Characters We Keep Running Into On ‘SVU’

3. Impossibly Cocky Yuppie Suspect

Contrary to what your gut may tell you, this isn’t the baby rapist. This guy is just a misogynistic prick who doesn’t have to take this from some bitch cop. He’s handsome and had the world on a plate. And do you know who his father is? He’s a friend of the mayor, so you better watch your tone.

2. The Gay Maitre’d

The only straight people in food service in New York are the bartenders, women pulling triple-shifts at diners, and hot dog guys. If you work front of house in fine dining, you are a gay male, according to Law & Order: SVU.

These gay males also constantly need reminding that they can check the credit card receipts in back to confirm the suspect’s identity. They often appear stand-offish, but that’s just because you paid a visit to the restaurant during its lunch rush. Simply remind the maitre’d that you can make life a lot harder for everyone if you have to come back with a warrant. Which brings us to…

1. The Guy Who’s Gonna Need You To Come Back With A Warrant

If SVU is to be believed, then every single business owner and employee is a card-carrying member of the ACLU. It doesn’t matter if you run a model train store in Hoboken – your customers value their privacy. If you want to know who bought that Lionel short line caboose last August, you’re gonna need to come back with a warrant. If you come across this guy, don’t even bother trying to win them over with “a young boy’s life depends on it” or the fact that a killer is on the loose. Those immediate dangers all fall a distant second to the sanctity of travel agent-customer confidentiality.