There was a huge record scratch in the Republican party today when Donald Trump announced that he would be endorsing Mitt Romney and NOT Newt Gingrich. One of Trump's advisers made a surprise announcement last night that Donald Trump would be making a surprise announcement today regarding the presidency that would shock the world. The Gingrich camp was so certain that meant an endorsement of their candidate that they'd already jumped the gun and announced it to news outlets. Our sources are waiting to confirm whether or not this was a segment filmed for MTV's Punk'd revival.

But what does Trump's endorsement mean for Romney? The chance to meet Tia Carrere? Well, judging from his track record, it means jack sh*t. That's if any of these Trump-endorsed products are any indicator.

Donald Trump: The Fragrance

Now you can own the smell of success. Just please note that smell also features hints of cigar, hairspray, bronzer, and tarragon.

Trump Teas

Who better to sell a line of holistic teas than ancient Chinese person, Donald Trump? Actually, the teas themselves are blended by Talbot Tea's master blender. But Trump paid for the keepsake tin. That's something people who aren't Trump will want to keep forever. Right?

Trump ICE

If you can't beat the heat with state-of-the-art air conditioning in a luxury penthouse with your name written on the outside of it, here's the next best thing. A bottle of tap water with a toupeed gazillionaire mugging on the hastily pasted-on label. Take that, global warming!

Trump Steaks

Donald Trump personally killed each of the horses used to make these steaks. Did I say horses? I meant cows. Definitely cows. Strong ones, at that.

Trump Magazine

Trump Magazine is your one-stop source for learning how to live the good life, laughing at Darrell Hammond's Trump impression, reading about Trump vodka, and masturbating to bikini bods and Donald's daughter. Next month: Frank Caliendo.

Trump Vitamins

By taking Trump's line of vitamins, you can be a picture of health just like the Donald! Give your hair that healthy, "Is That Wire?," shine and your skin that corpse paint glow.

Trump: The Board Game

Assuming this is pretty much Monopoly. Except the shoe is a Manolo Blahnik and the dog is a gorgeous Slavic teen girl.

Trump University

At Trump University you'll be delivered the best in business education. Assuming that business doesn't involve Photoshop because Jesus.

Trump Model Management

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Actually, this one is pure genius. By loaning his name a golden initial to this model agency, Trump has a never-ending sources of attractive young ladies to wine, dine, and look ridiculous standing next to.

Beauty Pageants

And what better way to entice your young models by offering them the brass ring of being crowned Miss USA or Miss Universe? No background check needed.

Trump Vodka

This is Donald's last line of defense in trading in for a younger and better wife. Once the modeling agency and beauty pageants help him meet that lucky fembot, it's just a matter of pouring enough potato juice in her. Then we'll all be hearing televised wedding bells in no time.

Trump Furniture

Donald Trump's line of home furnishings at Macy's are perfect for the connoisseur who wants their home to look like it was decorated by Lex Luthor.

Trump Office Furniture

Of course, one furniture line isn't enough for a man as wonderful as Donald Trump. Be the envy of your office when you wheel yourself into the boardroom with one of these 200lb chairs. Pair it with shelves full of books that you haven't read. They scream status.


Donald Trump bobbleheads are the perfect way to make a statement. That statement being, "I didn't know what you wanted for Christmas."

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