exams in English. All those other languages are bullshit in Alabama. Alabamans speak English. It just makes sense to him.

(stares pensively at ground, looks up)

“Does it to you?”

Earlier today, I read that NCIS just aired its 200th episode, which didn’t really come as a surprise, because I always knew NCIS to be one of those shows that flew below the my radar, but still managed to be one of the most popular shows on TV. Wondering if there are any other shows that fit that description, I decided to take a gander at last week’s Nielsen ratings to see what America at-large (as opposed to the America that posts on messages boards and runs the internet) was watching these days.

Now, being only one person, (albeit one who works reporting TV news) I understand that there are many popular shows that I don’t have the bandwidth to watch. I also understand that every show isn’t Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire, or Breaking Bad, but I still feel entitled to ask the question: Why are some shows as popular as they are?

Before we go much further, here are the network ratings from last week:

A list of the twenty most popular programs in the country contains three American Idols and two special events (Pro Bowl and Pro Bowl pregame, which is downright baffling, but whatever, it’s football and football gets high ratings), meaning that among the fifteen most popular, non-Idol shows last week were:

Undercover Boss

What I think I know about Undercover Boss: This show has big important execs go undercover at their own companies to perform front-line tasks for some reason. I’m pretty sure I got the premise on this one from both the name of the show, and the fact that it’s constantly promoted while I watch football.

What Undercover Boss is actually about (from Wikipedia): Each episode depicts a person who has a high management position at a major business, deciding to become undercover as a entry-level employee to discover the faults in the company.

My reaction: Ok. So the endgame is to find faults in the company. This strikes me as a feel-good show, which always prove a LOT more durable than I would guess, as was the case with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It’s a gimmick that I view as similar to Wipeout! in that you watch it once, go “huh,” then forget about it entirely.

Why it is popular: My theory here (this article consists largely of bullshit theories and generalizations about TV audiences at large; caveat emptor) is that “middle America,” you know, the guys with the ties and the short-sleeved shirts and the coveralls, enjoy watching the upper crust eat shit at jobs supposedly “beneath” them. This is perhaps the only show on television where low-level employees aren’t just treated like human beings, but actually appreciated for the work they do. There are probably a lot of people interested in seeing that week-after-week, regardless of the context.

The Mentalist

What I think I know about The Mentalist: Simon Baker is a “mentalist” which means he uses his mind to solve crimes.

What The Mentalist is actually about (from Wikipedia): It follows the fictional story of Patrick Jane who, as a paid consultant, uses unorthodox methods to aid a fictional unit of the California Bureau of Investigation (CBI) in homicide investigations.

My reaction: Ok. So it’s one of those procedurals that you can just sort of drop in and out of without really investing yourself. I know the star of the show is Simon Baker, who I believe is British and who I know is handsome.

Why it is popular: As with so many procedurals, the plot, while not incidental, is fairly rote, and the only point of differentiation between this and a show like CSI or NCIS or Cold Case or Without a Trace is that it has Simon Baker, who is very handsome and probably British. It’s popular because these shows are universally popular on CBS. Also, the fact that he works for the “California Bureau of Investigation” suggests that the audience for The Mentalist might be extremely patient and forgiving.

Here are seven other examples of this typical PTC behavior.

Bono Drops An “F” Bomb In 2003

Bono said the word “f#cking” during the Golden Globes. Out of 20 million people, only 234 people complained. Of those 234, 217 complaints came from members of the PTC. Ten months later, the FCC ruled because Bono’s use of the word was fleeting and wasn’t describing sexual or excretory (pooping?) functions, that it wasn’t obscene, they didn’t fine NBC.

The PTC filed an application for review because they have a fair amount of time on their hands, and the FCC actually reversed their decision and decided the utterance was obscene, but didn’t fine NBC anyway, probably because they hate the PTC as much as everyone else does.

Nicole Richie Also Says A Bad Word On TV in 2003

During the Billboard Music Awards, Nicole Richie asked the question, presumably in reference to her Simple Life experiences, “Have you ever tried to get cow shit out of a Prada purse? It’s not so f*cking simple.”

I have not ever tried that, but I’m sure it’s complex. Needless to say, the PTC was irate that a celebrity acknowledged that cows poop and that cleaning purses is sometimes complex.

The Supreme Court, just last month, heard arguments based on this case, and the feeling is that their ruling could relax the liability they place on stations during the airing of live events. This would no doubt drive the PTC batshit crazy, so I’m eagerly awaiting their decision.

For those unfamiliar with the comic, The Governor is the worst villain in the series run. Evil incarnate. It’s awesome that the character will be on the show, however, it seems a bit soon in the mythology to bring him in. Though Walking Dead could use s creative jolt, and this storyline is a good way to do that.

