Characters We Keep Running Into On ‘SVU’

Thursday, September 22 by

3. Impossibly Cocky Yuppie Suspect

Contrary to what your gut may tell you, this isn’t the baby rapist. This guy is just a misogynistic prick who doesn’t have to take this from some bitch cop. He’s handsome and had the world on a plate. And do you know who his father is? He’s a friend of the mayor, so you better watch your tone.

2. The Gay Maitre’d

The only straight people in food service in New York are the bartenders, women pulling triple-shifts at diners, and hot dog guys. If you work front of house in fine dining, you are a gay male, according to Law & Order: SVU.

These gay males also constantly need reminding that they can check the credit card receipts in back to confirm the suspect’s identity. They often appear stand-offish, but that’s just because you paid a visit to the restaurant during its lunch rush. Simply remind the maitre’d that you can make life a lot harder for everyone if you have to come back with a warrant. Which brings us to…

1. The Guy Who’s Gonna Need You To Come Back With A Warrant

If SVU is to be believed, then every single business owner and employee is a card-carrying member of the ACLU. It doesn’t matter if you run a model train store in Hoboken – your customers value their privacy. If you want to know who bought that Lionel short line caboose last August, you’re gonna need to come back with a warrant. If you come across this guy, don’t even bother trying to win them over with “a young boy’s life depends on it” or the fact that a killer is on the loose. Those immediate dangers all fall a distant second to the sanctity of travel agent-customer confidentiality.

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