But John Hawkes doesn’t need to play the part. In fact, there are several guys creepy enough (or who are at least able to grow a cool goatee) to pull it off. In no particular order, these are those guys. (via The Wrap)

Tom Savini

There are so many reasons why this role should go to Savini. First, he broke the news about John Hawkes. Second, he loves zombies. Third, the guy was seemingly modeled after him. However, it seems like Savini wasn’t taking the hint when The Walking Dead producers were trying to let him down soft. Whereas Savini is great in schlocky over-the-top genre films, his acting might not be “just wooden enough” for The Walking Dead.

Daniel Buran

Daniel Buran could take this role, hold it captive, and slowly torture it. He proved this with his largely underused role on True Blood last season. Also, check out the physical resemblance. The characters of werewolf pack leader Marcus and the Governor have a lot of crossover. If he’s up for the typecasting, this could and should be his.

Danny Trejo

I don’t really see Danny Trejo as getting this role but wouldn’t it be cool? Problem is, Danny Trejo is far too badass and outwardly scary. Though incredibly evil, the Governor is a nuanced character whose shady intentions must remain ambiguous for a time. It’s hard to be charmed by someone with such a rough exterior.

That said, I like being first, so I’m going to grade the Super Bowl ads now. Sure, we’ve only got 27 ads so far, but my guess is that every decent ad has been leaked, so if you haven’t put your ad online by now, tough shit, anonymous company. You should know better in the Internet age.

These ads are graded based on my own hunch, gut, and whatever erratic mood swing I happen to be enduring or enjoying at the time I view it.

Note: We culled the movie trailers from this list because they largely weren’t Super Bowl-specific. 

Another Note: Thanks to EW Popwatch for assembling most of this big list of videos. 

E*Trade – The E*Trade Baby

The E*Trade baby is back at it, this time inexplicably as some dude’s best man. He’s bringing the sass, as he so often does, and though the schtick still isn’t fresh, it’s still a cute enough commercial, and at thirty seconds, it doesn’t run long enough to get old.

Grade: B

CareerBuilder.com – A Bunch of Monkeys

It wouldn’t be a Super Bowl if there weren’t thinly-premised ads sporting tons of animals doing human things. This year, Career Builder seems to have bitten that particular bullet, offering up a dude on a business trip with monkeys! Honest-to-goodness, no-foolin’ monkeys!

It’s not very funny. Except for the part where they plant a dildo in his bag in the TSA line. That’s pretty damn funny.

Grade: C-

Hulu.com – Will Arnett

Hulu has always been able to get some decent stars for their ads, and whie Will Arnett may not be the biggest name in Hollywood, he’s among the funniest. And the fact that he’s spitting off TV catchphrases to try to open a door just does it for me. Honestly, though. I could watch Will Arnett quietly drink a smoothie at a bus stop and think it’s a great commercial.

Grade: B-

But what does Trump’s endorsement mean for Romney? The chance to meet Tia Carrere? Well, judging from his track record, it means jack sh*t. That’s if any of these Trump-endorsed products are any indicator.

Donald Trump: The Fragrance

Now you can own the smell of success. Just please note that smell also features hints of cigar, hairspray, bronzer, and tarragon.

Trump Teas

Who better to sell a line of holistic teas than ancient Chinese person, Donald Trump? Actually, the teas themselves are blended by Talbot Tea’s master blender. But Trump paid for the keepsake tin. That’s something people who aren’t Trump will want to keep forever. Right?

Trump ICE

If you can’t beat the heat with state-of-the-art air conditioning in a luxury penthouse with your name written on the outside of it, here’s the next best thing. A bottle of tap water with a toupeed gazillionaire mugging on the hastily pasted-on label. Take that, global warming!

Cornelius hosted for 22 years before retiring in 1993. The show would remain on the air until 2006. It’s 35 years on the air earned it the honor of being the longest-running first-run nationally syndicated show in television history.

It’s sad to see a man who had such an impact on our culture go out in such a tragic way. The best we can do is look back at Soul Train’s great performances and awesomely retro dances. Drop the needle.

Awesome Line Dance To Rufus’s “Once You Get Started”

Just a little something to get us warmed up.

O’Jay’s “I Love Music“

Now we’re getting there.

The Trammps “Where Do We Go From Here?”

Gotta love the talking intro.

Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes “Bad Luck”

The sweetest arm moves start at 0:31.

Tavares “Check It Out”

Pretty sure this song is sung by a Soul Accountant.

LaMont Dozier “Fish Ain’t Bitin’”

Wow. That microphone has excellent pick up.

The Fifth Dimension “One Less Bell To Answer”

Is she in a neck brace?

The Joneses “Sugar Pie Guy”

As if the authority of matching pink tuxedos isn’t enough to captivate you, skip ahead to the 0:52 mark. Spo-Dough-Bow.

The Moments “Just Because He Wants To Make Love”

Now, something slow. Grab your best girl and hold her tight.

Isley Brothers “Who’s That Lady?”

Time to pick it back up.

The Dramatics “In The Rain”

How dramatic? In studio lightning effects for starters.

The Intruders “I Bet He Don’t Love You (Like I Love You)”

Not sure why this was performed on a spooky castle set. I’m not complaining. I’m just not sure.

The Futures “I Had A Dream”

Frankly, it’s nice to hear a soul song that utilizes the didgeridoo.

Faith Hope & Charity “Don’t Go Looking For Love”

I’m more captivated by this performance than anything on modern reality shows.

The Jackson Five “All I Do Is Think Of You”

And let’s close with a classic.

X Factor performed decently, but fell short of expectations after X Factor had killed it over in the U.K. Consequently, Cowell appears to be taking a new approach. The dismissal of Scherzinger and Jones came as no surprise since their performances were widely panned, but longtime co-worker Paula Abdul’s dismissal came as a shock to those close to the show.

So, what’s next for Paula? She has a particularly unique skill set that doesn’t lend itself to careers at H&R Block or alpaca-raising. Where does she go from here?

We’ve got some suggestions.

Return as a Cheerleader to the L.A. Lakers

After an unceremonious dismissal in the second round of the playoffs last year, along with some offseason drama, the Lakers are struggling to find a foothold this season. As many know, Abdul was a Laker girl in the 1980’s during the team’s Showtime era, so a return seems like a good fit for her at this stage in her career. While Abdul can’t make the Lakers play any better, she probably could get more people in the seats as the NBA’s only fifty year-old midget cheerleader.

They could also have her join on another capacity, maybe judging the Lakers and their opponents on finesse, moves, singing ability, etc. I would be tempted to watch that.

Reuniting with MC Skat Cat

“Opposites Attract” was Paula Abdul’s greatest song, with “Straight Up” and “Rush, Rush” coming in a distant second and third. This isn’t really up for discussion.

So, it seems logical that a reunion with her “Opposites Attract” co-star, cartoon cat MC Skat Cat would be a smart move. The nice thing is that kids still love cartoons, and that since MC Skat Cat is animated, time hasn’t ravaged his once-youthful looks the way it has Paula’s.

Further, it was more-than-suggested in both the “Opposites Attract” song and video that she was carrying on a romantic and sexual relationship with MC Skat Cat. Take a look:

Where are they now? Given his penchant for cigarettes, perhaps he had a tracheotomy. Does he still steal the covers? Do they have any half-cartoon cat/half-Paula Abdul children? America would like to see them if they do.

Rock n’ Roll Attorney David Komie

The dreadlocked man you see shredding the guitar in the video above is Rock n’ Roll Attorney David Komie, the attorney that rocks. I can’t really speak to his credentials when it comes to personal injury cases or his aggressiveness toward mesothelioma, but I can tell you that he knows a few chords and wears eyeliner. Not only does he offer free consultations but he can also help you score.

Leandros A. Vrionedes, PC

When you’re selecting the person most appropriate to represent you in a court of law you want someone proper and dignified. You also want their commercial to look like a really low budget Final Destination movie with narration by Michael Caine. That’s why you should choose New York’s Leandros A. Vrionedes, PC. He can make sense of it all.

The eccentric millionaire Justin Pitt proved to be the bane of Elaine’s existence, making a steady stream of high-maintenance and bizarre requests that placed him among the show’s most memorable characters.

Below are a few of our favorite Justin Pitt moments from Seinfeld. Mourn ya till we join ya, Mr. Abercrombie.

The Candy Bars – “The Pledge Drive“

I’m not sure if you can call it a recurring gag if it only occurs in one episode, but Mr. Pitt eating the Snickers bar with a knife and fork embodies the Seinfeld sensibility as well as anything the show put forth. In and of itself, the gag isn’t terribly funny (try explaining it to someone who hasn’t watched the show if you don’t believe me), but in the context of the weird Seinfeld universe, the quirk provides fodder for criticism, befuddlement, and exasperation for all the judgmental pricks on the show.

Again, it’s hard to explain why this is funny, so can we all just agree that it is?

Hitler – “The Gymnast”

Because Mr. Pitt only graced us with his presence in eight episodes, we find several of his finest and funniest moments in the same episodes. In addition to the magic eye painting (see below), The Gymnast features Mr. Pitt’s accidental Hitler speech, courtesy of a little spilled ink from Elaine.

Seinfeld historically went a little heavy on the Nazi humor, especially for a show called “Seinfeld.” To its credit, it was never not funny. The oblivion of Justin Pitt takes this scene from tasteless to hilarious pretty quickly. And it serves as one of the best freeze-frame closing shots in the show’s history.